(I originally wrote this on my personal Facebook wall in the run up to the 2014 European Parliament elections.)
I am worried about UKIP's popularity. I am worried that people are actually going to vote for them. I've thought for awhile that voting for UKIP was a bad idea, but was also aware of my own ignorance of the situation. I thought that there might be something other than lie-filled propaganda fuelling their popularity.
Not any more. I am now absolutely certain that voting UKIP is a really, really bad idea.
UKIP's MEPs have a track record of not turning up to work, and not voting in Britain's interests, despite being paid £60,000 per year to do so. Voting for UKIP is a vote for lazy, apathetic workers who don't turn up. The sort of workers who would get sacked very quickly. As an MEP, they can't get Britain out of the EU, and they don't even bother to make the EU better for Britain, presumably so they have more to complain about in their propaganda.
The EU allows us to travel, to study, to work, to settle anywhere within it. A lot of British people do this. EU immigration works both ways. Importing and exporting is made a lot easier. We are a country reliant on imports. Britain's position in the EU is better than that of many EU countries. We've kept the pound; we have greater control over our economy. We are one of the strongest countries within it. The benefits of EU membership vastly outweigh its costs. It is in Britain's interest to stay in the EU; it is in the EU's interest to keep us in it.
Sure, our position could be improved, and its the job of competent (i.e. not UKIP) MEP's to sort that out. MEPs that turn up to work.
UKIP clearly have their own sinister agenda. Their propaganda presents the idea of leaving an internationally agreed human rights convention as a good thing. WHO READS THAT WITHOUT ALARMS GOING OFF? Who reads that and thinks 'Too right; I don't want my government accountable for human rights abuses'? They focus on the right of prisoners to vote, and suggest that this is an awful thing, presumably hoping for an emotional reaction to the idea that murderers and rapists can vote. The right of prisoners to vote is a safeguard against political oppression. Take it away and a government can imprison its opponents and stay in power. Take it away and we could become a dictatorship very quickly. We might get angry at the idea of a murderer being able to vote, but I'd rather that than live under a dictatorship. It might be a fairly ineffectual safeguard, but I can see why it's there.
I'm worried about the rise of UKIP. I really hope it's just a phase.
I don't align myself with any political party; I don't know who I'll be voting for on 22nd May, only that it won't be UKIP or BNP.
After having wandered round a decent chunk of the world, I now get annoyed at the idea of not voting when we live in a country where we can actually change who makes the decisions. We might not be particularly fond of any of them, but we can choose the ones that we think are least shit.
Laos is a 'democratic republic' with one political party. And a midnight curfew.
Use your vote.
And for fuck's sake, don't vote UKIP.
Sunday 21 June 2015
Friday 19 June 2015
'Riddley Walker' by Russell Hoban
I have read a lot of science fiction, so it is becoming increasingly difficult to find science fiction novels that wow me like the genre once did. For the past few weeks I have been enjoying 'Riddley Walker' by Russell Hoban, which is the best SF novel I have read since February last year*. It has taken so long to read because the whole book is written in a made up version of English.
'How cud any 1 not want to get that shyning Power back from time back way back? How cud any 1 not want to be like them what had boats in the air and picters in the wind? How cud any 1 not want to see them shyning weals terning?'
Riddley Walker, the novel's eponymous narrator, lives an unspecified length of time in the future in post-apocalyptic Kent, where technology has regressed to Iron Age levels. Riddley tells us his story, records some of his people's folklore, and provides a copy of the one ancient text shared by the various tribes: 'The Eusa Story', which tells of how Eusa, with the aid of Mr Clevver, shrunk himself down and found a little man called Addom, who he accidentally split in half while interrogating to discover the secrets of the universe. 'The Eusa Story' is written in a more archaic dialect of fictional post-apocalyptic English:
'Owt uv that 2 peaces uv the Littl Shynin Man the Addom thayr cum shyningness in wayvs in spredin circels. Wivverin & wayverin & humin with a hy soun. Lytin up the dark wud... Bad Tym it wuz then. Peapl din no if they wud be alyv 1 day to the nex. Din even no if thayd be alyv 1 min tu the nex. Sum stuk tu gether sum din. Sum tyms thay dru lots. Sum got et so uthers cud liv. Cudn be shur of nuthing din no wut wuz sayf tu eat or drink & tryin tu keep wyd uv uther forajers & dogs it wuz nuthing onle Luck if enne 1 stayd alyv.'
'Riddley Walker' was first published in 1980, so it pre-dates textspeak and the internet. Perhaps the last few decades, with their lols and m8s and rofls, have detracted from the inventiveness of Hoban's Riddleyspeak. I think it shows that Hoban was extremely prescient: we have already seen English head in Riddley's direction. Hoban says in the afterword: 'Riddleyspeak is only a breaking down and twisting of standard English, so the reader who sounds out the words and uses a little imagination ought to be able to understand it. Technically it works well with the story because it slows the reader down to Riddley's rate of comprehension.' By forcing you to read it slowly, as you decipher the language, 'Riddley Walker' draws you into its world far more than the average post-apocalypse novel. Riddley's world seems hideously plausible.
'I said, 'You cunt.'
He said, 'Funny what peopl wil use for a hard word. The name of a pleasur thing and a place where new life comes out of. There ben times nor not too far back nyther when they use to offer to that same and very 1 what has her woom in Cambry. That same very Nite and Death we all come out of.'
I said, 'Dont you push words at me you rat cunt.''
Many of the words and phrases have double meanings: one of my favourite examples is 'sarvering gallack seas' for 'sovereign galaxies', but the tribespeople of Riddley's world imagine vast sky-seas, crossable on sky-ships, which are severing ('sarvering') them from the humans on other planets. The novel is highly regarded amongst People Who Read Lots.Will Self wrote the introduction to my edition, and David Mitchell wrote an appreciation in the Guardian. 'Riddley Walker' more than repays the effort spent in reading it. Read it. Read it. Read it.
*I read Karel Capek's 'War with the Newts' in February last year. It's a brilliantly bleak satire on colonialism, fascism and racism, made all the more bleak by the events that occurred after the novel's publication in 1936. ('War with the Newts' pokes fun at the Nazis for not liking Jews and being obsessed with racial superiority.) Capek stands next to Franz Kafka as one of the giants of twentieth century Czech literature.
Wednesday 17 June 2015
Rustam, the 'Persian Hercules'
I have nearly finished reading my mythology anthology. Having read so many myths over the past year, I think I have become a bit desensitised to how bonkers they often are. There are a lot of Badass Hero Myths; here's some of the story of Rustam, the 'Persian Hercules'.
Queen Rudabeh of Zabulistan was pregnant. When the time of the birth came near, the queen grew pale and shrieked and swooned. King Zal summoned the magic Simurgh bird, who explained that the baby was too large for a normal birth and instructed the king on how to perform a Caesarean section. On the day of his birth, Rustam was as big as a one-year-old. He was suckled by ten nurses and, once weaned, ate as much as five people. He was great at killing things; he was a badass.
Fast forward.
One day, King Kai Kaous of Iran, a friend of Rustam's, decided to conquer the Kingdom of Mazanderan. He led his soldiers there, plundered the land and laid waste its cities. The Sorcerer-King of Mazanderan summoned the White Demon, who captured Kai Kaous and his men.
Eventually, Rustam heard about this and was not pleased. He travelled to Mazanderan. In the capital city, Rustam decapitated Arzang, leader of Mazanderan's demon army, and released King Kaous and his men.
Rustam then mounted his trusty steed and galloped to the Seven Mountains, where the White Demon lived. Rustam fought the White Demon, cutting off some of it's limbs. At one point the demon gained the upper hand, grasping Rustam and crushing him until all his bones must surely break...
But then Ohrmazd (God) intervened, increasing Rustam's strength and stamina so that he was able to defeat the demon.
Demons dead, King Kaous wrote a letter to the Sorcerer-King of Mazanderan explaining that Rustam had killed the demons, and Mazanderan now belonged to him. The Sorcerer-King would not give up.
He sent his human army. Rustam uprooted a tree and threw it at the troops, killing many of them and terrifying the rest.
