17) 'In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes.'
A guy called Micah invites asks a Levite to be his live-in priest. 'And Micah ordained the Levite, and the young man became his priest, and was in the house of Micah. Then Micah said, “Now I know that the Lord will prosper me, because I have a Levite as priest.”
18) 'In those days there was no king in Israel.'
The tribe of Dan have lost their land, so want to steal someone else's. They send out spies who meet with, and are blessed by, Micah's live-in priest. They go on to spy out the land of Laish and report back to their leaders.
The Danites set off to conquer Laish. On the way one of them points out that they saw a carved image in Micah's house. So they raid Micah's house (he is out) and take his priest for themselves.
When Micah finds out about this, he is understandably angry. He catches up to the Danites with his own army.
Danites: “What is the matter with you, that you come with such a company?”
Micah: “You take my gods that I made and the priest, and go away, and what have I left? How then do you ask me, ‘What is the matter with you?’”
Danites: “Do not let your voice be heard among us, lest angry fellows fall upon you, and you lose your life with the lives of your household.”
'Then the people of Dan went their way. And when Micah saw that they were too strong for him, he turned and went back to his home.' #anticlimax
The Danites conquer Laish.
19) 'In those days, when there was no king in Israel...'
A Levite visits his concubine's family in Bethlehem. It gets late, and the girl's father asks him to stay the night, but he doesn't want to. On the way home they decide to stay the night at the city of Gibeah, which belongs to the tribe of Benjamin: 'the men of the place were Benjaminites.'
An old man offers them shelter. Later on, the men of the city, 'worthless fellows', surround the house, beat on door, and ask the old man to bring out the Levite so they can rape him.
Old Man: “No, my brothers, do not act so wickedly; since this man has come into my house, do not do this vile thing. Behold, here are my virgin daughter and his concubine. Let me bring them out now. Violate them and do with them what seems good to you, but against this man do not do this outrageous thing.”
'So the man seized his concubine and made her go out to them. And they knew her and abused her all night until the morning. And as the dawn began to break, they let her go. And as morning appeared, the woman came and fell down at the door of the man's house where her master was, until it was light.'
'And her master rose up in the morning, and when he opened the doors of the house and went out to go on his way, behold, there was his concubine lying at the door of the house, with her hands on the threshold.'
'He said to her, “Get up, let us be going.”'
'But there was no answer.'
'Then he put her on the donkey, and the man rose up and went away to his home. And when he entered his house, he took a knife, and taking hold of his concubine he divided her, limb by limb, into twelve pieces, and sent her throughout all the territory of Israel. And all who saw it said, “Such a thing has never happened or been seen from the day that the people of Israel came up out of the land of Egypt until this day; consider it, take counsel, and speak.”'
20) The people of Israel gather in outrage, 400,000 men and all the tribal leaders, and ask the Levite wtf happened.
He explains: “I came to Gibeah that belongs to Benjamin, I and my concubine, to spend the night. And the leaders of Gibeah rose against me and surrounded the house against me by night. They meant to kill me, and they violated my concubine, and she is dead. So I took hold of my concubine and cut her in pieces and sent her throughout all the country of the inheritance of Israel, for they have committed abomination and outrage in Israel. Behold, you people of Israel, all of you, give your advice and counsel here.”
They decide to attack Gibeah. 'So all the men of Israel gathered against the city, united as one man.' They ask the tribe of Benjamin to hand over Gibeah, so that its people may be executed. The Benjaminites refuse, and defend the relatives in Gibeah.
Fighting. Dying. Occasionally someone asks God what to do; he tells them to fight against Benjamin. Fighting. Gibeah is destroyed. 'And the men of Israel turned back against the people of Benjamin and struck them with the edge of the sword, the city, men and beasts and all that they found. And all the towns that they found they set on fire.' Most of the Benjaminites die.
21) The men of Israel swear never to let anyone marry into the tribe of Benjamin. But then they decide that they don't want the tribe die out, but they can't go back on their previous oath. What to do?
They notice that one of the minor sub-tribes didn't meet up with the rest of them, so didn't make the oath and didn't join the attack against Gibeah. Perhaps they just hadn't heard about what was going on.
The congregation decides to send a small army to attack this little sub-tribe. They slaughter its people, its men, children, and non-virgin women. They find 400 virgins in the sub-tribe, and give them to the men of Benjamin.
But that's not enough women. The congregation wonders what else it can do. Another bright idea occurs to them: they tell the Benjaminites to steal some wives from the people of Shiloh, where a festival is going on. So the Benjaminites kidnap a load of girls from a party.
'In those days there was no king in Israel. Everyone did what was right in his own eyes.'
END OF JUDGES
Tuesday 12 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Judges 13-16 (Samson)
13) Philistia conquers Israel.
A woman is visited by an angel and told that she is going to bear a son. BUT SHE MUST NEVER CUT HIS HAIR BECAUSE HE IS THE CHOSEN ONE TO SAVE ISRAEL FROM THE PHILISTINES. She relays this information to her husband: "“A man of God came to me, and his appearance was like the appearance of the angel of God, very awesome. I did not ask him where he was from, and he did not tell me his name, but he said to me, ‘Behold, you shall conceive and bear a son.'"
Her husband prays for assistance in raising the child. The angel returns and they talk for a bit. The man offers the angel some food, the angel declines but suggests they sacrifice a goat to God instead. The goat bursts into flames, and the angel flies up the flames into the sky.
Husband: “We shall surely die, for we have seen God.”
