And Boris Said Unto the People

And Boris said unto the people of Britain, 

"If you vote Leave, I will give peace in the land, and you shall lie down, and none shall make you afraid. And I will remove illegal immigrants from the land, and terrorists shall not enter the land. We shall chase our enemies, and they shall fall before us. Five of us shall chase a hundred, and a hundred of us shall chase ten thousand, and our enemies shall fall before us. I will turn to you and make you fruitful, and Britain shall be great again. You shall eat old store long kept, and you shall clear out the old to make way for the new. I will make my dwelling among you, and I shall not abhor you. And I will walk among you and be your Prime Minister, and you shall be my people. I am Boris your Savior, who shall bring you out of the EU, that you should not be slaves to Brussels. 

"But if you will not listen to me and will not vote Leave, then this I promise you: You shall sow your seed in vain, for the migrants shall eat it. As you walk home at night, you shall be struck down by illegal immigrants. Those who hate you, the meddling Brussels Eurocrats, shall rule over you. Your strength shall be spent in vain, for your land shall not yield its increase, and the trees of the land shall not yield their fruit, because of EU regulations.

And the EU will let loose terrorists among you, which shall bereave you of your children and destroy your livestock and make you few in number, so that your roads shall be deserted of British people, although still very full of illegal immigrants. And if you gather within your cities, pestilence will be among you, because the migrants will bring new diseases with them, and you shall be delivered into the hand of the enemy, because the foreigners will betray you.

When the EU breaks your supply of bread, when EU red tape means that we cannot make proper British bread anymore, ten women shall bake your bread in a single oven and shall dole out your bread again by weight, and you shall eat and not be satisfied. And so you shall eat the flesh of your sons, and you shall eat the flesh of your daughters. Migrants will steal your houses, and your dead bodies will be cast upon our Great British landmarks. Your land shall be a desolation, and your cities shall be a waste.

And I myself will never forgive you for voting Remain. I myself will devastate the land, so that the migrants who settle in it shall be appalled at it. And I will hunt you Remainers among the nations, and I will unsheathe a sword after you, and I will find you, and I will kill you."

-Based on Leviticus chapter 26.