The Sorcerer-King summoned more demons to bolster his forces.
For seven days, the battle raged between the soldiers of Mazanderan and the soldiers of Iran. The screams of the demons, the shouts of the warriors, the clanging of the trumpets, the beating of the drums, the neighing of the horses, and the groans of the dying made the earth hideous with noise. The armies fought until it seemed like pity and mercy had both completely vanished from the world. The plain on which they fought turned into a lake of blood.
And then Rustam faced the Sorcerer-King one-on-one. Just as Rustam was about the kill him, the Sorcerer-King turned himself to stone to survive the fatal blow.
"Return to your true form or be shattered into pieces!" yelled Rustam.
The Sorcerer-King did so, and King Kaous promptly ordered that he be hacked into pieces.
After the execution, there was a massive party.
(Myths are often propagandistic: it is telling that the evil demon-summoning Sorcerer-King kept his prisoners alive, after they had invaded his country and laid its cities to waste...)
Queen Rudabeh of Zabulistan was pregnant. When the time of the birth came near, the queen grew pale and shrieked and swooned. King Zal summoned the magic Simurgh bird, who explained that the baby was too large for a normal birth and instructed the king on how to perform a Caesarean section. On the day of his birth, Rustam was as big as a one-year-old. He was suckled by ten nurses and, once weaned, ate as much as five people. He was great at killing things; he was a badass.
Fast forward.
One day, King Kai Kaous of Iran, a friend of Rustam's, decided to conquer the Kingdom of Mazanderan. He led his soldiers there, plundered the land and laid waste its cities. The Sorcerer-King of Mazanderan summoned the White Demon, who captured Kai Kaous and his men.
Eventually, Rustam heard about this and was not pleased. He travelled to Mazanderan. In the capital city, Rustam decapitated Arzang, leader of Mazanderan's demon army, and released King Kaous and his men.
Rustam then mounted his trusty steed and galloped to the Seven Mountains, where the White Demon lived. Rustam fought the White Demon, cutting off some of it's limbs. At one point the demon gained the upper hand, grasping Rustam and crushing him until all his bones must surely break...
But then Ohrmazd (God) intervened, increasing Rustam's strength and stamina so that he was able to defeat the demon.
Demons dead, King Kaous wrote a letter to the Sorcerer-King of Mazanderan explaining that Rustam had killed the demons, and Mazanderan now belonged to him. The Sorcerer-King would not give up.
He sent his human army. Rustam uprooted a tree and threw it at the troops, killing many of them and terrifying the rest.
The Sorcerer-King summoned more demons to bolster his forces.
For seven days, the battle raged between the soldiers of Mazanderan and the soldiers of Iran. The screams of the demons, the shouts of the warriors, the clanging of the trumpets, the beating of the drums, the neighing of the horses, and the groans of the dying made the earth hideous with noise. The armies fought until it seemed like pity and mercy had both completely vanished from the world. The plain on which they fought turned into a lake of blood.
And then Rustam faced the Sorcerer-King one-on-one. Just as Rustam was about the kill him, the Sorcerer-King turned himself to stone to survive the fatal blow.
"Return to your true form or be shattered into pieces!" yelled Rustam.
The Sorcerer-King did so, and King Kaous promptly ordered that he be hacked into pieces.
After the execution, there was a massive party.
(Myths are often propagandistic: it is telling that the evil demon-summoning Sorcerer-King kept his prisoners alive, after they had invaded his country and laid its cities to waste...)
Atrahasis
In Akkadian mythology, the Anunnaki, the greater gods, made humans because the Igigi, the lesser gods, had gone on strike and refused to continue working to provide the gods with food.
To make the humans, one of the Anunnaki was slaughtered; his flesh and blood was mixed with clay, and souls came forth in memory of the god. The humans were put to work tilling the ground to provide food for the gods (the food, of course, was collected by the gods from temples).
But the humans increased in numbers, and they were so noisy on earth. The gods were losing sleep over it. The god Ellil convinced the Anunnaki that a cull was needed. First they sent disease, then a drought. The people starved; they resorted to cannibalism.
But the god Ea was fond of humanity, and felt pity for them. He gave them fish to eat. This infuriated Ellil, who called for a great flood to wipe out humanity. Ea wanted some humans saved; he sneaked down to earth and told Atrahasis, his good and loyal servant who prayed regularly, to build a big boat to contain pairs of every animal.
Then the flood happened. Darkness covered the earth. Everyone not on Atrahasis' boat died. And the gods looked on the earth; they looked upon the floating corpses of men, women, children, and animals, and they wept for seven days.
The goddess Ninhursaga roused from her despair to shout at the divine assembly, asking why everyone had gone along with Ellil's crazy genocidal plan without properly thinking it through, why the assembly didn't discuss it properly, why they acted rashly not rationally. And the gods were ashamed of committing genocide just because the charismatic Ellil suggested it.
Then they spotted Atrahasis' boat, and Ea confessed to defying the will of the council to ensure that life survived. Then Ea and Ninhursaga thought of an alternative way to keep the human population down to a level which wouldn't interrupt the gods' sleep: they made it so that human babies would sometimes be stillborn, or unable to live long after birth.
This myth is from the 1600s B.C.
To make the humans, one of the Anunnaki was slaughtered; his flesh and blood was mixed with clay, and souls came forth in memory of the god. The humans were put to work tilling the ground to provide food for the gods (the food, of course, was collected by the gods from temples).
But the humans increased in numbers, and they were so noisy on earth. The gods were losing sleep over it. The god Ellil convinced the Anunnaki that a cull was needed. First they sent disease, then a drought. The people starved; they resorted to cannibalism.
But the god Ea was fond of humanity, and felt pity for them. He gave them fish to eat. This infuriated Ellil, who called for a great flood to wipe out humanity. Ea wanted some humans saved; he sneaked down to earth and told Atrahasis, his good and loyal servant who prayed regularly, to build a big boat to contain pairs of every animal.
Then the flood happened. Darkness covered the earth. Everyone not on Atrahasis' boat died. And the gods looked on the earth; they looked upon the floating corpses of men, women, children, and animals, and they wept for seven days.
The goddess Ninhursaga roused from her despair to shout at the divine assembly, asking why everyone had gone along with Ellil's crazy genocidal plan without properly thinking it through, why the assembly didn't discuss it properly, why they acted rashly not rationally. And the gods were ashamed of committing genocide just because the charismatic Ellil suggested it.
Then they spotted Atrahasis' boat, and Ea confessed to defying the will of the council to ensure that life survived. Then Ea and Ninhursaga thought of an alternative way to keep the human population down to a level which wouldn't interrupt the gods' sleep: they made it so that human babies would sometimes be stillborn, or unable to live long after birth.
This myth is from the 1600s B.C.
Egyptian Creations
Egyptian mythology has multiple creation myths, originating in the different tribal city-states that existed before being consolidated into the Kingdom of Egypt, and changing over time as their religion developed.
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING.
The oldest (c. 3000 B.C.E) comes from Heliopolis. In the beginning there was only the primeval waters of chaos that stretched out to infinity. Slowly, an island rose out of the waters: the cosmos. And on that island was the sun-god Atum.
Atum grasped his penis and pleasured himself. He spluttered out Shu (god of air) and spat out Tefnut (goddess of moisture). One day Shu and Tefnut wandered off to explore the Ocean of Chaos. Atum became very worried; he wept tears of joy when they returned, and from these tears humans were made. Shu and Tefnut worked together to create the other gods and establish the foundations of society.
One day the cosmos will return to ocean of chaos from whence it came.
By around 1500 B.C.E, Amun-Ra (a fusion of the gods Amun and Ra) had developed into the One True God; the other gods were manifestations of him. He existed before the cosmos rose out of chaos; he instigated creation; some say he created himself; others say he had never not existed.