Wife: “If the Lord had meant to kill us, he would not have accepted a burnt offering and a grain offering at our hands, or shown us all these things, or now announced to us such things as these.”
Unto them a child is born: Samson.
14) Fast-forward an unspecified number of years.
Samson spots a sexy Philistine woman, and wants her to be his wife. He tells his parents, but they'd prefer that he keep it in the family (“Is there not a woman among the daughters of your relatives, or among all our people, that you must go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?”). But Samson wants the Philistine.
Samson spots a sexy Philistine woman, and wants her to be his wife. He tells his parents, but they'd prefer that he keep it in the family (“Is there not a woman among the daughters of your relatives, or among all our people, that you must go to take a wife from the uncircumcised Philistines?”). But Samson wants the Philistine.
So Samson heads to Timnah to visit her, and on the way a lion attacks him. 'Then the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat.'
He meets with the Philistine girl, and likes her a lot. He visits her again a few days later, and sees the lion carcass on the way. A swarm of bees has made a hive in the carcass and produced some honey. Samson eats some of the honey.
Samson, his parents, the girl he fancies, and thirty other Philistines have a big feast. Samson challenges them to solve a riddle:
“Out of the eater came something to eat.
Out of the strong came something sweet.”
If they solve within three days, he'll give them some clothes; if they don't, they give him some clothes.
'And in three days they could not solve the riddle.'
They ask Samson's wife to get the answer out of him.
His Wife: “You only hate me; you do not love me. You have put a riddle to my people, and you have not told me what it is.”
Samson: “Behold, I have not told my father nor my mother, and shall I tell you?”
She cries for five days and eventually he relents and tells her the answer. Then he gets angry, goes on a killing spree (30 dead) and returns to his father's house.
In his absence, Samson's wife is given to his friend, who had been best man at the wedding.
15) After a few days, Samson has calmed down and decides to visit his wife. He brings a young goat as a present. His father-in-law feels a bit awkward.
Samson: “I will go in to my wife in the chamber.”
Father-In-Law: “I really thought that you utterly hated her, so I gave her to your companion. Is not her younger sister more beautiful than she? Please take her instead.”
Samson: “This time I shall be innocent in regard to the Philistines, when I do them harm.”
'So Samson went and caught 300 foxes and took torches. And he turned them tail to tail and put a torch between each pair of tails. And when he had set fire to the torches, he let the foxes go into the standing grain of the Philistines and set fire to the stacked grain and the standing grain, as well as the olive orchards. Then the Philistines said, “Who has done this?” And they said, “Samson, the son-in-law of the Timnite, because he has taken his wife and given her to his companion.” And the Philistines came up and burned her and her father with fire.'
Samson swears revenge for their deaths.
Sometime later, a Philistine army starts raiding places, looking for Samson. Some Israelites find him. They agree not to attack him themselves: they will only tie him up and hand him over.
'When he came to Lehi, the Philistines came shouting to meet him. Then the Spirit of the Lord rushed upon him, and the ropes that were on his arms became as flax that has caught fire, and his bonds melted off his hands. And he found a fresh jawbone of a donkey, and put out his hand and took it, and with it he struck 1,000 men. And Samson said,
“With the jawbone of a donkey,
heaps upon heaps,
with the jawbone of a donkey
have I struck down a thousand men.”
As soon as he had finished speaking, he threw away the jawbone out of his hand.' (That is how bad-ass Samson is.)
'And he was very thirsty, and he called upon the Lord and said, “You have granted this great salvation by the hand of your servant, and shall I now die of thirst and fall into the hands of the uncircumcised?” And God split open the hollow place that is at Lehi, and water came out from it. And when he drank, his spirit returned, and he revived.'
16) 'Samson went to Gaza, and there he saw a prostitute, and he went in to her. The Gazites were told, “Samson has come here.” And they surrounded the place and set an ambush for him all night at the gate of the city. They kept quiet all night, saying, “Let us wait till the light of the morning; then we will kill him.” But Samson lay till midnight' and then escaped.
He goes to the Valley of Sorek, and loves a woman called Delilah. The Philistines want to know Samson's weakness, so they offer her 1,100 pieces of silver if she can get it out of him.
Delilah: “Please tell me where your great strength lies, and how you might be bound, that one could subdue you.”
Samson: “If they bind me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.”
She ties him up while he's sleeping, and the Philistines attack. 'But he snapped the bowstrings, as a thread of flax snaps when it touches the fire. So the secret of his strength was not known.'
Delilah: “Behold, you have mocked me and told me lies. Please tell me how you might be bound.”
Samson: “If they bind me with new ropes that have not been used, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.”
She ties him up while he's sleeping, and the Philistines attack. 'But he snapped the ropes off his arms like a thread.'
Delilah: “Until now you have mocked me and told me lies. Tell me how you might be bound.”
Samson: “If you weave the seven locks of my head with the web and fasten it tight with the pin, then I shall become weak and be like any other man.”
She does this while he sleeps, and the Philistines attack. 'But he awoke from his sleep and pulled away the pin, the loom, and the web.'
Delilah: “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and you have not told me where your great strength lies.”
'And when she pressed him hard with her words day after day, and urged him, his soul was vexed to death. And he told her all his heart, and said to her, “A razor has never come upon my head, for I have been a Nazirite to God from my mother's womb. If my head is shaved, then my strength will leave me, and I shall become weak and be like any other man." WHAT AN IDIOT.
