(The early Christians had a tough time convincing the followers of John the Baptist that Jesus, not John, was the actual Messiah. John's followers argued that Jesus began as one of John's followers, and only started thinking that he himself was the Messiah after John was arrested. They were unwilling to switch one dead messiah for another.)
Jesus came from Nazareth and was baptised by John in the Jordan River. When he came out of the water he saw the heavens being torn open and the Holy Spirit descending on him. Then God spoke to him: "You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.”
The Spirit told Jesus to out into the wilderness for forty days, where Satan tempted him. He hung around with wild animals, and was ministered by angels.
John was arrested, and Jesus went to Galilee to proclaim that it was End Times: “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.”
Jesus met Simon & Andrew, fishermen brothers, on the coast of the Sea of Galilee. He told them to come with him; they did. Later, he met James & John, brothers, and called them to him; they abandoned their father and followed him.
In Capernaum, Jesus went into a synagogue and started teaching. People were astonished. Outside the synagogue he met a man with an unclean spirit.
“What have you to do with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God.” said the man.
“Be silent, and come out of him!” said Jesus, and the man convulsed and cried out as the unclean spirit left him. And the people were amazed that he could command unclean spirits.
In the evening, people brought diseased people to him, and Jesus cast out many demons. Jesus touched a leper and cured his leprosy; he asked the former leper not to tell anyone about it, but the leper couldn't help himself. Jesus became famous.
2) Some days later, people brought a paralytic man to Jesus, who tells the paralytic that his sins are forgiven. Some people question whether Jesus has the authority to forgive sins; Jesus declares that the Son of Man has authority to forgive sins on earth. The paralytic got up and walked home; the people were amazed.
(Jesus is here declaring himself The Son of Man from the Book of Daniel:
"I kept looking in the night visions, And behold, with the clouds of heaven One like a Son of Man was coming, And He came up to the Ancient of Days And was presented before Him. And to Him was given dominion, Glory and a kingdom, That all the peoples, nations and men of every language Might serve Him. His dominion is an everlasting dominion Which will not pass away; And His kingdom is one Which will not be destroyed.")
When Jesus was at his house hanging around with tax collectors and sinners, a Pharisee asked why he was hanging out with such people. Jesus said, "“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.”
One Sabbath day, Jesus' disciples were plucking heads of grain. The Pharisees asked why they were doing work on the Sabbath. Jesus answered that the Sabbath was made for man, so the Son of Man is lord of the Sabbath.
3) Jesus returned to the Synagogue and healed a man with a withered hand.
Jesus appointed his twelve apostles and gave them authority to preach and cast out demons in his name. They were: Simon/Peter, James, John, James, Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, Simon the Zealot, and Judas Iscariot.
Jesus went home for food. A large crowd gathered. Jesus' family thought he was 'out of his mind'.
Someone accuses Jesus of being possessed by Beelzebub; the demons obey his commands because he is their leader. Jesus answered with a cryptic parable, and declared that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is the One Unforgivable Sin. Everything else will be forgiven, but not this.
Then Jesus' mother and brothers appeared, and told him to come home (for dinner, I like to imagine). Jesus declared that they weren't his real family, his followers were.
4) A large crowd. Jesus told them the Parable of the Sower:
Sower sows seed. Some seeds eaten by birds; some falls on rocky ground, where it grows and quickly withers; some grow amongst thorns, which choke it; some falls on good ground and grows well.)
Later that day, his apostles asked him what he was going on about. Jesus told them he was speaking in parables so that outsiders wouldn't understand the secrets of the Kingdom of God. He then explained that the seed is the word, the birds are Satan, rocky ground is weak will, and the thorns are greed. And the Kingdom of God is the sower! Jesus spoke in many parables, and he explained their meaning to his disciples in private.
Later that day, Jesus & Co. cross the Sea of Galilee. A great storm arose, but Jesus was asleep. His disciples were scared; they woke him and told him that they might die. Jesus told the wind to chill out; the storm calmed down. They were amazed.
5) On the other side, Jesus met a man with an unclean spirit. No one had ever been able to bind or calm this man. Night and day he would cry out and cut himself. Jesus commanded the spirit to leave him, and asked its name.