In the 1300s B.C.E, Pharaoh Akhenaten wanted to take power away from the priests of Amun-Ra. He declared that Aten the sun-god was the actual One True God, and the other gods didn't exist. He created the first officially monotheist religion in recorded human history. But the transition from polytheism to monotheism is a difficult one - especially if you get rid of the old gods entirely, rather than keeping them as aspects/manifestations of the One True God - so Atenism didn't last. (In ancient Israel, the priests of Yahweh-Elohim had to make 'do not serve other gods' and 'do not worship idols' the first two commandments, prioritising monotheism over murder and theft.) Outside threats plunged Egypt into political chaos. After Akhenaten's death, the priests of Amun-Ra convinced his successor Tutankhaten (meaning 'living image of Aten') to undo the Atenist reforms and change his name to Tutankhamun ('living image of Amun').
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING.
The oldest (c. 3000 B.C.E) comes from Heliopolis. In the beginning there was only the primeval waters of chaos that stretched out to infinity. Slowly, an island rose out of the waters: the cosmos. And on that island was the sun-god Atum.
Atum grasped his penis and pleasured himself. He spluttered out Shu (god of air) and spat out Tefnut (goddess of moisture). One day Shu and Tefnut wandered off to explore the Ocean of Chaos. Atum became very worried; he wept tears of joy when they returned, and from these tears humans were made. Shu and Tefnut worked together to create the other gods and establish the foundations of society.
One day the cosmos will return to ocean of chaos from whence it came.
By around 1500 B.C.E, Amun-Ra (a fusion of the gods Amun and Ra) had developed into the One True God; the other gods were manifestations of him. He existed before the cosmos rose out of chaos; he instigated creation; some say he created himself; others say he had never not existed.
In the 1300s B.C.E, Pharaoh Akhenaten wanted to take power away from the priests of Amun-Ra. He declared that Aten the sun-god was the actual One True God, and the other gods didn't exist. He created the first officially monotheist religion in recorded human history. But the transition from polytheism to monotheism is a difficult one - especially if you get rid of the old gods entirely, rather than keeping them as aspects/manifestations of the One True God - so Atenism didn't last. (In ancient Israel, the priests of Yahweh-Elohim had to make 'do not serve other gods' and 'do not worship idols' the first two commandments, prioritising monotheism over murder and theft.) Outside threats plunged Egypt into political chaos. After Akhenaten's death, the priests of Amun-Ra convinced his successor Tutankhaten (meaning 'living image of Aten') to undo the Atenist reforms and change his name to Tutankhamun ('living image of Amun').
The Great Quarrel
Egyptian mythology is a bit... different. I present a condensed version of 'The Great Quarrel' story to illustrate this point.
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING.
In the old days, Osiris was king of the gods and ruler of earth. Isis was his queen. One day Isis' brother Seth killed Osiris to take the Divine Throne for himself. Osiris, now in the underworld, became the god of the dead. (One day, when his strength is renewed, he will return to the world of living, reclaim his throne and rule the earth.) Isis was pregnant with Osiris' child, Horus. She gave birth to him in secret, and left him to be raised by the people of marshes until he was old enough to claim his birthright: the throne of the gods.
When Horus was older, he appeared before the Ennead, the Divine Council, and asked to be king. The Ennead were divided: some thought Horus should be king, others thought Seth had been doing an alright job.
Seth argued that he was older, stronger and wiser than Horus, whose only argument was birthright. The Ennead couldn't decide. Seth grew angry because Isis was one of the Ennead, and she was obviously biased against him because he'd murdered her husband. He threatened to execute of the Ennead per day until Isis was removed from the council.
The Ennead agreed, so they kicked Isis out of the council, then broke for lunch. During the lunch-break, Isis transformed herself into a beautiful maiden and starting chatting with Seth.
"My husband was a shepherd, but he died and a stranger came and took all the cows which should belong to my son. Will you help me get them back?" said the disguised Isis.
"Of course! That's awful!" said Seth.
"Aha, dickhead! So you agree that Horus should be king!" Isis revealed her true form.
Seth stormed and off and told Ra what'd happened.
"That is well awkward lol," said Ra, "I guess we're gonna have to make Horus king now."
"NO! I know how we can settle this: HIPPO RACE!" declared Seth.
Seth and Horus transformed themselves into hippopotami and raced in the sea. Isis thought she should help her son out, so threw a harpoon into the water, but she hit Horus by accident. Horus screamed in agony. Isis recalled the harpoon and threw it again; this time she hit Seth, who screamed in agony. Realising she might kill her brother, Isis recalled her harpoon. Horus felt betrayed by this; he climbed out of the sea and decapitated his mother. Her body turned into a statue of flint. Horus ran away.
The Ennead decided to hunt Horus down. Seth found him and gouged out his eyes. Then another god found him and used gazelle milk to restore his eyes. Ra decided he'd had enough of this, so asked Horus and Seth to chill out and be friends until tomorrow. Seth invited Horus to his house for dinner.
That night, Seth raped Horus. But just before his climax, Horus managed to get Seth's penis out of him and catch the semen in his hands. Horus rushed to Isis (her head restored, she was no longer a statue of flint), who immediately cut his hands off and gave him a new pair. She asked Horus to ejaculate onto the lettuce which Seth would eat for breakfast; he did so.
The next day, Seth boasted to the divine council that he had raped Horus and so was obviously superior to him and should be made king. The Ennead all laughed at Horus. Horus laughed back at them and said: "Seth is lying; summon our semen and we'll see who raped who!"
They called forth Seth's semen; nothing happened. They called for Horus' semen; it climbed up from Seth's stomach and emerged from his head. The Ennead all laughed at Seth and declared that Horus should be king.
"NO! I know how we can settle this: BOAT CONTEST!" declared Seth.
Seth and Horus went outside and built a boat each to present before the Ennead. Horus' boat was made out of pine; it floated. Seth's boat was made out of stone; it sank. Seth got angry; he turned into a hippopotamus and destroyed Horus' boat.
Meanwhile, Thoth decided to send a letter to Osiris in the underworld to see what he thought about everything that had been going on. Osiris replied saying that Horus should be king, and if the Ennead refused he would unleash the armies of the underworld to slaughter their way through heaven and earth, leaving no gods alive.
The Ennead decided to make Horus king. And they all lived happily ever after...
Morality has come a long way in 4000 years.
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING.
In the old days, Osiris was king of the gods and ruler of earth. Isis was his queen. One day Isis' brother Seth killed Osiris to take the Divine Throne for himself. Osiris, now in the underworld, became the god of the dead. (One day, when his strength is renewed, he will return to the world of living, reclaim his throne and rule the earth.) Isis was pregnant with Osiris' child, Horus. She gave birth to him in secret, and left him to be raised by the people of marshes until he was old enough to claim his birthright: the throne of the gods.
When Horus was older, he appeared before the Ennead, the Divine Council, and asked to be king. The Ennead were divided: some thought Horus should be king, others thought Seth had been doing an alright job.
Seth argued that he was older, stronger and wiser than Horus, whose only argument was birthright. The Ennead couldn't decide. Seth grew angry because Isis was one of the Ennead, and she was obviously biased against him because he'd murdered her husband. He threatened to execute of the Ennead per day until Isis was removed from the council.
The Ennead agreed, so they kicked Isis out of the council, then broke for lunch. During the lunch-break, Isis transformed herself into a beautiful maiden and starting chatting with Seth.
"My husband was a shepherd, but he died and a stranger came and took all the cows which should belong to my son. Will you help me get them back?" said the disguised Isis.
"Of course! That's awful!" said Seth.
"Aha, dickhead! So you agree that Horus should be king!" Isis revealed her true form.
Seth stormed and off and told Ra what'd happened.
"That is well awkward lol," said Ra, "I guess we're gonna have to make Horus king now."
"NO! I know how we can settle this: HIPPO RACE!" declared Seth.
Seth and Horus transformed themselves into hippopotami and raced in the sea. Isis thought she should help her son out, so threw a harpoon into the water, but she hit Horus by accident. Horus screamed in agony. Isis recalled the harpoon and threw it again; this time she hit Seth, who screamed in agony. Realising she might kill her brother, Isis recalled her harpoon. Horus felt betrayed by this; he climbed out of the sea and decapitated his mother. Her body turned into a statue of flint. Horus ran away.