So she cuts his hair off while he sleeps. 'And the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes and brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze shackles. And he ground at the mill in the prison. But the hair of his head began to grow again after it had been shaved.'
'Now the lords of the Philistines gathered to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to rejoice, and they said, “Our god has given Samson our enemy into our hand.” And when the people saw him, they praised their god. For they said, “Our god has given our enemy into our hand, the ravager of our country, who has killed many of us.”
'And when their hearts were merry, they said, “Call Samson, that he may entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he entertained them. They made him stand between the pillars. And Samson said to the young man who held him by the hand, “Let me feel the pillars on which the house rests, that I may lean against them.” Now the house was full of men and women. All the lords of the Philistines were there, and on the roof there were about 3,000 men and women, who looked on while Samson entertained.'
'And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life.'
Sunday 10 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Judges 9-12 (Jephthah)
PREVIOUSLY ON JUDGES: Gideon had seventy-one sons, including Abimelech, child of his concubine.
9) Abimelech decides that he wants to rule Israel. He becomes popular through the work of his mother's family. He hires 'worthless and reckless fellows' to follow him. He kills 69 of Gideon's sons: only Jotham survives and flees to Beer (unfortunate name).
Abimelech is made king, and rules Israel for 3 years.
Abimelech learns that a man called Gaal in the city of Shechem wants to rebel against him. The people of Shechem kick Gaal's family out of the city: they don't want any trouble.
But Abimelech attacks Shechem anyway. The city is destroyed. The remaining inhabitants hide in the Tower of Shechem. The tower is destroyed, the people killed.
Then he decides to attack another city: Thebez. The people flee into the Tower of Thebez.
'And a certain woman threw an upper millstone on Abimelech's head and crushed his skull. Then he called quickly to the young man his armor-bearer and said to him, “Draw your sword and kill me, lest they say of me, ‘A woman killed him.’” '
'And his young man thrust him through, and he died. And when the men of Israel saw that Abimelech was dead, everyone departed to his home.'
10) The Sixth Judge: Tola (no more important details given)
The Seventh Judge: Jair. 'And he had thirty sons who rode on thirty donkeys, and they had thirty cities'!
'The people of Israel again did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and served the Baals and the Ashtaroth, the gods of Syria, the gods of Sidon, the gods of Moab, the gods of the Ammonites, and the gods of the Philistines. And they forsook the Lord and did not serve him. So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of the Philistines and into the hand of the Ammonites, and they crushed and oppressed the people of Israel that year. For eighteen years they oppressed all the people of Israel who were beyond the Jordan in the land of the Amorites... And the Ammonites crossed the Jordan to fight also against Judah and against Benjamin and against the house of Ephraim, so that Israel was severely distressed.'
The people cry out to God for help, but God says: "I will save you no more. Go and cry out to the gods whom you have chosen; let them save you in the time of your distress.”
'So they put away the foreign gods from among them and served the Lord, and he became impatient over the misery of Israel.'
11) 'Now Jephthah was a mighty warrior, but he was the son of a prostitute. Gilead was the father of Jephthah. And Gilead's wife also bore him sons. And when his wife's sons grew up, they drove Jephthah out and said to him, “You shall not have an inheritance in our father's house, for you are the son of another woman.” Then Jephthah fled from his brothers and lived in the land of Tob, and worthless fellows collected around Jephthah and went out with him.'
The Eight Judge: Jephthah
Desperate times call for desperate measures: Israel summons Jephthah to lead them in battle.
Jephthah sends messengers to Ammonites, asking why they are warring with Israel. The Ammonite king points out that Israel stole their land. Jephthah's reply explains that God gave the land to Israel, so shut up and be happy with the land you were allowed to keep. 'But the king of the Ammonites did not listen to the words of Jephthah that he sent to him.'
War it is then. Jephthah makes a really stupidly specific deal withthe Devil God, which was only ever going to turn out badly:
“If you will give the Ammonites into my hand, then whatever comes out from the doors of my house to meet me when I return in peace from the Ammonites shall be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.”
He conquers the Ammonites and returns home.
'And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and with dances. She was his only child; besides her he had neither son nor daughter. And as soon as he saw her, he tore his clothes and said, “Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low, and you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the Lord, and I cannot take back my vow.”'
His daughter understands, but asks that he leaves her alone for two months so she can 'weep for her virginity'.
After two months of 'weeping for her virginity', she returns home, definitely still a virgin, and Jephthah sacrifices her as a burnt offering.
12) The men of Ephraim are upset with Jephthah because he didn't invite them to hisparty slaughter of the Ammonites. They threaten to burn down his house.
Fighting. Conquering. Slaughtering. 42,000 dead Ephraimites.
The Ninth Judge: Ibzan
The Tenth Judge: Elon
The Eleventh Judge: Abdon. 'He had forty sons and thirty grandsons, who rode on seventy donkeys'!
NEXT TIME: Samson, the Incredible Hulk of the Old Testament.
9) Abimelech decides that he wants to rule Israel. He becomes popular through the work of his mother's family. He hires 'worthless and reckless fellows' to follow him. He kills 69 of Gideon's sons: only Jotham survives and flees to Beer (unfortunate name).
Abimelech is made king, and rules Israel for 3 years.
Abimelech learns that a man called Gaal in the city of Shechem wants to rebel against him. The people of Shechem kick Gaal's family out of the city: they don't want any trouble.
But Abimelech attacks Shechem anyway. The city is destroyed. The remaining inhabitants hide in the Tower of Shechem. The tower is destroyed, the people killed.