“My name is Legion, for we are many.” said the spirits.
There was a herd of pigs nearby, so Jesus commanded the spirits to enter the pigs, who immediately rushed down the steep bank into the sea and drowned. The man fled and told everyone what'd happened.
Jesus got into the boat and crossed back to other side. Another great crowd gathered. Amongst the crowd was a woman who had been discharging blood for twelve years, and no doctor could heal her*! She touched Jesus' garment and was cured; the flow of blood dried up. Feeling power drain from him, Jesus looked around asking who had touched him. The woman owned up. Jesus told her to go in peace because her faith has healed her.
(*2000 years ago, medical science wasn't great)
Then someone told Jesus that the local rabbi's daughter had died. Jesus told him not to fear, only believe. Then he went into the rabbi's house and declared that the girl was only sleeping. Then she got up and started walking. Everyone was amazed.
6) Jesus returned to his hometown. On the Sabbath he taught in the synagogue. Many people were amazed. They wondered where he had got his authority from, when he was the son of a carpenter and the rest of his family were amongst the synagogue's congregation. Jesus couldn't do much in his home town except heal a few sick people, so he went to other villages.
Jesus told his apostles to go out to two by two, casting out demons across the land, and not to accept payment for their services.
Meanwhile, King Herod heard about Jesus, and worried that he might be John the Baptist raised from the dead. Herod had killed John because his niece/daughter-in-law (Herod had married his brother's wife) had asked him to.
The apostles returned to Jesus. They travelled somewhere. Another big crowd, 'and he had compassion on them, for they were like sheep without a shepherd.' When it grew late, the apostles asked Jesus to send the crowd away; instead, Jesus decided to feed them using five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus said a blessing and broke up the food. All ate and were satisfied, five thousand men.
Then Jesus dismissed the crowd and told his disciples to get into the boat and cross to the other side. Jesus had a rest for a bit, but then he saw that the boat was making painful progress because the wind was against it. He walked up to it, on the water, and got in the boat. Then the wind stopped and his disciples were amazed.
They reached Gennesaret, and healed a lot of sick people.
7) The Pharisees noticed that Jesus & Co were eating food with dirty hands. (The Pharisees told Jews to wash their hands before eating; they also told people to wash their cups and pots.) They asked Jesus why they were eating with dirty hands. Jesus quotes from the Book of Isaiah, then says that hand-washing is a tradition of men, not a commandment of God.
Jesus said: "There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him... Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled? What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
(Here, Jesus demonstrates a knowledge of biology and hygiene which one might expect from an illiterate carpenter living 2000 years ago.)
A deaf man with a speech impediment was brought forth. Jesus put his fingers in the man's ears, spat on his hand and touched his tongue. Then the man was healed. Jesus asked them to tell no one, but they sure did!
8) Another great crowd; Jesus wanted to feed them. Luckily, he had seven loaves of bread with him. He broke them up and fed everyone, about four thousand people.
Then the Pharisees appeared and demanded a sign from heaven to prove who he was. Jesus sighed and asked why this generation always wanted people's claims to be backed up by evidence, and he refused to provide a sign.
Later, Jesus told his disciples that the Son of Man must suffer and be killed, then resurrect after three days. His disciples had no idea what he was on about. Jesus then explained that the people who come to follow him in the future and lose their lives for the sake of his gospel will be saved.
9) 'And he said to them, “Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the kingdom of God after it has come with power.”'
Six days later, Jesus took Peter, James and John up a mountain with him. And before them he was transfigured: his clothes became radiant, whiter than anything on earth could bleach*. Elijah and Moses appeared, and they were talking to Jesus. Then a voice came out of the clouds saying "This is my beloved Son!" And then everything went back to normal, and Jesus told them not to tell anyone what they'd seen.
(*Daz didn't exist 2000 years ago)
Another big crowd. Someone brought to Jesus their son, who had an evil spirit in him which occasionally seized control, throwing him to the ground and causing him to foam at the mouth, grind his teeth and become rigid... As soon as the spirit saw Jesus, it took control and sent the boy into a fit. Jesus asked the father how long this had been happening.