The Ennead decided to hunt Horus down. Seth found him and gouged out his eyes. Then another god found him and used gazelle milk to restore his eyes. Ra decided he'd had enough of this, so asked Horus and Seth to chill out and be friends until tomorrow. Seth invited Horus to his house for dinner.
That night, Seth raped Horus. But just before his climax, Horus managed to get Seth's penis out of him and catch the semen in his hands. Horus rushed to Isis (her head restored, she was no longer a statue of flint), who immediately cut his hands off and gave him a new pair. She asked Horus to ejaculate onto the lettuce which Seth would eat for breakfast; he did so.
The next day, Seth boasted to the divine council that he had raped Horus and so was obviously superior to him and should be made king. The Ennead all laughed at Horus. Horus laughed back at them and said: "Seth is lying; summon our semen and we'll see who raped who!"
They called forth Seth's semen; nothing happened. They called for Horus' semen; it climbed up from Seth's stomach and emerged from his head. The Ennead all laughed at Seth and declared that Horus should be king.
"NO! I know how we can settle this: BOAT CONTEST!" declared Seth.
Seth and Horus went outside and built a boat each to present before the Ennead. Horus' boat was made out of pine; it floated. Seth's boat was made out of stone; it sank. Seth got angry; he turned into a hippopotamus and destroyed Horus' boat.
Meanwhile, Thoth decided to send a letter to Osiris in the underworld to see what he thought about everything that had been going on. Osiris replied saying that Horus should be king, and if the Ennead refused he would unleash the armies of the underworld to slaughter their way through heaven and earth, leaving no gods alive.
The Ennead decided to make Horus king. And they all lived happily ever after...
Morality has come a long way in 4000 years.
Egyptian Wizards
Having watched some of 'The Mummy' last night, I thought I'd share a story about an Egyptian wizard. (I am only about a third of the way through my mythology anthology, but I doubt that anything is going to beat 'The Great Quarrel' story I shared earlier.) I have condensed it:
One day, a Nubian man walked into the Pharaoh's court and asked if anyone could read the contents of a sealed letter without opening it. If not, then Nubia would know that Egypt is weak.
The Pharaoh and his court were thrown into confusion; who could read a sealed letter? Pharaoh went home stressed. His son, Se-Osiris, asked what was the matter. Pharaoh explained the problem; Se-Osiris said that he could totes read a sealed letter.
The next day, Se-Osiris was presented before the Nubian man, and he read the sealed letter:
"The letter tells of a magical conflict between Egypt and Nubia. The king of Nubia asked Nubian Wizard to send magical creatures to Egypt to beat the shit out of the Pharaoh. Nubian Wizard made creatures out of wax and sent them off; they flew to Egypt and beat the shit out of the Pharaoh. The next day, the aching Pharaoh asked Egyptian Wizard to cast a protective spell on him.
(Both the Nubian and Egyptian wizards are called Horus, which is unnecessarily confusing.)
Nubian Wizard sent his creatures to Egypt again, but they returned home unsuccessful because they couldn't get past Egyptian Wizard's magical barrier. Pharaoh suggested that Egypt retaliates; Egyptian Wizard made creatures out of wax and sent them off to beat the shit out of the king of Nubia.
The king of Nubia was angry about this. He sent Nubian Wizard to Egypt on an all-out magical offensive. Nubian Wizard burst into the Egyptian court and started shooting fire everywhere.
Egyptian Wizard made it rain to put the fire out. Nubian Wizard summoned a mist so no one could see. Egyptian Wizard used wind to blow the mist away. Nubian Wizard summoned giant rocks in the air to fall and crush the Egyptians. Egyptian Wizard summoned a sky-boat (spaceship, definitely a spaceship) to destroy the falling rocks.
Nubian Wizard realised he was out of his depth; he turned himself invisible to flee. But Egyptian Wizard countered the invisibility spell and transformed him into a goose. Then he summoned a hunter who put a knife to the goose's throat.
Meanwhile, Nubian Wizard's mother's Dying-Offspring-Sense started tingling. She transformed herself into a goose and flew to Egypt to save her son.
Egyptian Wizard summoned another hunter who caught her and put a knife to her throat. She begged for her and her son's lives. Egyptian Wizard granted mercy, on condition that they promise never to return to Egypt. He summoned a sky-boat (spaceship, definitely a spaceship) for them and sent them on their way.
Is that not what the letter says?"
Nubian man: "Yes... umm... shit."
Se-Osiris: "And are you not Nubian Wizard? You have broken your promise and returned to Egypt, because you learnt that Egyptian Wizard had died?"
Nubian Wizard: "Yes... umm... how'd you know that?"
Se-Osiris: "BEHOLD, I AM EGYPTIAN WIZARD! News of your plan reached me in the netherworld, and I begged Osiris to let me return to the world of the living to protect Egypt, for there is none but me who could defeat you. Now: DIE!"
Se-Osiris/Egyptian Wizard incinerated Nubian Wizard. Egypt safe, Se-Osiris vanished. And the Pharaoh was sad that the boy he had raised as his son had gone without saying goodbye.
(Reading this, I was reminded of the wizard battle in the book of Exodus, with Moses & Aaron on one side taking turns using the magic staff Moses received from Yahweh. At first, the Egyptian wizards are unimpressed because they are capable of the same magic. It's only when Aaron uses the staff to make dust rise up and transform into flies do they realise that they might be out of their depth.
In the Bible's expanded universe, the Egyptian wizards are called Jannes and Jambres. They accompany the Pharaoh to the Red Sea after he changes his mind about letting the Israelites go. When the water crashes down on the Egyptians, J&J fly up to Heaven to battle the angels and try to save their people. Archangel Michael defeats them and throws them back to Earth, shattering their bodies. In other versions of the story, it is Archangel Metatron who defeats the wizards.)
One day, a Nubian man walked into the Pharaoh's court and asked if anyone could read the contents of a sealed letter without opening it. If not, then Nubia would know that Egypt is weak.
The Pharaoh and his court were thrown into confusion; who could read a sealed letter? Pharaoh went home stressed. His son, Se-Osiris, asked what was the matter. Pharaoh explained the problem; Se-Osiris said that he could totes read a sealed letter.
The next day, Se-Osiris was presented before the Nubian man, and he read the sealed letter:
"The letter tells of a magical conflict between Egypt and Nubia. The king of Nubia asked Nubian Wizard to send magical creatures to Egypt to beat the shit out of the Pharaoh. Nubian Wizard made creatures out of wax and sent them off; they flew to Egypt and beat the shit out of the Pharaoh. The next day, the aching Pharaoh asked Egyptian Wizard to cast a protective spell on him.
(Both the Nubian and Egyptian wizards are called Horus, which is unnecessarily confusing.)
Nubian Wizard sent his creatures to Egypt again, but they returned home unsuccessful because they couldn't get past Egyptian Wizard's magical barrier. Pharaoh suggested that Egypt retaliates; Egyptian Wizard made creatures out of wax and sent them off to beat the shit out of the king of Nubia.
The king of Nubia was angry about this. He sent Nubian Wizard to Egypt on an all-out magical offensive. Nubian Wizard burst into the Egyptian court and started shooting fire everywhere.
Egyptian Wizard made it rain to put the fire out. Nubian Wizard summoned a mist so no one could see. Egyptian Wizard used wind to blow the mist away. Nubian Wizard summoned giant rocks in the air to fall and crush the Egyptians. Egyptian Wizard summoned a sky-boat (spaceship, definitely a spaceship) to destroy the falling rocks.
Nubian Wizard realised he was out of his depth; he turned himself invisible to flee. But Egyptian Wizard countered the invisibility spell and transformed him into a goose. Then he summoned a hunter who put a knife to the goose's throat.
Meanwhile, Nubian Wizard's mother's Dying-Offspring-Sense started tingling. She transformed herself into a goose and flew to Egypt to save her son.
Egyptian Wizard summoned another hunter who caught her and put a knife to her throat. She begged for her and her son's lives. Egyptian Wizard granted mercy, on condition that they promise never to return to Egypt. He summoned a sky-boat (spaceship, definitely a spaceship) for them and sent them on their way.