Then he decides to attack another city: Thebez. The people flee into the Tower of Thebez.
'And a certain woman threw an upper millstone on Abimelech's head and crushed his skull. Then he called quickly to the young man his armor-bearer and said to him, “Draw your sword and kill me, lest they say of me, ‘A woman killed him.’” '
'And his young man thrust him through, and he died. And when the men of Israel saw that Abimelech was dead, everyone departed to his home.'
10) The Sixth Judge: Tola (no more important details given)
The Seventh Judge: Jair. 'And he had thirty sons who rode on thirty donkeys, and they had thirty cities'!
'The people of Israel again did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and served the Baals and the Ashtaroth, the gods of Syria, the gods of Sidon, the gods of Moab, the gods of the Ammonites, and the gods of the Philistines. And they forsook the Lord and did not serve him. So the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of the Philistines and into the hand of the Ammonites, and they crushed and oppressed the people of Israel that year. For eighteen years they oppressed all the people of Israel who were beyond the Jordan in the land of the Amorites... And the Ammonites crossed the Jordan to fight also against Judah and against Benjamin and against the house of Ephraim, so that Israel was severely distressed.'
The people cry out to God for help, but God says: "I will save you no more. Go and cry out to the gods whom you have chosen; let them save you in the time of your distress.”
'So they put away the foreign gods from among them and served the Lord, and he became impatient over the misery of Israel.'
11) 'Now Jephthah was a mighty warrior, but he was the son of a prostitute. Gilead was the father of Jephthah. And Gilead's wife also bore him sons. And when his wife's sons grew up, they drove Jephthah out and said to him, “You shall not have an inheritance in our father's house, for you are the son of another woman.” Then Jephthah fled from his brothers and lived in the land of Tob, and worthless fellows collected around Jephthah and went out with him.'
The Eight Judge: Jephthah
Desperate times call for desperate measures: Israel summons Jephthah to lead them in battle.
Jephthah sends messengers to Ammonites, asking why they are warring with Israel. The Ammonite king points out that Israel stole their land. Jephthah's reply explains that God gave the land to Israel, so shut up and be happy with the land you were allowed to keep. 'But the king of the Ammonites did not listen to the words of Jephthah that he sent to him.'
War it is then. Jephthah makes a really stupidly specific deal with
“If you will give the Ammonites into my hand, then whatever comes out from the doors of my house to meet me when I return in peace from the Ammonites shall be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.”
He conquers the Ammonites and returns home.
'And behold, his daughter came out to meet him with tambourines and with dances. She was his only child; besides her he had neither son nor daughter. And as soon as he saw her, he tore his clothes and said, “Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low, and you have become the cause of great trouble to me. For I have opened my mouth to the Lord, and I cannot take back my vow.”'
His daughter understands, but asks that he leaves her alone for two months so she can 'weep for her virginity'.
After two months of 'weeping for her virginity', she returns home, definitely still a virgin, and Jephthah sacrifices her as a burnt offering.
12) The men of Ephraim are upset with Jephthah because he didn't invite them to his
Fighting. Conquering. Slaughtering. 42,000 dead Ephraimites.
The Ninth Judge: Ibzan
The Tenth Judge: Elon
The Eleventh Judge: Abdon. 'He had forty sons and thirty grandsons, who rode on seventy donkeys'!
NEXT TIME: Samson, the Incredible Hulk of the Old Testament.
Friday 8 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Judges 6-8 (Gideon)
6) Midian conquers Israel. The Israelites flee to the mountains and live in caves. Midianites and Amorites constantly steal Israel's food. 'And the people of Israel cried out for help to the Lord.'
An angel of God visits Gideon, and tells him that God is with him. Gideon asks why so many bad things are happening to Israel if God is on their side.
'And the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?”'
The Fifth Judge: Gideon.
The angel says that God will prove his divinity; he tells Gideon what to do. Gideon gathers some goat meat, some broth and some cakes. He places it on a rock, as directed by the angel. The angel touches the meat and the cakes with his staff: they burst into flames, and the angel vanishes.
'Then Gideon perceived that he was the angel of the Lord. And Gideon said, “Alas, O Lord God! For now I have seen the angel of the Lord face to face.” But the Lord said to him, “Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.” Then Gideon built an altar there to the Lord and called it, 'The Lord Is Peace'.'
That night, under God's orders, Gideon tore down the altars to the false gods Baal and Asherah. Then he sacrifices a bull.
In the morning, the people are angry that their altars have been vandalised. They discover that it was the work of Gideon. They want him dead; they go to his house. Joash, Gideon's father, points out that if Baal is a god then he doesn't need humans to do his dirty work for him: let Baal deal with Gideon himself. Faced by that onslaught of reason, the mob backs down.
The Midianites and the Amalekites team up against Israel. Gideon sounds the trumpet of war and gathers an army.
Gideon then asks for a very specific sign from God:
“If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said.” And it was so.
Gideon is astounded; he asks God for another very specific sign:
'“Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew.'
7) God tells Gideon that his army is too big: the people won't believe they won through divine intervention if they're part of a large army. Gideon reduces his army from 32,000 to 300.
That night, Gideon and his servant Purah spy out the Midianite army camp. 'And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the people of the East lay along the valley like locusts in abundance, and their camels were without number, as the sand that is on the seashore in abundance.'
A Midianite soldier is overheard saying: "God has given into his hand Midian and all the camp.”
Gideon returns to his soldiers and tells them to surround the camp. When he gives the signal, they are all to blow trumpets, smash jars and shout 'For the Lord and Gideon!'
