6) Midian conquers Israel. The Israelites flee to the mountains and live in caves. Midianites and Amorites constantly steal Israel's food. 'And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.'
An angel of God visits Gideon, and tells him that God is with him. Gideon asks why so many bad things are happening to Israel if God is on their side.
'And the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?”'
The Fifth Judge: Gideon.
The angel says that God will prove his divinity; he tells Gideon what to do. Gideon gathers some goat meat, some broth and some cakes. He places it on a rock, as directed by the angel. The angel touches the meat and the cakes with his staff: they burst into flames, and the angel vanishes.
'Then Gideon perceived that he was the angel of the Lord. And Gideon said, “Alas, O Lord God! For now I have seen the angel of the Lord face to face.” But the Lord said to him, “Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.” Then Gideon built an altar there to the Lord and called it, 'The Lord Is Peace'.'
That night, under God's orders, Gideon tore down the altars to the false gods Baal and Asherah. Then he sacrifices a bull.
In the morning, the people are angry that their altars have been vandalised. They discover that it was the work of Gideon. They want him dead; they go to his house. Joash, Gideon's father, points out that if Baal is a god then he doesn't need humans to do his dirty work for him: let Baal deal with Gideon himself. Faced by that onslaught of reason, the mob backs down.
The Midianites and the Amalekites team up against Israel. Gideon sounds the trumpet of war and gathers an army.
Gideon then asks for a very specific sign from God:
“If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said.” And it was so.
Gideon is astounded; he asks God for another very specific sign:
'“Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew.'
7) God tells Gideon that his army is too big: the people won't believe they won through divine intervention if they're part of a large army. Gideon reduces his army from 32,000 to 300.
That night, Gideon and his servant Purah spy out the Midianite army camp. 'And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the people of the East lay along the valley like locusts in abundance, and their camels were without number, as the sand that is on the seashore in abundance.'
A Midianite soldier is overheard saying: "God has given into his hand Midian and all the camp.”
Gideon returns to his soldiers and tells them to surround the camp. When he gives the signal, they are all to blow trumpets, smash jars and shout 'For the Lord and Gideon!'
This freaks the Midianites out. They flee. A lot of them are killed. Some of the Midianites killed each other in the confusion.
Gideon summons the rest of his troops, the land is reclaimed, the princes of Midian executed.
8) With his favourite 300, Gideon chases the Zebah and Zalmunna, the kings of Midian, across the Jordan river.
They stop in Succoth and ask for food; they are refused.
“Well then," says Gideon, "when the Lord has given Zebah and Zalmunna into my hand, I will flail your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers.”
They pass on to Penuel, and are refused again.
Gideon: “When I come again in peace, I will break down this tower.”
Then they find, capture and execute the Midian kings. On the way home Gideon destroys the Tower of Penuel, kills the men of Penuel, and flails the flesh of the elders of Succoth with thorns from the wilderness.
'Then the men of Israel said to Gideon, “Rule over us, you and your son and your grandson also, for you have saved us from the hand of Midian.”
Gideon said to them, “I will not rule over you, and my son will not rule over you; the Lord will rule over you.”'
Gideon lived to good old age, and left behind seventy sons from his many wives and another, Abimelech, from his concubine.
After all that, Israel again turned from worshipping God and following his rules.
Friday, 8 August 2014
Wednesday, 6 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Judges 1-5
PREVIOUSLY: The Israelite horde conquered a big chunk of the Promised Land.
1) The men of Judah and Simeon conquer more land, including Jerusalem and Gaza. They don't manage to conquer and destroy everything: the Canaanites survive and are kept as Israel's slaves.
(Hey, remember back in Genesis when drunken Noah curses his grandson Canaan, saying that his descendants should serve his brothers' descendants?)
2) The format of the book is explained:
Israel stops worshipping God, and starts worshipping foreign gods.
God gets angry and lets them get conquered. Different neighbouring kingdoms take turns conquering Israel.
God chooses heroes, the Judges, to lead Israel back to worshipping God.
After the judge dies, Israel returns to its evil ways and worships foreign gods.