Is that not what the letter says?"
Nubian man: "Yes... umm... shit."
Se-Osiris: "And are you not Nubian Wizard? You have broken your promise and returned to Egypt, because you learnt that Egyptian Wizard had died?"
Nubian Wizard: "Yes... umm... how'd you know that?"
Se-Osiris: "BEHOLD, I AM EGYPTIAN WIZARD! News of your plan reached me in the netherworld, and I begged Osiris to let me return to the world of the living to protect Egypt, for there is none but me who could defeat you. Now: DIE!"
Se-Osiris/Egyptian Wizard incinerated Nubian Wizard. Egypt safe, Se-Osiris vanished. And the Pharaoh was sad that the boy he had raised as his son had gone without saying goodbye.
(Reading this, I was reminded of the wizard battle in the book of Exodus, with Moses & Aaron on one side taking turns using the magic staff Moses received from Yahweh. At first, the Egyptian wizards are unimpressed because they are capable of the same magic. It's only when Aaron uses the staff to make dust rise up and transform into flies do they realise that they might be out of their depth.
In the Bible's expanded universe, the Egyptian wizards are called Jannes and Jambres. They accompany the Pharaoh to the Red Sea after he changes his mind about letting the Israelites go. When the water crashes down on the Egyptians, J&J fly up to Heaven to battle the angels and try to save their people. Archangel Michael defeats them and throws them back to Earth, shattering their bodies. In other versions of the story, it is Archangel Metatron who defeats the wizards.)
Teshub, King of Heaven
Hittite mythology. This is the story all about how Teshub the storm-god became king of Heaven.
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING (mythology is entertaining)
A long time ago, Alahu was king of Heaven, and Anu was his servant. After Alahu had reigned for nine years, Anu organised a military coup and declared himself king. Alahu fled to Earth. Kumarbi, Alahu's son, remained in Heaven.
After reigning for nine years, Anu became paranoid that Kumarbi would organise a military coup. Anu attacked Kumarbi, but couldn't endure Kumarbi's laser vision. Anu fled; Kumarbi caught him, tore off Anu's genitals and swallowed them.
Kumarbi laughed at the genitally-impaired Anu.
"I see that you are laughing for having swallowed my manhood. Don't be so ready to rejoice for what I have placed inside you will be a great burden to you!"
The ingested genitals released their semen.
"I have planted terrifying gods in your belly and they will cause you such agony that you will be driven to beat your head against the rocks of your own mountain!" Anu departed, hiding himself somewhere in Heaven.
Kumarbi tried to vomit up the semen and genitals, but with no success. He declared himself king.
Seven months later, Anu started telepathically communicating with the gods growing inside Kumarbi. He instructed them on how to break free. One of them burst out of Kumarbi's skull; the brain-damaged Kumarbi then tried to eat his child, thinking it might cure him, and had to be restrained.
Anu's parasitic offspring continued to burst out of Kumarbi; Teshub emerged last and killed Kumarbi.
Anu came out of hiding, and Teshub was declared king of Heaven.
I think we can all learn valuable moral lessons from this story.
SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING (mythology is entertaining)
A long time ago, Alahu was king of Heaven, and Anu was his servant. After Alahu had reigned for nine years, Anu organised a military coup and declared himself king. Alahu fled to Earth. Kumarbi, Alahu's son, remained in Heaven.
After reigning for nine years, Anu became paranoid that Kumarbi would organise a military coup. Anu attacked Kumarbi, but couldn't endure Kumarbi's laser vision. Anu fled; Kumarbi caught him, tore off Anu's genitals and swallowed them.
Kumarbi laughed at the genitally-impaired Anu.
"I see that you are laughing for having swallowed my manhood. Don't be so ready to rejoice for what I have placed inside you will be a great burden to you!"
The ingested genitals released their semen.
"I have planted terrifying gods in your belly and they will cause you such agony that you will be driven to beat your head against the rocks of your own mountain!" Anu departed, hiding himself somewhere in Heaven.
Kumarbi tried to vomit up the semen and genitals, but with no success. He declared himself king.
Seven months later, Anu started telepathically communicating with the gods growing inside Kumarbi. He instructed them on how to break free. One of them burst out of Kumarbi's skull; the brain-damaged Kumarbi then tried to eat his child, thinking it might cure him, and had to be restrained.
Anu's parasitic offspring continued to burst out of Kumarbi; Teshub emerged last and killed Kumarbi.
Anu came out of hiding, and Teshub was declared king of Heaven.
I think we can all learn valuable moral lessons from this story.
Baucis & Philemon
Phrygian/Greek/Roman flood myth.
ROMANTIC CONTENT WARNING.
Long ago, Jupiter/Zeus and Mercury/Hermes visited the land of Phrygia. Disguised as poor and weary travellers, they called at house after house, begging for food and lodging. All but one house turned them away.
Baucis and Philemon were a poor old couple happy to live within their means. They welcomed the gods into their small cottage, told them to put their feet up and rest; they served bacon, cabbage, fruits, pickles, relishes, eggs and milk. The conversation was cheerful. They all rested and drank wine before having the next course: nuts, figs, dates, plums, apples, honeycomb, and grapes. The couple noticed that the wine cups kept refilling themselves at their guests' commands; they were dining with gods.
"The wicked people of this region will receive the punishment they deserve but no harm shall come to this humble home. Come and follow us as we climb to the summit of this mountain," said Zeus.
B&P did as they were told; they struggled to the top of the mountain, leaning on their walking sticks. At the top, they looked back down. Only their humble home had not engulfed by water; everything else had been destroyed. They wept over the deaths of their friends. As they watched, their little cottage was transformed into a magnificent temple to the gods.
Zeus, speaking gently, asked: "Tell me, my good couple, what do you desire?"
The couple talked among themselves for a bit before Philemon answered: "We pray that you will allow us to look after your new temple and that, since we have lived so long together in harmony, we might leave this life together. Let us both die at the same hour. I do not wish to see the tomb of my dear wife and neither do I wish her to bury me."
Zeus assented, and for the rest of their lives they were the keepers of the temple. The years passed; Phrygia was repopulated. One day, standing outside their temple and speaking to a crowd, their skin started to harden and sprout leaves. They embraced, speaking to each other as long as they could, saying farewell until they were covered with leaves and branches. They became two trees, whose trunks and branches were entwined - two forms made into one.
Possible soundtrack:
ROMANTIC CONTENT WARNING.
Long ago, Jupiter/Zeus and Mercury/Hermes visited the land of Phrygia. Disguised as poor and weary travellers, they called at house after house, begging for food and lodging. All but one house turned them away.
Baucis and Philemon were a poor old couple happy to live within their means. They welcomed the gods into their small cottage, told them to put their feet up and rest; they served bacon, cabbage, fruits, pickles, relishes, eggs and milk. The conversation was cheerful. They all rested and drank wine before having the next course: nuts, figs, dates, plums, apples, honeycomb, and grapes. The couple noticed that the wine cups kept refilling themselves at their guests' commands; they were dining with gods.
"The wicked people of this region will receive the punishment they deserve but no harm shall come to this humble home. Come and follow us as we climb to the summit of this mountain," said Zeus.
B&P did as they were told; they struggled to the top of the mountain, leaning on their walking sticks. At the top, they looked back down. Only their humble home had not engulfed by water; everything else had been destroyed. They wept over the deaths of their friends. As they watched, their little cottage was transformed into a magnificent temple to the gods.
Zeus, speaking gently, asked: "Tell me, my good couple, what do you desire?"
The couple talked among themselves for a bit before Philemon answered: "We pray that you will allow us to look after your new temple and that, since we have lived so long together in harmony, we might leave this life together. Let us both die at the same hour. I do not wish to see the tomb of my dear wife and neither do I wish her to bury me."
Zeus assented, and for the rest of their lives they were the keepers of the temple. The years passed; Phrygia was repopulated. One day, standing outside their temple and speaking to a crowd, their skin started to harden and sprout leaves. They embraced, speaking to each other as long as they could, saying farewell until they were covered with leaves and branches. They became two trees, whose trunks and branches were entwined - two forms made into one.