This freaks the Midianites out. They flee. A lot of them are killed. Some of the Midianites killed each other in the confusion.
Gideon summons the rest of his troops, the land is reclaimed, the princes of Midian executed.
8) With his favourite 300, Gideon chases the Zebah and Zalmunna, the kings of Midian, across the Jordan river.
They stop in Succoth and ask for food; they are refused.
“Well then," says Gideon, "when the Lord has given Zebah and Zalmunna into my hand, I will flail your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers.”
They pass on to Penuel, and are refused again.
Gideon: “When I come again in peace, I will break down this tower.”
Then they find, capture and execute the Midian kings. On the way home Gideon destroys the Tower of Penuel, kills the men of Penuel, and flails the flesh of the elders of Succoth with thorns from the wilderness.
'Then the men of Israel said to Gideon, “Rule over us, you and your son and your grandson also, for you have saved us from the hand of Midian.”
Gideon said to them, “I will not rule over you, and my son will not rule over you; the Lord will rule over you.”'
Gideon lived to good old age, and left behind seventy sons from his many wives and another, Abimelech, from his concubine.
After all that, Israel again turned from worshipping God and following his rules.
An angel of God visits Gideon, and tells him that God is with him. Gideon asks why so many bad things are happening to Israel if God is on their side.
'And the Lord turned to him and said, “Go in this might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?”'
The Fifth Judge: Gideon.
The angel says that God will prove his divinity; he tells Gideon what to do. Gideon gathers some goat meat, some broth and some cakes. He places it on a rock, as directed by the angel. The angel touches the meat and the cakes with his staff: they burst into flames, and the angel vanishes.
'Then Gideon perceived that he was the angel of the Lord. And Gideon said, “Alas, O Lord God! For now I have seen the angel of the Lord face to face.” But the Lord said to him, “Peace be to you. Do not fear; you shall not die.” Then Gideon built an altar there to the Lord and called it, 'The Lord Is Peace'.'
That night, under God's orders, Gideon tore down the altars to the false gods Baal and Asherah. Then he sacrifices a bull.
In the morning, the people are angry that their altars have been vandalised. They discover that it was the work of Gideon. They want him dead; they go to his house. Joash, Gideon's father, points out that if Baal is a god then he doesn't need humans to do his dirty work for him: let Baal deal with Gideon himself. Faced by that onslaught of reason, the mob backs down.
The Midianites and the Amalekites team up against Israel. Gideon sounds the trumpet of war and gathers an army.
Gideon then asks for a very specific sign from God:
“If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said.” And it was so.
Gideon is astounded; he asks God for another very specific sign:
'“Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew.” And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew.'
7) God tells Gideon that his army is too big: the people won't believe they won through divine intervention if they're part of a large army. Gideon reduces his army from 32,000 to 300.
That night, Gideon and his servant Purah spy out the Midianite army camp. 'And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the people of the East lay along the valley like locusts in abundance, and their camels were without number, as the sand that is on the seashore in abundance.'
A Midianite soldier is overheard saying: "God has given into his hand Midian and all the camp.”
Gideon returns to his soldiers and tells them to surround the camp. When he gives the signal, they are all to blow trumpets, smash jars and shout 'For the Lord and Gideon!'
This freaks the Midianites out. They flee. A lot of them are killed. Some of the Midianites killed each other in the confusion.
Gideon summons the rest of his troops, the land is reclaimed, the princes of Midian executed.
8) With his favourite 300, Gideon chases the Zebah and Zalmunna, the kings of Midian, across the Jordan river.
They stop in Succoth and ask for food; they are refused.
“Well then," says Gideon, "when the Lord has given Zebah and Zalmunna into my hand, I will flail your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers.”
They pass on to Penuel, and are refused again.
Gideon: “When I come again in peace, I will break down this tower.”
Then they find, capture and execute the Midian kings. On the way home Gideon destroys the Tower of Penuel, kills the men of Penuel, and flails the flesh of the elders of Succoth with thorns from the wilderness.
'Then the men of Israel said to Gideon, “Rule over us, you and your son and your grandson also, for you have saved us from the hand of Midian.”
Gideon said to them, “I will not rule over you, and my son will not rule over you; the Lord will rule over you.”'
Gideon lived to good old age, and left behind seventy sons from his many wives and another, Abimelech, from his concubine.
After all that, Israel again turned from worshipping God and following his rules.
Wednesday 6 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Judges 1-5
PREVIOUSLY: The Israelite horde conquered a big chunk of the Promised Land.
1) The men of Judah and Simeon conquer more land, including Jerusalem and Gaza. They don't manage to conquer and destroy everything: the Canaanites survive and are kept as Israel's slaves.
(Hey, remember back in Genesis when drunken Noah curses his grandson Canaan, saying that his descendants should serve his brothers' descendants?)
2) The format of the book is explained:
Israel stops worshipping God, and starts worshipping foreign gods.
God gets angry and lets them get conquered. Different neighbouring kingdoms take turns conquering Israel.
God chooses heroes, the Judges, to lead Israel back to worshipping God.
After the judge dies, Israel returns to its evil ways and worships foreign gods.
All of this angers God, so he refuses to drive out all the nations from the Promised Land; he keeps them there to test Israel's obedience.
3) The First Judge: Othniel goes to war and defeats the king of Mesopotamia.
Moab conquers Israel.