All of this angers God, so he refuses to drive out all the nations from the Promised Land; he keeps them there to test Israel's obedience.
3) The First Judge: Othniel goes to war and defeats the king of Mesopotamia.
Moab conquers Israel.
The Second Judge: Ehud, a left-handed man, attaches a sword to his right thigh and hides it under his clothes. He pays a visit to Eglon, king of Moab. 'Now Eglon was a very fat man.'
“I have a secret message for you, O king.” says Ehud. The king dismisses his attendants.
“I have a message from God for you.” And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.'
Ehud flees to the hills, where the anti-Moab rebels are waiting. He sounds the trumpet of war, and Israel marches on the Moabites, killing 10,000 of them.
The Third Judge: Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an oxgoad [a farming implement].
4) Canaan conquers Israel.
The Fourth Judge: Deborah, a prophetess, tells Barak to gather Israel's army at Tabor. She has a plan to ensure Israel's victory.
Sisera, general of Canaan's army, hears about Israel's army at Tabor. He readies for war. Israel attacks and destroys Sisera's army.
But Sisera escapes, and stays with Jael, his friend's wife.
“Turn aside, my lord; turn aside to me; do not be afraid.” she says. He comes in and rests; she covers him with a rug.
He asks for a drink; she gives him some milk. He wants to rest; he asks her not to tell anyone that he is here.
'But Jael the wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand. Then she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground while he was lying fast asleep from weariness. So he died.'
Barak comes along, and Jael shows him Sisera's body.
Israel conquers Canaan.
5) The Israelites sing a song to celebrate victory, which includes the verse:
'Most blessed of women be Jael,
the wife of Heber the Kenite,
of tent-dwelling women most blessed.
He asked for water and she gave him milk;
she brought him curds in a noble's bowl.
She sent her hand to the tent peg
and her right hand to the workmen's mallet;
she struck Sisera;
she crushed his head;
she shattered and pierced his temple.
Between her feet
he sank, he fell, he lay still;
between her feet
he sank, he fell;
where he sank,
there he fell—dead.'
1) The men of Judah and Simeon conquer more land, including Jerusalem and Gaza. They don't manage to conquer and destroy everything: the Canaanites survive and are kept as Israel's slaves.
(Hey, remember back in Genesis when drunken Noah curses his grandson Canaan, saying that his descendants should serve his brothers' descendants?)
2) The format of the book is explained:
Israel stops worshipping God, and starts worshipping foreign gods.
God gets angry and lets them get conquered. Different neighbouring kingdoms take turns conquering Israel.
God chooses heroes, the Judges, to lead Israel back to worshipping God.
After the judge dies, Israel returns to its evil ways and worships foreign gods.
All of this angers God, so he refuses to drive out all the nations from the Promised Land; he keeps them there to test Israel's obedience.
3) The First Judge: Othniel goes to war and defeats the king of Mesopotamia.
Moab conquers Israel.
The Second Judge: Ehud, a left-handed man, attaches a sword to his right thigh and hides it under his clothes. He pays a visit to Eglon, king of Moab. 'Now Eglon was a very fat man.'
“I have a secret message for you, O king.” says Ehud. The king dismisses his attendants.
“I have a message from God for you.” And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.'
Ehud flees to the hills, where the anti-Moab rebels are waiting. He sounds the trumpet of war, and Israel marches on the Moabites, killing 10,000 of them.
The Third Judge: Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an oxgoad [a farming implement].
4) Canaan conquers Israel.
The Fourth Judge: Deborah, a prophetess, tells Barak to gather Israel's army at Tabor. She has a plan to ensure Israel's victory.
Sisera, general of Canaan's army, hears about Israel's army at Tabor. He readies for war. Israel attacks and destroys Sisera's army.
But Sisera escapes, and stays with Jael, his friend's wife.
“Turn aside, my lord; turn aside to me; do not be afraid.” she says. He comes in and rests; she covers him with a rug.
He asks for a drink; she gives him some milk. He wants to rest; he asks her not to tell anyone that he is here.
'But Jael the wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand. Then she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground while he was lying fast asleep from weariness. So he died.'