Possible soundtrack:
Holy Trilogy: Conclusion
I have finished reading the Holy Trilogy (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an). Achievement Unlocked!
It has taken me slightly less than a year, and during that time I have been figuring out where I stand on religious matters. This seems a good time to stop binge-reading books about religion and summarise the current state of my opinions.
I am, in a sense, deeply religious. I am addicted to the mystical experience, the feeling of being one with the universe in all its complexity and majesty, of 'lying on the bosom of the infinite world'*, and seeing everything aflame with radiance and significance. Throughout human history, this experience has variously been interpreted as a connection to the gods, God, Nirvana, Dao, etc. In the ancient world, I might have been a priest, a prophet, or a monk. Alas, modernity has saved me from that fate.
Having come from a science (and science fiction) background, traditional religious imagery is extremely unsatisfying. The 'miracles' are often underwhelming; the cosmologies are crass and tacky. While reading the Holy Trilogy, I was constantly reminded of Arthur C. Clarke's The City and the Stars:
'Throughout the earlier part of its history, the human race had brought forth an endless succession of prophets, seers, messiahs, and evangelists who convinced themselves and their followers that to them alone were the secrets of the universe revealed. Some of them succeeded in establishing religions which survived for many generations and influenced billions of men; others were forgotten even before their deaths.
The rise of science, which with monotonous regularity refuted the cosmologies of the prophets and produced miracles which they could never match, eventually destroyed all these faiths. It did not destroy the awe, nor the reverence and humility, which all intelligent beings felt as they contemplated the stupendous universe in which they found themselves. What it did weaken, and finally obliterate, were the countless religions each of which claimed with unbelievable arrogance, that it was the sole repository of the truth and that its millions of rivals and predecessors were all mistaken.'
I have grown quite fond of some branches of theology, but their 'God' is so different to the usual view that, to avoid confusion, I would prefer not to use the word 'God'. Most people have never heard of Paul Tillich, let alone Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite. Sometimes I think of myself as an 'independent mystic'.
'God' is usually imagined as a divine tyrant, 'Heaven's awful monarch'**, who watches everything, wiretaps your thoughts, rewards those who think how he wants and do what he wants, punishes those who do not, and occasionally interferes with human history by helping out his homies or giving messages to arbitrarily chosen prophets who pass the message to the masses. The tyrant's earthly servants/slaves/sheep/flock do his bidding (whether good or evil), censor criticism, vilify doubters, and punish apostates with social exclusion or death.
This is a nightmarish idea. How would one choose any particular religion when they all claim divine inspiration, and their adherents all claim to Just Know? Am I to pick the religion as I was nominally raised in, and hope that since I was born into a first world country, I was also born into the One True Faith? What if I haven't passed the tyrant's test? What if I haven't been nice enough? What if the tyrant actually meant for his followers to obey all the awful stuff in the sacred text? What if I have been too nice?
It feels cheap to ridicule this idea, because it is so ridiculous.
I am happy to call myself a humanist. I believe that humans have the capacity to instil their lives with meaning and choose good over evil. I do not believe in an afterlife. I find writings about accepting death and the finitude of our existence more consoling and inspiring than any afterlife wankery. If there is an afterlife, it will be a pleasant surprise (unless the Wahhabi Muslims were right all along!), but I'm not getting my hopes up. Let's make the most of the one life we know we have.
Too much religion is characterised by dishonesty, dogmatism, and doublethink. There is so much awful stuff in the sacred texts. I have become, in a sense, deeply anti-religious. Perhaps we need a new synthesis, combining humanist values and reasoned enquiry with the best aspects of the traditional religions, to produce something which can, without hypocrisy, move with the times, doing away with the barbaric, the bigoted, and the bonkers.
*Friedrich Schleiermacher, 'On Religion: Speeches to its Cultured Despisers'
**Angel Gabriel, 'Paradise Lost', Book IV
It has taken me slightly less than a year, and during that time I have been figuring out where I stand on religious matters. This seems a good time to stop binge-reading books about religion and summarise the current state of my opinions.
I am, in a sense, deeply religious. I am addicted to the mystical experience, the feeling of being one with the universe in all its complexity and majesty, of 'lying on the bosom of the infinite world'*, and seeing everything aflame with radiance and significance. Throughout human history, this experience has variously been interpreted as a connection to the gods, God, Nirvana, Dao, etc. In the ancient world, I might have been a priest, a prophet, or a monk. Alas, modernity has saved me from that fate.
Having come from a science (and science fiction) background, traditional religious imagery is extremely unsatisfying. The 'miracles' are often underwhelming; the cosmologies are crass and tacky. While reading the Holy Trilogy, I was constantly reminded of Arthur C. Clarke's The City and the Stars:
'Throughout the earlier part of its history, the human race had brought forth an endless succession of prophets, seers, messiahs, and evangelists who convinced themselves and their followers that to them alone were the secrets of the universe revealed. Some of them succeeded in establishing religions which survived for many generations and influenced billions of men; others were forgotten even before their deaths.
The rise of science, which with monotonous regularity refuted the cosmologies of the prophets and produced miracles which they could never match, eventually destroyed all these faiths. It did not destroy the awe, nor the reverence and humility, which all intelligent beings felt as they contemplated the stupendous universe in which they found themselves. What it did weaken, and finally obliterate, were the countless religions each of which claimed with unbelievable arrogance, that it was the sole repository of the truth and that its millions of rivals and predecessors were all mistaken.'
I have grown quite fond of some branches of theology, but their 'God' is so different to the usual view that, to avoid confusion, I would prefer not to use the word 'God'. Most people have never heard of Paul Tillich, let alone Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite. Sometimes I think of myself as an 'independent mystic'.
'God' is usually imagined as a divine tyrant, 'Heaven's awful monarch'**, who watches everything, wiretaps your thoughts, rewards those who think how he wants and do what he wants, punishes those who do not, and occasionally interferes with human history by helping out his homies or giving messages to arbitrarily chosen prophets who pass the message to the masses. The tyrant's earthly servants/slaves/sheep/flock do his bidding (whether good or evil), censor criticism, vilify doubters, and punish apostates with social exclusion or death.
This is a nightmarish idea. How would one choose any particular religion when they all claim divine inspiration, and their adherents all claim to Just Know? Am I to pick the religion as I was nominally raised in, and hope that since I was born into a first world country, I was also born into the One True Faith? What if I haven't passed the tyrant's test? What if I haven't been nice enough? What if the tyrant actually meant for his followers to obey all the awful stuff in the sacred text? What if I have been too nice?
It feels cheap to ridicule this idea, because it is so ridiculous.
I am happy to call myself a humanist. I believe that humans have the capacity to instil their lives with meaning and choose good over evil. I do not believe in an afterlife. I find writings about accepting death and the finitude of our existence more consoling and inspiring than any afterlife wankery. If there is an afterlife, it will be a pleasant surprise (unless the Wahhabi Muslims were right all along!), but I'm not getting my hopes up. Let's make the most of the one life we know we have.
Too much religion is characterised by dishonesty, dogmatism, and doublethink. There is so much awful stuff in the sacred texts. I have become, in a sense, deeply anti-religious. Perhaps we need a new synthesis, combining humanist values and reasoned enquiry with the best aspects of the traditional religions, to produce something which can, without hypocrisy, move with the times, doing away with the barbaric, the bigoted, and the bonkers.
*Friedrich Schleiermacher, 'On Religion: Speeches to its Cultured Despisers'
**Angel Gabriel, 'Paradise Lost', Book IV
New Testament: Conclusion
I have finished reading the New Testament. Achievement Unlocked!
The New Testament is very disappointing. I was not expecting to dislike it as much as I do. It is aesthetically inferior to its prequel, the Old Testament, but presents a better ethical code. It reminds me of the Qur'an.
The Qur'an and the New Testament are very similar. Both are laughably unimpressive; both contain occasional good lines which are drowning in drivel. Both obsess over the end of the world (any day now); their ethical codes are both based on keeping your spirit pure for Judgement Day. Both talk about eternal damnation a lot.