The Second Judge: Ehud, a left-handed man, attaches a sword to his right thigh and hides it under his clothes. He pays a visit to Eglon, king of Moab. 'Now Eglon was a very fat man.'
“I have a secret message for you, O king.” says Ehud. The king dismisses his attendants.
“I have a message from God for you.” And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.'
Ehud flees to the hills, where the anti-Moab rebels are waiting. He sounds the trumpet of war, and Israel marches on the Moabites, killing 10,000 of them.
The Third Judge: Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an oxgoad [a farming implement].
4) Canaan conquers Israel.
The Fourth Judge: Deborah, a prophetess, tells Barak to gather Israel's army at Tabor. She has a plan to ensure Israel's victory.
Sisera, general of Canaan's army, hears about Israel's army at Tabor. He readies for war. Israel attacks and destroys Sisera's army.
But Sisera escapes, and stays with Jael, his friend's wife.
“Turn aside, my lord; turn aside to me; do not be afraid.” she says. He comes in and rests; she covers him with a rug.
He asks for a drink; she gives him some milk. He wants to rest; he asks her not to tell anyone that he is here.
'But Jael the wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand. Then she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground while he was lying fast asleep from weariness. So he died.'
Barak comes along, and Jael shows him Sisera's body.
Israel conquers Canaan.
5) The Israelites sing a song to celebrate victory, which includes the verse:
'Most blessed of women be Jael,
the wife of Heber the Kenite,
of tent-dwelling women most blessed.
He asked for water and she gave him milk;
she brought him curds in a noble's bowl.
She sent her hand to the tent peg
and her right hand to the workmen's mallet;
she struck Sisera;
she crushed his head;
she shattered and pierced his temple.
Between her feet
he sank, he fell, he lay still;
between her feet
he sank, he fell;
where he sank,
there he fell—dead.'
1) The men of Judah and Simeon conquer more land, including Jerusalem and Gaza. They don't manage to conquer and destroy everything: the Canaanites survive and are kept as Israel's slaves.
(Hey, remember back in Genesis when drunken Noah curses his grandson Canaan, saying that his descendants should serve his brothers' descendants?)
2) The format of the book is explained:
Israel stops worshipping God, and starts worshipping foreign gods.
God gets angry and lets them get conquered. Different neighbouring kingdoms take turns conquering Israel.
God chooses heroes, the Judges, to lead Israel back to worshipping God.
After the judge dies, Israel returns to its evil ways and worships foreign gods.
All of this angers God, so he refuses to drive out all the nations from the Promised Land; he keeps them there to test Israel's obedience.
3) The First Judge: Othniel goes to war and defeats the king of Mesopotamia.
Moab conquers Israel.
The Second Judge: Ehud, a left-handed man, attaches a sword to his right thigh and hides it under his clothes. He pays a visit to Eglon, king of Moab. 'Now Eglon was a very fat man.'
“I have a secret message for you, O king.” says Ehud. The king dismisses his attendants.
“I have a message from God for you.” And Ehud reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.'
Ehud flees to the hills, where the anti-Moab rebels are waiting. He sounds the trumpet of war, and Israel marches on the Moabites, killing 10,000 of them.
The Third Judge: Shamgar kills 600 Philistines with an oxgoad [a farming implement].
4) Canaan conquers Israel.
The Fourth Judge: Deborah, a prophetess, tells Barak to gather Israel's army at Tabor. She has a plan to ensure Israel's victory.
Sisera, general of Canaan's army, hears about Israel's army at Tabor. He readies for war. Israel attacks and destroys Sisera's army.
But Sisera escapes, and stays with Jael, his friend's wife.
“Turn aside, my lord; turn aside to me; do not be afraid.” she says. He comes in and rests; she covers him with a rug.
He asks for a drink; she gives him some milk. He wants to rest; he asks her not to tell anyone that he is here.
'But Jael the wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand. Then she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground while he was lying fast asleep from weariness. So he died.'
Barak comes along, and Jael shows him Sisera's body.
Israel conquers Canaan.
5) The Israelites sing a song to celebrate victory, which includes the verse:
'Most blessed of women be Jael,
the wife of Heber the Kenite,
of tent-dwelling women most blessed.
He asked for water and she gave him milk;
she brought him curds in a noble's bowl.
She sent her hand to the tent peg
and her right hand to the workmen's mallet;
she struck Sisera;
she crushed his head;
she shattered and pierced his temple.
Between her feet
he sank, he fell, he lay still;
between her feet
he sank, he fell;
where he sank,
there he fell—dead.'
Sunday 3 August 2014
Hebrew Bible: Joshua
Previously: the Israelites arrived at the Jordan River, the border to the Promised Land. Moses died, and Joshua took command.
1) Joshua tells the Israelites to be ready to cross the river in three days.
2) Two spies are sent into the promised land. They go into the house of a prostitute named Rahab.
The king of Jericho hears about the spies, and sends men to find them them.
Rahab hides the spies and tells the king's men that they've already left. She then asks the spies to spare her family's lives when the land is conquered. The spies agree.
The spies leave, hide in the hills for three days, then return to the Israelites at the Jordan River.
3) It's time to cross the river.
They carry the Ark of the Covenant to the shallows of the river.
The Jordan River parts, Red-Sea-style (except that the water downriver of their crossing continues to flow; the upriver water builds up next to them).
The Israelites walk across the dry river bed.
4) Forty thousand Israelites, ready for war, cross the river. Twelve stones (one for each tribe) are placed in the middle of the river to commemorate the crossing. When the Ark of the Covenant is brought out, the flow resumes, and the river floods its banks.