Barak comes along, and Jael shows him Sisera's body.
Israel conquers Canaan.
5) The Israelites sing a song to celebrate victory, which includes the verse:
'Most blessed of women be Jael,
the wife of Heber the Kenite,
of tent-dwelling women most blessed.
He asked for water and she gave him milk;
she brought him curds in a noble's bowl.
She sent her hand to the tent peg
and her right hand to the workmen's mallet;
she struck Sisera;
she crushed his head;
she shattered and pierced his temple.
Between her feet
he sank, he fell, he lay still;
between her feet
he sank, he fell;
where he sank,
there he fell—dead.'
Sunday, 3 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Joshua
Previously: the Israelites arrived at the Jordan River, the border to the Promised Land. Moses died, and Joshua took command.
1) Joshua tells the Israelites to be ready to cross the river in three days.
2) Two spies are sent into the promised land. They go into the house of a prostitute named Rahab.
The king of Jericho hears about the spies, and sends men to find them them.
Rahab hides the spies and tells the king's men that they've already left. She then asks the spies to spare her family's lives when the land is conquered. The spies agree.
The spies leave, hide in the hills for three days, then return to the Israelites at the Jordan River.
3) It's time to cross the river.
They carry the Ark of the Covenant to the shallows of the river.
The Jordan River parts, Red-Sea-style (except that the water downriver of their crossing continues to flow; the upriver water builds up next to them).
The Israelites walk across the dry river bed.
4) Forty thousand Israelites, ready for war, cross the river. Twelve stones (one for each tribe) are placed in the middle of the river to commemorate the crossing. When the Ark of the Covenant is brought out, the flow resumes, and the river floods its banks.
5) The Israelites circumcise all the non-circumcised males amongst them, using flint knives. They rest for a few days while their penises heal, and celebrate Passover.
Joshua sees a man standing by the Jordan river. He asks whether he is friend or foe.
The man explains that he is the commander of God's army, and that Joshua really should take his sandals off because he's standing on holy ground.
Joshua takes his sandals off.
6) They arrive at Jericho. The city is shut, prepared for siege.
God tells Joshua that for the next six days all the men should march around the city once per day. On the seventh day, they should march around the city seven times and God will knock one of the city walls down.
Joshua tells the soldiers what should be done with the loot: "All silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.” Everything else must be destroyed.
They do all the marching around the city; God knocks down a city wall; they capture city and kill everything except Rahab's family.
'They devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.'
Then they burn the city down (after ensuring Rahab's family had got out).
7) But one of the soldiers took some prohibited loot from the city, and this made God angry.
Joshua sends about 3000 men to attack the city of Ai. They lose the fight; about 36 of them are killed, and flee back to the camp. Joshua becomes unhappy and asks God why they lost the fight.
God explains that someone took some loot that should have been destroyed with the city, and until that loot is destroyed God will not let the Israelites win their fights.
The next day, Joshua goes through each tribe asking if anyone took some prohibited loot from Jericho.
Achan confesses to taking a beautiful cloak, some silver and some gold.
Achan is stoned to death while being burned alive. (Overkill, IMHO)
8) God tells Joshua that everything is cool now, and that he should now attack Ai with all of his men.
Joshua tells 30,000 men to sneak round the city by night, and lie in ambush nearby.
The next morning, Joshua leads 5000 men to attack Ai.
The king of Ai sees the 5000 men and sends his troops out to defeat them. Joshua's 5000 pretend to be defeated, and flee further and further from the city. The army of Ai chases them, leaving the city open.
Joshua gives the signal to the hidden 30,000, who come out of hiding, capture the city and set it on fire.
The army of Ai looks back and is disheartened.
The king of Ai is taken alive. Everyone else is killed. This time, they decide to keep the livestock rather than kill it all.
The king of Ai is hung from a tree.
9) The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites of the Promised Land form an alliance against Israel.
The Gibeonites, on the other hand, decide to trick Israel.
They wear worn out clothes and sandals. They visit the Israelite camp pretending to be travellers from a distant land. Joshua makes a covenant of peace with them, agreeing to let them live, without first consulting with God to check if they are legit.