The New Testament is mostly pacifist: punishment is postponed until Judgement Day or the afterlife. The Qur'an permits violence as a defensive measure (when Defence Mode is activated, you are allowed to slaughter your enemies), and advocates corporal punishment for certain crimes. The Qur'an advocates religious pluralism; the New Testament makes it extremely clear that Christianity is the One True Faith.
The Qur'an has a very simply message: God sends prophets to people and wants them to do good things; he will punish and reward them for what they have done.
The New Testament is more convoluted: God requires bloodshed in order to forgive sins, and animal sacrifices aren't powerful enough to get rid of sin entirely, so God sent a willing human sacrifice to be the ultimate blood sacrifice in order to forgive everyone's sins (except blasphemy, which is unforgivable), as long as they get in on that human sacrifice action. If they are unwilling to get in on that sacrifice, perhaps because they don't believe that forgiveness requires bloodshed, then God will torture them literally forever, no matter how they behave and how much good they do. God judges first and foremost about whether they have acknowledged the magic human sacrifice.
This is so disgustingly barbaric that it genuinely makes me feel sick. The New Testament has become my least favourite of the Holy Trilogy (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an).
There is another problem with the New Testament: it comes with the Old Testament. It annoys me that the superior testament is reduced to a mere prequel. The Old Testament is like the TV series 'Friends'; the New Testament is like the short-lived spin-off 'Joey'. Imagine if 'Joey' got a dedicated fanbase who decided that 'Friends' was always just a prequel to 'Joey'. (The Qur'an is like a low budget Arabic reboot of 'Joey', with a far simpler story.)
In the New Testament, God is supposed to be loving and benevolent, and not responsible for evil. That's what the devil does. In the Old Testament, God is responsible for both good and evil, and he boasts about it. Jews take monotheism seriously; God would have just destroyed any rebel angels. The combination of the two, the good God in conflict with the devil and the good-bad God who condones genocide, has made Christianity such a dangerous religion throughout history. Whenever it was politically expedient, Christianity could become morally worthless. Some branches of Christianity have fully acknowledged this and decided that there's no such thing as good and evil: just do whatever God wants so you can get into heaven, whether that's giving to the poor or executing children.
I was not expecting to dislike the New Testament as much as I do.
The New Testament is very disappointing. I was not expecting to dislike it as much as I do. It is aesthetically inferior to its prequel, the Old Testament, but presents a better ethical code. It reminds me of the Qur'an.
The Qur'an and the New Testament are very similar. Both are laughably unimpressive; both contain occasional good lines which are drowning in drivel. Both obsess over the end of the world (any day now); their ethical codes are both based on keeping your spirit pure for Judgement Day. Both talk about eternal damnation a lot.
The New Testament is mostly pacifist: punishment is postponed until Judgement Day or the afterlife. The Qur'an permits violence as a defensive measure (when Defence Mode is activated, you are allowed to slaughter your enemies), and advocates corporal punishment for certain crimes. The Qur'an advocates religious pluralism; the New Testament makes it extremely clear that Christianity is the One True Faith.
The Qur'an has a very simply message: God sends prophets to people and wants them to do good things; he will punish and reward them for what they have done.
The New Testament is more convoluted: God requires bloodshed in order to forgive sins, and animal sacrifices aren't powerful enough to get rid of sin entirely, so God sent a willing human sacrifice to be the ultimate blood sacrifice in order to forgive everyone's sins (except blasphemy, which is unforgivable), as long as they get in on that human sacrifice action. If they are unwilling to get in on that sacrifice, perhaps because they don't believe that forgiveness requires bloodshed, then God will torture them literally forever, no matter how they behave and how much good they do. God judges first and foremost about whether they have acknowledged the magic human sacrifice.
This is so disgustingly barbaric that it genuinely makes me feel sick. The New Testament has become my least favourite of the Holy Trilogy (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an).
There is another problem with the New Testament: it comes with the Old Testament. It annoys me that the superior testament is reduced to a mere prequel. The Old Testament is like the TV series 'Friends'; the New Testament is like the short-lived spin-off 'Joey'. Imagine if 'Joey' got a dedicated fanbase who decided that 'Friends' was always just a prequel to 'Joey'. (The Qur'an is like a low budget Arabic reboot of 'Joey', with a far simpler story.)
In the New Testament, God is supposed to be loving and benevolent, and not responsible for evil. That's what the devil does. In the Old Testament, God is responsible for both good and evil, and he boasts about it. Jews take monotheism seriously; God would have just destroyed any rebel angels. The combination of the two, the good God in conflict with the devil and the good-bad God who condones genocide, has made Christianity such a dangerous religion throughout history. Whenever it was politically expedient, Christianity could become morally worthless. Some branches of Christianity have fully acknowledged this and decided that there's no such thing as good and evil: just do whatever God wants so you can get into heaven, whether that's giving to the poor or executing children.
I was not expecting to dislike the New Testament as much as I do.
New Testament: The Gospel of John
'The Gospel of John' is the best New Testament book. It is the work of multiple authors and editors. Most of it was completed no earlier than the 90s CE, although a few bits were added in the Middle Ages. It is the best gospel, but also the most divorced from the historical Jesus.
John's Jesus - unlike Mark's, Matthew's, or Luke's - goes around telling everyone that he is the Messiah and one with God. The other Jesuses keep their Messianic status a secret, and do not claim to be one with God. Rather than performing myriad underwhelming miracles, John's Jesus performs seven impressive miracles. In John, Jesus gets many of his best lines.
Sadly, 'The Gospel of John' is still a disappointment: nowhere does it reach the majesty attained by the best parts of the Hebrew Bible. Given how unimpressive the rest of the New Testament has been, at this stage I would recommend an alternative to reading the canonical New Testament:
'Paradise Lost', 'Paradise Regained', and 'The Gospel of John'.
This trilogy decreases in quality as it progresses ('Paradise Lost' is the shit; 'Paradise Regained' has its moments but feels like a money grabbing sequel; 'The Gospel of John' is OK), but is infinitely better than the canonical New Testament, with all its tedious epistles.
Still to read: 'Ephesians', 'Revelations', 'Jude', '1 John', '2 John', '3 John', '2 Thessalonians', '1 Peter', '1 Timothy', '2 Timothy', 'Titus', and '2 Peter'.
John's Jesus - unlike Mark's, Matthew's, or Luke's - goes around telling everyone that he is the Messiah and one with God. The other Jesuses keep their Messianic status a secret, and do not claim to be one with God. Rather than performing myriad underwhelming miracles, John's Jesus performs seven impressive miracles. In John, Jesus gets many of his best lines.
Sadly, 'The Gospel of John' is still a disappointment: nowhere does it reach the majesty attained by the best parts of the Hebrew Bible. Given how unimpressive the rest of the New Testament has been, at this stage I would recommend an alternative to reading the canonical New Testament:
'Paradise Lost', 'Paradise Regained', and 'The Gospel of John'.
This trilogy decreases in quality as it progresses ('Paradise Lost' is the shit; 'Paradise Regained' has its moments but feels like a money grabbing sequel; 'The Gospel of John' is OK), but is infinitely better than the canonical New Testament, with all its tedious epistles.
Still to read: 'Ephesians', 'Revelations', 'Jude', '1 John', '2 John', '3 John', '2 Thessalonians', '1 Peter', '1 Timothy', '2 Timothy', 'Titus', and '2 Peter'.
New Testament: Hebrews
Jesus Died For Our Sins. At no point in any R.E. lesson did I learn how a man being tortured and executed was supposed to bring about salvation. The Epistle to the Hebrews explains the mechanism behind how execution eliminates sin:
In the olden days, Old Testament times, God granted forgiveness in exchange for animal sacrifices. The priests had a good thing going for them: they got to eat the sacrifices. Good way of getting free grub.
"Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins."
Forgiveness requires blood sacrifice. Thems the rules. However, animal sacrifices weren't good enough. Animal blood isn't very good at washing away sins; there was always some left over; there was always need for more dead animals.