5) The Israelites circumcise all the non-circumcised males amongst them, using flint knives. They rest for a few days while their penises heal, and celebrate Passover.
Joshua sees a man standing by the Jordan river. He asks whether he is friend or foe.
The man explains that he is the commander of God's army, and that Joshua really should take his sandals off because he's standing on holy ground.
Joshua takes his sandals off.
6) They arrive at Jericho. The city is shut, prepared for siege.
God tells Joshua that for the next six days all the men should march around the city once per day. On the seventh day, they should march around the city seven times and God will knock one of the city walls down.
Joshua tells the soldiers what should be done with the loot: "All silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.” Everything else must be destroyed.
They do all the marching around the city; God knocks down a city wall; they capture city and kill everything except Rahab's family.
'They devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.'
Then they burn the city down (after ensuring Rahab's family had got out).
7) But one of the soldiers took some prohibited loot from the city, and this made God angry.
Joshua sends about 3000 men to attack the city of Ai. They lose the fight; about 36 of them are killed, and flee back to the camp. Joshua becomes unhappy and asks God why they lost the fight.
God explains that someone took some loot that should have been destroyed with the city, and until that loot is destroyed God will not let the Israelites win their fights.
The next day, Joshua goes through each tribe asking if anyone took some prohibited loot from Jericho.
Achan confesses to taking a beautiful cloak, some silver and some gold.
Achan is stoned to death while being burned alive. (Overkill, IMHO)
8) God tells Joshua that everything is cool now, and that he should now attack Ai with all of his men.
Joshua tells 30,000 men to sneak round the city by night, and lie in ambush nearby.
The next morning, Joshua leads 5000 men to attack Ai.
The king of Ai sees the 5000 men and sends his troops out to defeat them. Joshua's 5000 pretend to be defeated, and flee further and further from the city. The army of Ai chases them, leaving the city open.
Joshua gives the signal to the hidden 30,000, who come out of hiding, capture the city and set it on fire.
The army of Ai looks back and is disheartened.
The king of Ai is taken alive. Everyone else is killed. This time, they decide to keep the livestock rather than kill it all.
The king of Ai is hung from a tree.
9) The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites of the Promised Land form an alliance against Israel.
The Gibeonites, on the other hand, decide to trick Israel.
They wear worn out clothes and sandals. They visit the Israelite camp pretending to be travellers from a distant land. Joshua makes a covenant of peace with them, agreeing to let them live, without first consulting with God to check if they are legit.
Three days later Joshua & Co. learn that they are inhabitants of the Promised Land, and that they have agreed not to destroy their cities. Much disappointment follows.
Joshua asks the Gibeonites why they lied, and they explain that they were scared for their lives. Joshua decides to let them live as servants.
10) The Last Alliance attacks Gibeon for joining Israel. Joshua & Co go to save Gibeon. God makes the Alliance's army panic and flee.
'The Lord threw down large stones from heaven on them as far as Azekah, and they died. There were more who died because of the hailstones than the sons of Israel killed with the sword."
Joshua commands the Sun and moon to stand still for dramatic effect; God makes it so.
The five Amorite kings are found hiding in cave.
'And when they brought those kings out to Joshua, Joshua summoned all the men of Israel and said to the chiefs of the men of war who had gone with him, “Come near; put your feet on the necks of these kings.” Then they came near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed; be strong and courageous. For thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.” And afterward Joshua struck them and put them to death, and he hanged them on five trees. And they hung on the trees until evening.'
Israel conquers Southern Canaan. 'He left none remaining, but devoted to destruction all that breathed, just as the Lord God of Israel commanded.'
11) The Last Alliance gathers by the waters of Merom. God tells Joshua not to be afraid.
The Israelites attack. 'And they struck them until he left none remaining. And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.'
Israel conquers more places, killing more people and animals, burning more cities, taking more loot.
12) A recap of the kingdoms defeated by Moses and Joshua
13-21) Joshua is quite old now. They haven't conquered the entirety of the Promised Land. He divides up the Promised Land between the tribes (including the as yet unconquered areas).
22) The tribes of Reuben, Gad and Manasseh return across the Jordan river, to the lands conquered by Moses. There they build an altar to God. This angers the tribes living in the promised land; they want some more killing.
But first, they decide to send some negotiators to ask 'wtf is going on?'
The tribes explain that they built the altar not as a substitute for the true altar of God in the promised land, but as a reminder of their faith. They had no intention of sacrificing to God on it. That would be silly.
The negotiators think that this is cool, so return home and calm everyone down.
23) Joshua gives an inspirational speech in which he reminds everyone that the Promised Land belongs to them; that they have to obey the Laws of Moses; that they shouldn't mingle with people of other nations, or mention any of their gods.
24) Joshua repeatedly reminds the Israelites to follow God alone. "He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins."
Joshua dies and is buried.
1) Joshua tells the Israelites to be ready to cross the river in three days.
2) Two spies are sent into the promised land. They go into the house of a prostitute named Rahab.
The king of Jericho hears about the spies, and sends men to find them them.
Rahab hides the spies and tells the king's men that they've already left. She then asks the spies to spare her family's lives when the land is conquered. The spies agree.
The spies leave, hide in the hills for three days, then return to the Israelites at the Jordan River.
3) It's time to cross the river.
They carry the Ark of the Covenant to the shallows of the river.
The Jordan River parts, Red-Sea-style (except that the water downriver of their crossing continues to flow; the upriver water builds up next to them).