Three days later Joshua & Co. learn that they are inhabitants of the Promised Land, and that they have agreed not to destroy their cities. Much disappointment follows.
Joshua asks the Gibeonites why they lied, and they explain that they were scared for their lives. Joshua decides to let them live as servants.
10) The Last Alliance attacks Gibeon for joining Israel. Joshua & Co go to save Gibeon. God makes the Alliance's army panic and flee.
'The Lord threw down large stones from heaven on them as far as Azekah, and they died. There were more who died because of the hailstones than the sons of Israel killed with the sword."
Joshua commands the Sun and moon to stand still for dramatic effect; God makes it so.
The five Amorite kings are found hiding in cave.
'And when they brought those kings out to Joshua, Joshua summoned all the men of Israel and said to the chiefs of the men of war who had gone with him, “Come near; put your feet on the necks of these kings.” Then they came near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed; be strong and courageous. For thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.” And afterward Joshua struck them and put them to death, and he hanged them on five trees. And they hung on the trees until evening.'
Israel conquers Southern Canaan. 'He left none remaining, but devoted to destruction all that breathed, just as the Lord God of Israel commanded.'
11) The Last Alliance gathers by the waters of Merom. God tells Joshua not to be afraid.
The Israelites attack. 'And they struck them until he left none remaining. And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.'
Israel conquers more places, killing more people and animals, burning more cities, taking more loot.
12) A recap of the kingdoms defeated by Moses and Joshua
13-21) Joshua is quite old now. They haven't conquered the entirety of the Promised Land. He divides up the Promised Land between the tribes (including the as yet unconquered areas).
22) The tribes of Reuben, Gad and Manasseh return across the Jordan river, to the lands conquered by Moses. There they build an altar to God. This angers the tribes living in the promised land; they want some more killing.
But first, they decide to send some negotiators to ask 'wtf is going on?'
The tribes explain that they built the altar not as a substitute for the true altar of God in the promised land, but as a reminder of their faith. They had no intention of sacrificing to God on it. That would be silly.
The negotiators think that this is cool, so return home and calm everyone down.
23) Joshua gives an inspirational speech in which he reminds everyone that the Promised Land belongs to them; that they have to obey the Laws of Moses; that they shouldn't mingle with people of other nations, or mention any of their gods.
24) Joshua repeatedly reminds the Israelites to follow God alone. "He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins."
Joshua dies and is buried.
1) Joshua tells the Israelites to be ready to cross the river in three days.
2) Two spies are sent into the promised land. They go into the house of a prostitute named Rahab.
The king of Jericho hears about the spies, and sends men to find them them.
Rahab hides the spies and tells the king's men that they've already left. She then asks the spies to spare her family's lives when the land is conquered. The spies agree.
The spies leave, hide in the hills for three days, then return to the Israelites at the Jordan River.
3) It's time to cross the river.
They carry the Ark of the Covenant to the shallows of the river.
The Jordan River parts, Red-Sea-style (except that the water downriver of their crossing continues to flow; the upriver water builds up next to them).
The Israelites walk across the dry river bed.
4) Forty thousand Israelites, ready for war, cross the river. Twelve stones (one for each tribe) are placed in the middle of the river to commemorate the crossing. When the Ark of the Covenant is brought out, the flow resumes, and the river floods its banks.
5) The Israelites circumcise all the non-circumcised males amongst them, using flint knives. They rest for a few days while their penises heal, and celebrate Passover.
Joshua sees a man standing by the Jordan river. He asks whether he is friend or foe.
The man explains that he is the commander of God's army, and that Joshua really should take his sandals off because he's standing on holy ground.
Joshua takes his sandals off.
6) They arrive at Jericho. The city is shut, prepared for siege.
God tells Joshua that for the next six days all the men should march around the city once per day. On the seventh day, they should march around the city seven times and God will knock one of the city walls down.
Joshua tells the soldiers what should be done with the loot: "All silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.” Everything else must be destroyed.
They do all the marching around the city; God knocks down a city wall; they capture city and kill everything except Rahab's family.