“From childhood. And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”
Jesus scoffed at the phrase 'if you can' and rebuked the unclean spirit, telling it to leave the boy and never return. After making the boy cry and convulse terribly, the spirit left and the boy looked dead. Jesus took him by the hand and helped him to his feet.
Children gather round and Jesus told his followers about sin:
“Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him if a great millstone were hung around his neck and he were thrown into the sea. And if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than with two hands to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire. And if your foot causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life lame than with two feet to be thrown into hell. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into shell, ‘where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched.’ For everyone will be salted with fire. Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another.”
10) Jesus & Co. went to Judea. Crowds gathered. A Pharisee asked if it was legal for a man to divorce his wife. Jesus asked what Moses said. The Pharisee said that Moses said it was OK. Jesus said that Moses made that up and divorce was bad. "But from the beginning of creation, ‘God made them male and female.’ ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Jesus went on to explain that remarrying after divorce was the same as adultery.
A man asked Jesus how he could get eternal life; Jesus told him to follow the commandments and "sell all that you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." The man went away, not wanting to get rid of everything he owned. Jesus lamented:
“How difficult it will be for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God! Children, how difficult it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God... Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and for the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”
Another great crowd. Jesus healed a blind man called Bartimaeus.
11) Jesus tells his disciples to find him a colt from a nearby village. Jesus sat on the colt; people spread leafy branches on the ground. He went into Jerusalem and looked around, but it was already late, so he went out to Bethany (a nearby village).
The next day, on the way back from Bethany, Jesus was hungry. He spotted a fig tree and approached it. But there was no fruit on it. Jesus cursed the tree.
They went to the Temple of Jerusalem, and Jesus drove out those who sold and bought in the temple, and he over-turned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of the pigeon-sellers. A crowd gathered round him, and he taught them. The chief priests and scribes were afraid and wanted to destroy him. Jesus & Co returned to Bethany.
The next day, Peter noticed that the fig tree had withered away. Jesus told him to have faith and believe, then anything is possible.
In Jerusalem again, the chief priests and scribes asked Jesus what authority he had. Jesus asked them what authority John the Baptist had. The priests were afraid to answer because if they said 'from heaven', they'd have to formally acknowledge him, but if they said 'from man', then they might get killed by the giant crowd of people who thought John was a legit prophet. So they answered, 'We do not know.' And Jesus dodged the question.
12) Someone, in an attempt to trap him, asked if it was lawful to pay taxes. Jesus pointed to Caesar's face on the coins and said “Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.” And they marvelled at him. (Jesus means: the Romans can have Roman things; the Promised Land belongs to God, who gave it to the Jews; therefore, Judea should be independent from Roman rule.)
Someone asked Jesus which commandment was most important. Jesus answered:
"The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these."
Then no one dared ask any further questions.
13) After leaving the temple, one of his disciples said it was a really nice building. Jesus told him that it was going to be destroyed.
Then they sat on the mount of olives. Peter, James, John and Andrew asked Jesus when everything's going to be accomplished. Jesus answered:
“See that no one leads you astray. Many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am he!’ and they will lead many astray. And when you hear of wars and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed. This must take place, but the end is not yet. For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places; there will be famines. These are but the beginning of the birth pains...
“But be on your guard. For they will deliver you over to councils, and you will be beaten in synagogues, and you will stand before governors and kings for my sake, to bear witness before them. And the gospel must first be proclaimed to all nations. And when they bring you to trial and deliver you over, do not be anxious beforehand what you are to say, but say whatever is given you in that hour, for it is not you who speak, but the Holy Spirit. And brother will deliver brother over to death, and the father his child, and children will rise against parents and have them put to death. And you will be hated by all for my name's sake. But the one who endures to the end will be saved...
"“But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven, and the powers in the heavens will be shaken. And then they will see the Son of Man coming in clouds with great power and glory. And then he will send out the angels and gather his elect from the four winds, from the ends of the earth to the ends of heaven...Truly, I say to you, this generation will not pass away until all these things take place. Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will not pass away... But concerning that day or that hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father."
(It is worth pointing out here, where Jesus admits ignorance of something God knows, that Jesus was not declared equal to God until 325 C.E. At this stage in the development of the scripture, Jesus is fully human: in Jewish religious language, a son of God is a particularly holy man, and the Son of Man is the Messiah.)
