Hebrew Bible: Joshua

Previously: the Israelites arrived at the Jordan River, the border to the Promised Land. Moses died, and Joshua took command.

1) Joshua tells the Israelites to be ready to cross the river in three days.

2) Two spies are sent into the promised land. They go into the house of a prostitute named Rahab.
The king of Jericho hears about the spies, and sends men to find them them.
Rahab hides the spies and tells the king's men that they've already left. She then asks the spies to spare her family's lives when the land is conquered. The spies agree.
The spies leave, hide in the hills for three days, then return to the Israelites at the Jordan River.

3) It's time to cross the river.
They carry the Ark of the Covenant to the shallows of the river.
The Jordan River parts, Red-Sea-style (except that the water downriver of their crossing continues to flow; the upriver water builds up next to them).
The Israelites walk across the dry river bed.

4) Forty thousand Israelites, ready for war, cross the river. Twelve stones (one for each tribe) are placed in the middle of the river to commemorate the crossing. When the Ark of the Covenant is brought out, the flow resumes, and the river floods its banks.

5) The Israelites circumcise all the non-circumcised males amongst them, using flint knives. They rest for a few days while their penises heal, and celebrate Passover.
Joshua sees a man standing by the Jordan river. He asks whether he is friend or foe.
The man explains that he is the commander of God's army, and that Joshua really should take his sandals off because he's standing on holy ground.
Joshua takes his sandals off.

6) They arrive at Jericho. The city is shut, prepared for siege.
God tells Joshua that for the next six days all the men should march around the city once per day. On the seventh day, they should march around the city seven times and God will knock one of the city walls down.
Joshua tells the soldiers what should be done with the loot: "All silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.” Everything else must be destroyed.
They do all the marching around the city; God knocks down a city wall; they capture city and kill everything except Rahab's family.
'They devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.'
Then they burn the city down (after ensuring Rahab's family had got out).

7) But one of the soldiers took some prohibited loot from the city, and this made God angry.
Joshua sends about 3000 men to attack the city of Ai. They lose the fight; about 36 of them are killed, and flee back to the camp. Joshua becomes unhappy and asks God why they lost the fight.
God explains that someone took some loot that should have been destroyed with the city, and until that loot is destroyed God will not let the Israelites win their fights.

The next day, Joshua goes through each tribe asking if anyone took some prohibited loot from Jericho.
Achan confesses to taking a beautiful cloak, some silver and some gold.
Achan is stoned to death while being burned alive. (Overkill, IMHO)

8) God tells Joshua that everything is cool now, and that he should now attack Ai with all of his men.
Joshua tells 30,000 men to sneak round the city by night, and lie in ambush nearby.
The next morning, Joshua leads 5000 men to attack Ai.
The king of Ai sees the 5000 men and sends his troops out to defeat them. Joshua's 5000 pretend to be defeated, and flee further and further from the city. The army of Ai chases them, leaving the city open.
Joshua gives the signal to the hidden 30,000, who come out of hiding, capture the city and set it on fire.
The army of Ai looks back and is disheartened.
The king of Ai is taken alive. Everyone else is killed. This time, they decide to keep the livestock rather than kill it all.
The king of Ai is hung from a tree.

9) The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites of the Promised Land form an alliance against Israel.
The Gibeonites, on the other hand, decide to trick Israel.
They wear worn out clothes and sandals. They visit the Israelite camp pretending to be travellers from a distant land. Joshua makes a covenant of peace with them, agreeing to let them live, without first consulting with God to check if they are legit.
Three days later Joshua & Co. learn that they are inhabitants of the Promised Land, and that they have agreed not to destroy their cities. Much disappointment follows.
Joshua asks the Gibeonites why they lied, and they explain that they were scared for their lives. Joshua decides to let them live as servants.

10) The Last Alliance attacks Gibeon for joining Israel. Joshua & Co go to save Gibeon. God makes the Alliance's army panic and flee.
'The Lord threw down large stones from heaven on them as far as Azekah, and they died. There were more who died because of the hailstones than the sons of Israel killed with the sword."
Joshua commands the Sun and moon to stand still for dramatic effect; God makes it so.

The five Amorite kings are found hiding in cave.
'And when they brought those kings out to Joshua, Joshua summoned all the men of Israel and said to the chiefs of the men of war who had gone with him, “Come near; put your feet on the necks of these kings.” Then they came near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed; be strong and courageous. For thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.” And afterward Joshua struck them and put them to death, and he hanged them on five trees. And they hung on the trees until evening.'

Israel conquers Southern Canaan. 'He left none remaining, but devoted to destruction all that breathed, just as the Lord God of Israel commanded.'

11) The Last Alliance gathers by the waters of Merom. God tells Joshua not to be afraid.
The Israelites attack. 'And they struck them until he left none remaining. And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.'

Israel conquers more places, killing more people and animals, burning more cities, taking more loot.

12) A recap of the kingdoms defeated by Moses and Joshua

13-21) Joshua is quite old now. They haven't conquered the entirety of the Promised Land. He divides up the Promised Land between the tribes (including the as yet unconquered areas).

22) The tribes of Reuben, Gad and Manasseh return across the Jordan river, to the lands conquered by Moses. There they build an altar to God. This angers the tribes living in the promised land; they want some more killing.
But first, they decide to send some negotiators to ask 'wtf is going on?'
The tribes explain that they built the altar not as a substitute for the true altar of God in the promised land, but as a reminder of their faith. They had no intention of sacrificing to God on it. That would be silly.
The negotiators think that this is cool, so return home and calm everyone down.

23) Joshua gives an inspirational speech in which he reminds everyone that the Promised Land belongs to them; that they have to obey the Laws of Moses; that they shouldn't mingle with people of other nations, or mention any of their gods.

24) Joshua repeatedly reminds the Israelites to follow God alone. "He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins."

Joshua dies and is buried.