'They devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.'
Then they burn the city down (after ensuring Rahab's family had got out).
7) But one of the soldiers took some prohibited loot from the city, and this made God angry.
Joshua sends about 3000 men to attack the city of Ai. They lose the fight; about 36 of them are killed, and flee back to the camp. Joshua becomes unhappy and asks God why they lost the fight.
God explains that someone took some loot that should have been destroyed with the city, and until that loot is destroyed God will not let the Israelites win their fights.
The next day, Joshua goes through each tribe asking if anyone took some prohibited loot from Jericho.
Achan confesses to taking a beautiful cloak, some silver and some gold.
Achan is stoned to death while being burned alive. (Overkill, IMHO)
8) God tells Joshua that everything is cool now, and that he should now attack Ai with all of his men.
Joshua tells 30,000 men to sneak round the city by night, and lie in ambush nearby.
The next morning, Joshua leads 5000 men to attack Ai.
The king of Ai sees the 5000 men and sends his troops out to defeat them. Joshua's 5000 pretend to be defeated, and flee further and further from the city. The army of Ai chases them, leaving the city open.
Joshua gives the signal to the hidden 30,000, who come out of hiding, capture the city and set it on fire.
The army of Ai looks back and is disheartened.
The king of Ai is taken alive. Everyone else is killed. This time, they decide to keep the livestock rather than kill it all.
The king of Ai is hung from a tree.
9) The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites of the Promised Land form an alliance against Israel.
The Gibeonites, on the other hand, decide to trick Israel.
They wear worn out clothes and sandals. They visit the Israelite camp pretending to be travellers from a distant land. Joshua makes a covenant of peace with them, agreeing to let them live, without first consulting with God to check if they are legit.
Three days later Joshua & Co. learn that they are inhabitants of the Promised Land, and that they have agreed not to destroy their cities. Much disappointment follows.
Joshua asks the Gibeonites why they lied, and they explain that they were scared for their lives. Joshua decides to let them live as servants.
10) The Last Alliance attacks Gibeon for joining Israel. Joshua & Co go to save Gibeon. God makes the Alliance's army panic and flee.
'The Lord threw down large stones from heaven on them as far as Azekah, and they died. There were more who died because of the hailstones than the sons of Israel killed with the sword."
Joshua commands the Sun and moon to stand still for dramatic effect; God makes it so.
The five Amorite kings are found hiding in cave.
'And when they brought those kings out to Joshua, Joshua summoned all the men of Israel and said to the chiefs of the men of war who had gone with him, “Come near; put your feet on the necks of these kings.” Then they came near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed; be strong and courageous. For thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.” And afterward Joshua struck them and put them to death, and he hanged them on five trees. And they hung on the trees until evening.'
Israel conquers Southern Canaan. 'He left none remaining, but devoted to destruction all that breathed, just as the Lord God of Israel commanded.'
11) The Last Alliance gathers by the waters of Merom. God tells Joshua not to be afraid.
The Israelites attack. 'And they struck them until he left none remaining. And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.'
Israel conquers more places, killing more people and animals, burning more cities, taking more loot.
12) A recap of the kingdoms defeated by Moses and Joshua
13-21) Joshua is quite old now. They haven't conquered the entirety of the Promised Land. He divides up the Promised Land between the tribes (including the as yet unconquered areas).
22) The tribes of Reuben, Gad and Manasseh return across the Jordan river, to the lands conquered by Moses. There they build an altar to God. This angers the tribes living in the promised land; they want some more killing.
But first, they decide to send some negotiators to ask 'wtf is going on?'
The tribes explain that they built the altar not as a substitute for the true altar of God in the promised land, but as a reminder of their faith. They had no intention of sacrificing to God on it. That would be silly.
The negotiators think that this is cool, so return home and calm everyone down.
23) Joshua gives an inspirational speech in which he reminds everyone that the Promised Land belongs to them; that they have to obey the Laws of Moses; that they shouldn't mingle with people of other nations, or mention any of their gods.
24) Joshua repeatedly reminds the Israelites to follow God alone. "He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins."
Joshua dies and is buried.
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