14) Two days before Passover, the chief priests decided to kill Jesus, but not during the Passover celebration itself, just in case the crowds went crazy.
Judas Iscariot went to the chief priests to betray Jesus; they promised money.
Passover time: the disciples prepared the Passover feast. While they are eating, Jesus said that someone amongst them had betrayed him, and it would've been better for the betrayer if he'd never been born.
Jesus took some bread, blessed it and passed it around.
“Take; this is my body."
Then he took a cup of wine and thanked everyone.
“This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many. Truly, I say to you, I will not drink again of the fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new in the kingdom of God.”
Then they went to Gethsemane. Jesus prayed for a bit, while Peter, James and John watched. Peter fell asleep; Jesus woke him, then prayed again. The others fell asleep. Jesus eventually woke them, saying that his betrayal was at hand.
Judas appeared, along with a crowd of armed men. He had told the crowd that he would kiss Jesus to mark him from the others. Judas greeted Jesus and kissed him. Jesus was arrested; one of Jesus' disciples drew his sword and cut off someone's ear before fleeing.
Jesus was presented before the council of chief priests and elders. The chief priests were seeking testimony to convict Jesus, but found none. Many bore false witness, but their testimonies contradicted each other. Jesus remained silent throughout until the high priest asked if he was the Christ.
“I am, and you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven.”
(See the passage from Daniel above.)
The council sentenced Jesus to death for blasphemy.
15) The next morning, Jesus was delivered to Pontius Pilate.
At the Passover feast, Pilate used to release a prisoner for the Jews. He asked the Jews if they wanted Jesus or the murderer Barabbas released. Pilate thought that Jesus was innocent, and the chief priests had convicted him out of envy, but the crowd wanted Jesus dead. The crowd cried 'Crucify him!'
(This bit about Pilate is fiction; Pilate was famously brutal with the Jews, sending out soldiers to slaughter them and signing execution orders without caring. The prisoner-release thing is nonsense. Even Roman citizens complained to the senate that he was too cruel. Here, the author of Mark is trying to distance the already unpopular Christians from the Jews, who had just rebelled against Rome, resulting in an increase of anti-Semitism. By making Pilate innocent-ish, and placing the blame on the Jews, the author also tries to cover up Jesus' anti-Roman preaching, and make Jesus more likeable to the growing number of Gentile Christians across the Roman Empire.)
Jesus was scourged and sent to the governor's headquarters. The Roman battalion clothed him in a purple cloak and put on him a crown of thorns. And they saluted him, saying “Hail, King of the Jews!” They spat on him and mocked him. When they had finished, they stripped him of the purple cloak and put his clothes back on him.
They asked a passerby, Simon of Cyrene, to carry his cross. They brought him to Golgotha. And they crucified him at the third hour. At the sixth hour there was darkness, which lasted until the ninth hour, when Jesus said "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Then Jesus uttered a loud cry and breathed his last. A nearby centurion said, "“Truly this man was a son of God!”
(Remember: in Jewish religious language, a 'son of God' is a particularly holy person, not a deity-human hybrid, or God in human form.)
In the evening, Joseph of Arimathea went to Pilate to ask for Jesus' body. Pilate was surprised that Jesus had died so quickly, then granted Joseph the corpse. Joseph wrapped the body in a linen shroud and laid it in a tomb. He rolled a stone against the entrance. This was on the eve of the Sabbath.
16) After the Sabbath, Mary Magdalene, Salome and Mary mother of Jesus visited Jesus' tomb.
Someone had already rolled back the stone.
Inside, there was a young man dressed in a white robe.
“Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter that he is going before you to Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.”
And they went out and fled from the tomb, for trembling and astonishment had seized them, and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid.
THE END
<credits roll>
(The rest of chapter was added in the second century; the earliest manuscripts end with that Dramatic Cliffhanger. I like to think of the rest as during-credits, or after-credits, scenes)
Jesus appeared to Mary Magdalene. (during credits)
Jesus appeared to two disciples. (during credits)
<credits end>
Jesus appeared to the eleven apostles, and he rebuked them for their unbelief. And he said to them:
“Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.”
Then Jesus flew up to heaven and sat down at the right hand of God.
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