The Israelites walk across the dry river bed.
4) Forty thousand Israelites, ready for war, cross the river. Twelve stones (one for each tribe) are placed in the middle of the river to commemorate the crossing. When the Ark of the Covenant is brought out, the flow resumes, and the river floods its banks.
5) The Israelites circumcise all the non-circumcised males amongst them, using flint knives. They rest for a few days while their penises heal, and celebrate Passover.
Joshua sees a man standing by the Jordan river. He asks whether he is friend or foe.
The man explains that he is the commander of God's army, and that Joshua really should take his sandals off because he's standing on holy ground.
Joshua takes his sandals off.
6) They arrive at Jericho. The city is shut, prepared for siege.
God tells Joshua that for the next six days all the men should march around the city once per day. On the seventh day, they should march around the city seven times and God will knock one of the city walls down.
Joshua tells the soldiers what should be done with the loot: "All silver and gold, and every vessel of bronze and iron, are holy to the Lord; they shall go into the treasury of the Lord.” Everything else must be destroyed.
They do all the marching around the city; God knocks down a city wall; they capture city and kill everything except Rahab's family.
'They devoted all in the city to destruction, both men and women, young and old, oxen, sheep, and donkeys, with the edge of the sword.'
Then they burn the city down (after ensuring Rahab's family had got out).
7) But one of the soldiers took some prohibited loot from the city, and this made God angry.
Joshua sends about 3000 men to attack the city of Ai. They lose the fight; about 36 of them are killed, and flee back to the camp. Joshua becomes unhappy and asks God why they lost the fight.
God explains that someone took some loot that should have been destroyed with the city, and until that loot is destroyed God will not let the Israelites win their fights.
The next day, Joshua goes through each tribe asking if anyone took some prohibited loot from Jericho.
Achan confesses to taking a beautiful cloak, some silver and some gold.
Achan is stoned to death while being burned alive. (Overkill, IMHO)
8) God tells Joshua that everything is cool now, and that he should now attack Ai with all of his men.
Joshua tells 30,000 men to sneak round the city by night, and lie in ambush nearby.
The next morning, Joshua leads 5000 men to attack Ai.
The king of Ai sees the 5000 men and sends his troops out to defeat them. Joshua's 5000 pretend to be defeated, and flee further and further from the city. The army of Ai chases them, leaving the city open.
Joshua gives the signal to the hidden 30,000, who come out of hiding, capture the city and set it on fire.
The army of Ai looks back and is disheartened.
The king of Ai is taken alive. Everyone else is killed. This time, they decide to keep the livestock rather than kill it all.
The king of Ai is hung from a tree.
9) The Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites of the Promised Land form an alliance against Israel.
The Gibeonites, on the other hand, decide to trick Israel.
They wear worn out clothes and sandals. They visit the Israelite camp pretending to be travellers from a distant land. Joshua makes a covenant of peace with them, agreeing to let them live, without first consulting with God to check if they are legit.
Three days later Joshua & Co. learn that they are inhabitants of the Promised Land, and that they have agreed not to destroy their cities. Much disappointment follows.
Joshua asks the Gibeonites why they lied, and they explain that they were scared for their lives. Joshua decides to let them live as servants.
10) The Last Alliance attacks Gibeon for joining Israel. Joshua & Co go to save Gibeon. God makes the Alliance's army panic and flee.
'The Lord threw down large stones from heaven on them as far as Azekah, and they died. There were more who died because of the hailstones than the sons of Israel killed with the sword."
Joshua commands the Sun and moon to stand still for dramatic effect; God makes it so.
The five Amorite kings are found hiding in cave.
'And when they brought those kings out to Joshua, Joshua summoned all the men of Israel and said to the chiefs of the men of war who had gone with him, “Come near; put your feet on the necks of these kings.” Then they came near and put their feet on their necks. And Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid or dismayed; be strong and courageous. For thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.” And afterward Joshua struck them and put them to death, and he hanged them on five trees. And they hung on the trees until evening.'
Israel conquers Southern Canaan. 'He left none remaining, but devoted to destruction all that breathed, just as the Lord God of Israel commanded.'
11) The Last Alliance gathers by the waters of Merom. God tells Joshua not to be afraid.
The Israelites attack. 'And they struck them until he left none remaining. And Joshua did to them just as the Lord said to him: he hamstrung their horses and burned their chariots with fire.'
Israel conquers more places, killing more people and animals, burning more cities, taking more loot.
12) A recap of the kingdoms defeated by Moses and Joshua
13-21) Joshua is quite old now. They haven't conquered the entirety of the Promised Land. He divides up the Promised Land between the tribes (including the as yet unconquered areas).
22) The tribes of Reuben, Gad and Manasseh return across the Jordan river, to the lands conquered by Moses. There they build an altar to God. This angers the tribes living in the promised land; they want some more killing.
But first, they decide to send some negotiators to ask 'wtf is going on?'
The tribes explain that they built the altar not as a substitute for the true altar of God in the promised land, but as a reminder of their faith. They had no intention of sacrificing to God on it. That would be silly.
The negotiators think that this is cool, so return home and calm everyone down.
23) Joshua gives an inspirational speech in which he reminds everyone that the Promised Land belongs to them; that they have to obey the Laws of Moses; that they shouldn't mingle with people of other nations, or mention any of their gods.
24) Joshua repeatedly reminds the Israelites to follow God alone. "He is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions or your sins."
Joshua dies and is buried.
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