One day, some clever clogs asked Muhammad, "Excuse me, Mr Prophet sir, if your God is both 'All-Forgiving, Compassionate to each', and 'Omnipotent', as you keep saying, over and over again, why is he going to send a significant portion of the souls he created to eternal damnation, to be tortured literally forever?"
Muhammad was stumped by this. He thought about it for a long time, and, eventually, the voice in his head (God, speaking through the Angel Gabriel) answered with a resounding 'BECAUSE!':
"Had We wished, We could have granted each soul its right guidance. But my decree is binding: I shall fill Hell with both jinn and humans."
Wednesday, 17 June 2015
Qur'an: Best Book Ever
Very shortly after starting the Qur'an it became obvious that its greatest selling point is the beautiful poetry of the Arabic original, which is lost in translation. The content is repetitive, dull, both morally and theologically shallow, and, when not going on about the end of the world, mostly consists of Judeo-Christian myths and Arabian folklore clumsily slammed together, making an altogether unsatisfying mythology.
I have read so many better books - Star Maker, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Sandman, Paradise Lost, The Book of Job, Walden, Gulliver's Travels, The City and the Stars, etc - and none of these claim to be (a) the best book that has ever been written, or (b) the best book that can ever be written.
But the Qur'an does:
"Were humans and jinn to band together to produce a semblance of this Qur'an, they could not do so, even if they back one another up."
Muhammad was an illiterate merchant turned street preacher turned warlord, who lived in 7th century Arabia, making him the perfect judge as to whether he'd just dictated The Best Book That Can Ever Exist. However, it is uplifting to know that even in 7th century Arabia, a lot of people were calling Muhammad up on his bullshit:
"In this Qur'an, We have elucidated to mankind every sort of parable, but most people will assent to nothing but blasphemy. We have detailed in this Qur'an all manner of things, that they might ponder and remember, but it only increases them in their distaste of it. Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter."
I have read so many better books - Star Maker, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Sandman, Paradise Lost, The Book of Job, Walden, Gulliver's Travels, The City and the Stars, etc - and none of these claim to be (a) the best book that has ever been written, or (b) the best book that can ever be written.
But the Qur'an does:
"Were humans and jinn to band together to produce a semblance of this Qur'an, they could not do so, even if they back one another up."
Muhammad was an illiterate merchant turned street preacher turned warlord, who lived in 7th century Arabia, making him the perfect judge as to whether he'd just dictated The Best Book That Can Ever Exist. However, it is uplifting to know that even in 7th century Arabia, a lot of people were calling Muhammad up on his bullshit:
"In this Qur'an, We have elucidated to mankind every sort of parable, but most people will assent to nothing but blasphemy. We have detailed in this Qur'an all manner of things, that they might ponder and remember, but it only increases them in their distaste of it. Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter."
Solomon & Sakhr
Like the Bible, the Qur'an has an expanded universe. The Qur'an's expanded universe is made up of stories from the Jewish and Christian expanded universes clumsily mixed with Arabian folklore. Here's the Islamic version of the story of King Solomon, based on 'The Testament of Solomon' from the Bible's expanded universe/apocrypha. It's a bit LOTR. 'The Testament of Solomon' is ridiculous enough, but the Islamic version takes it to another level. I have abridged:
When Solomon was born, his face shone with dazzling light. All jinn who looked upon him fainted and lay still for 70 days. Iblis (Satan) fled to the bottom of the Great Sea until Solomon's face stopped glowing. When he next came ashore, all the animals on Earth were bowing in the direction of Baby Solomon. By the time he was 4 years old, Solomon knew all the languages spoken by humans and animals. He often spoke to ants, cows and birds.
When Solomon became king of Israel, emissaries from all the animal species approached him. The entire Animal Kingdom was put under his command. Then the Spirits of the Four Winds appeared and pledged loyalty to Solomon, giving him control over the wind.
Gabriel brought Solomon a ring from Heaven, the Seal of Vice-Regency. The ring had an inscription on it:
'There is no god but God; Everything will perish except his face; His is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory; Blessed be God the creator.'
(I suggest an alternative: 'One God to rule them all, One God to create them, One God to test them all, And on the Last Day, judge them.')
The ring gave Solomon the power to enslave jinn. He pressed it against their necks and they became his slaves. Gabriel helped Solomon round up the jinn. Only one, Sakhr, escaped. Even Iblis (Satan) was enslaved. Solomon put them to work building villages and cities, making pots and bowls, hunting for treasure from the bottom of the sea and the depths of the earth. Each of his cooks had a jinn helper.
Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to build a temple, which they set about doing. But they made a lot of noise cutting stones. The people complained. Solomon asked the jinn if they could cut stone more quietly. It transpired that only Sakhr, the Last Free Jinni, knew how to cut stone quietly. Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to capture Sakhr. They did this by spiking the spring he drank from with enough alcohol to make him unconscious.
Sakhr was enslaved, and he taught the jinn to cut stone using diamonds. This reduced noise pollution and pleased the humans. They finished building the Temple.
Gabriel brought Solomon another present from Heaven: a giant carpet. Sometimes, Solomon and his friends would travel around the world riding this carpet, because Solomon could control the wind. They passed over Medina, and Solomon said, "One day, this will be the home of the Bestest Prophet Ever." Then they passed over Mecca and he said, "This will be the birthplace of the aforementioned Bestest Prophet Ever."
When Solomon wanted to have fun times with his harem, he left his magic ring with a handmaid called Amina. One day, Sakhr disguised himself as Solomon and asked for the ring.
She gave it to him.
He sat on the throne.
When the real Solomon was finished having fun with his harem, he came out and asked for his ring. God transformed Solomon into Sakhr, so Amina told him to go away. Solomon fled, and lived on the streets for awhile.
With Sakhr on the throne, the kingdom of Israel went to shit.
Poor Solomon begged some fishermen for food. They gave him a fish. Inside the fish was...
THE SEAL OF VICE-REGENCY.
He washed it, put it on and his former glory and magic powers were restored. Solomon reclaimed his throne. Sakhr was bound in iron and covered in rock (Solomon did the rock bit with his magic ring). He was thrown into a lake, where he remains today, and he will remain there until the end of time (any day now).
Then Solomon died.
When Solomon was born, his face shone with dazzling light. All jinn who looked upon him fainted and lay still for 70 days. Iblis (Satan) fled to the bottom of the Great Sea until Solomon's face stopped glowing. When he next came ashore, all the animals on Earth were bowing in the direction of Baby Solomon. By the time he was 4 years old, Solomon knew all the languages spoken by humans and animals. He often spoke to ants, cows and birds.
When Solomon became king of Israel, emissaries from all the animal species approached him. The entire Animal Kingdom was put under his command. Then the Spirits of the Four Winds appeared and pledged loyalty to Solomon, giving him control over the wind.
Gabriel brought Solomon a ring from Heaven, the Seal of Vice-Regency. The ring had an inscription on it:
'There is no god but God; Everything will perish except his face; His is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory; Blessed be God the creator.'
(I suggest an alternative: 'One God to rule them all, One God to create them, One God to test them all, And on the Last Day, judge them.')
The ring gave Solomon the power to enslave jinn. He pressed it against their necks and they became his slaves. Gabriel helped Solomon round up the jinn. Only one, Sakhr, escaped. Even Iblis (Satan) was enslaved. Solomon put them to work building villages and cities, making pots and bowls, hunting for treasure from the bottom of the sea and the depths of the earth. Each of his cooks had a jinn helper.
Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to build a temple, which they set about doing. But they made a lot of noise cutting stones. The people complained. Solomon asked the jinn if they could cut stone more quietly. It transpired that only Sakhr, the Last Free Jinni, knew how to cut stone quietly. Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to capture Sakhr. They did this by spiking the spring he drank from with enough alcohol to make him unconscious.
Sakhr was enslaved, and he taught the jinn to cut stone using diamonds. This reduced noise pollution and pleased the humans. They finished building the Temple.
Gabriel brought Solomon another present from Heaven: a giant carpet. Sometimes, Solomon and his friends would travel around the world riding this carpet, because Solomon could control the wind. They passed over Medina, and Solomon said, "One day, this will be the home of the Bestest Prophet Ever." Then they passed over Mecca and he said, "This will be the birthplace of the aforementioned Bestest Prophet Ever."
When Solomon wanted to have fun times with his harem, he left his magic ring with a handmaid called Amina. One day, Sakhr disguised himself as Solomon and asked for the ring.
She gave it to him.
He sat on the throne.
When the real Solomon was finished having fun with his harem, he came out and asked for his ring. God transformed Solomon into Sakhr, so Amina told him to go away. Solomon fled, and lived on the streets for awhile.
With Sakhr on the throne, the kingdom of Israel went to shit.
Poor Solomon begged some fishermen for food. They gave him a fish. Inside the fish was...
THE SEAL OF VICE-REGENCY.
He washed it, put it on and his former glory and magic powers were restored. Solomon reclaimed his throne. Sakhr was bound in iron and covered in rock (Solomon did the rock bit with his magic ring). He was thrown into a lake, where he remains today, and he will remain there until the end of time (any day now).
Then Solomon died.
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