"But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sins every year. For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins."
Along came Jesus, the Ultimate Sacrifice, who willingly sacrificed himself to get rid of sin. His holy blood was so powerful that it is capable of washing away all sins (except blasphemy, oddly enough) if you are willing to acknowledge and get in on that human sacrifice action.
"But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins... For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified... He entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption... For the bodies of those animals whose blood is brought into the holy places by the high priest as a sacrifice for sin are burned outside the camp. So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood... We have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all."
In the olden days, God sealed his covenant with Moses with the blood of many dead animals. When the people broke that covenant, God got quite angry and went on killing sprees. But the new covenant has been sealed with Jesus' magic blood, not ordinary animal blood. If God reacted with killing sprees when that covenant was broken...
"How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?"
They will, of course, be tortured literally forever.
"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
God is insecure about whether he exists, so will not reward people who consider this extremely unlikely. Even if they do good for goodness' sake, rather than for God's sake.
"Without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."
All this talk of blood sacrifice has made me feel queasy. I am getting quite impatient with the New Testament. I feel like I'm reading the Qur'an again. Pages and pages of crap: sometimes I spot a semi-precious gem, but on reflection it usually turns out to be a sweetcorn kernel. Presently, I am unsure whether I find the Qur'an or the New Testament more unimpressive. If they weren't widely regarded as being written by a deity, I would have given up on them very quickly. I think my disappointment with the New Testament is enhanced by how much I like (maybe even love) its prequel. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) is amazeballs.
I'll be reading the Gospel of John next, which is widely regarded as the best New Testament book.
In the olden days, Old Testament times, God granted forgiveness in exchange for animal sacrifices. The priests had a good thing going for them: they got to eat the sacrifices. Good way of getting free grub.
"Indeed, under the law almost everything is purified with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins."
Forgiveness requires blood sacrifice. Thems the rules. However, animal sacrifices weren't good enough. Animal blood isn't very good at washing away sins; there was always some left over; there was always need for more dead animals.
"But in these sacrifices there is a reminder of sins every year. For it is impossible for the blood of bulls and goats to take away sins."
Along came Jesus, the Ultimate Sacrifice, who willingly sacrificed himself to get rid of sin. His holy blood was so powerful that it is capable of washing away all sins (except blasphemy, oddly enough) if you are willing to acknowledge and get in on that human sacrifice action.
"But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins... For by a single offering he has perfected for all time those who are being sanctified... He entered once for all into the holy places, not by means of the blood of goats and calves but by means of his own blood, thus securing an eternal redemption... For the bodies of those animals whose blood is brought into the holy places by the high priest as a sacrifice for sin are burned outside the camp. So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood... We have been sanctified through the offering of the body of Jesus Christ once for all."
In the olden days, God sealed his covenant with Moses with the blood of many dead animals. When the people broke that covenant, God got quite angry and went on killing sprees. But the new covenant has been sealed with Jesus' magic blood, not ordinary animal blood. If God reacted with killing sprees when that covenant was broken...
"How much worse punishment, do you think, will be deserved by the one who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has profaned the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has outraged the Spirit of grace?"
They will, of course, be tortured literally forever.
"Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
God is insecure about whether he exists, so will not reward people who consider this extremely unlikely. Even if they do good for goodness' sake, rather than for God's sake.
"Without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him."
All this talk of blood sacrifice has made me feel queasy. I am getting quite impatient with the New Testament. I feel like I'm reading the Qur'an again. Pages and pages of crap: sometimes I spot a semi-precious gem, but on reflection it usually turns out to be a sweetcorn kernel. Presently, I am unsure whether I find the Qur'an or the New Testament more unimpressive. If they weren't widely regarded as being written by a deity, I would have given up on them very quickly. I think my disappointment with the New Testament is enhanced by how much I like (maybe even love) its prequel. The Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) is amazeballs.
I'll be reading the Gospel of John next, which is widely regarded as the best New Testament book.
New Testament: The Synoptic Gospels
Time to finish off my approximate chronological reading of the New Testament. To recap:
First, I read the authentic letters of Paul, which he wrote between 50-58 CE. He explains that God had chosen him as the apostle to the Gentiles (non-Jews), to preach the good news that Jesus had put an end to the Law of Moses, that the world is gonna end any day now, and that anyone who accepts Jesus' resurrection gains eternal life.
Then I read the Gospel of Mark, written ~70 CE. Mark's Jesus is a wild anarchist who wanders around Judea performing underwhelming miracles, drowning pigs, cursing trees, neglecting basic hygiene, preaching parables, and warning people that the world is gonna end any day now.
The authorities decide to arrest Mark's Jesus after he and his gang smash up the stalls in the Jerusalem Temple. Judas betrays him with a kiss; Jesus is crucified and three days later his female disciples find his tomb empty. An angel tells them not to worry: Jesus has resurrected. They run off screaming. (Some years later, Mark's resurrection narrative was extended, so Jesus actually meets with his disciples and tells them to preach the news to the world.)
Then I read the Gospel of Matthew, written in the 80s CE. Around this time, the Jewish Christians were competing with the Pharisees (who became the Rabbis, the leaders of Judaism to this day) and the Pauline Christians (who based their beliefs on the teachings of Paul, see above) over who was the true Israel.
Matthew emphasizes Jesus' Jewishness. Matthew's Jesus forbids his disciples from preaching to Gentiles and declares that he is definitely not here to abolish the Law of Moses. He rants about the Pharisees and warns his followers that there will be a lot of fake Christians who think he has come to abolish the law, but they are totally going to hell.
Matthew's gospel is clunky and irritating. The author is obsessed with prophecy fulfilment. He embellished Mark's narrative, adding an infancy narrative and making the miracles more impressive.
Yesterday I read the Gospel of Luke, also written in the 80s CE. Luke's Jesus is the most likeable so far. He is a wild altruist; he is far more peaceful than Mark's or Matthew's. This is more what I was expecting. The author of Luke was a Pauline Christian who wrote a Gentile-friendly gospel. Luke's Jesus preaches to non-Jews, and is all about social justice.
The author of Luke did a better job of embellishing Mark's narrative. He added more detailed infancy and resurrection narratives, and focused on making Jesus a more likeable, rather than more magical, character. Luke made the wise decision to omit the parts where Jesus neglects basic hygiene and shouts at a tree, because these episodes do not present us with a positive view of Jesus' mental health. Luke's Jesus does not smash up the temple stalls.
Interestingly, Luke decided to change Jesus' last words on the cross from "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” to "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." He also omitted Jesus' inarticulate scream which follows his last words in both Mark and Matthew.
'The Gospel of Luke' is the best of the three 'Synoptic Gospels' (the gospels which tell roughly the same story, although with many differences).
Next: 'The Acts of the Apostles'
First, I read the authentic letters of Paul, which he wrote between 50-58 CE. He explains that God had chosen him as the apostle to the Gentiles (non-Jews), to preach the good news that Jesus had put an end to the Law of Moses, that the world is gonna end any day now, and that anyone who accepts Jesus' resurrection gains eternal life.
Then I read the Gospel of Mark, written ~70 CE. Mark's Jesus is a wild anarchist who wanders around Judea performing underwhelming miracles, drowning pigs, cursing trees, neglecting basic hygiene, preaching parables, and warning people that the world is gonna end any day now.
The authorities decide to arrest Mark's Jesus after he and his gang smash up the stalls in the Jerusalem Temple. Judas betrays him with a kiss; Jesus is crucified and three days later his female disciples find his tomb empty. An angel tells them not to worry: Jesus has resurrected. They run off screaming. (Some years later, Mark's resurrection narrative was extended, so Jesus actually meets with his disciples and tells them to preach the news to the world.)
Then I read the Gospel of Matthew, written in the 80s CE. Around this time, the Jewish Christians were competing with the Pharisees (who became the Rabbis, the leaders of Judaism to this day) and the Pauline Christians (who based their beliefs on the teachings of Paul, see above) over who was the true Israel.
Matthew emphasizes Jesus' Jewishness. Matthew's Jesus forbids his disciples from preaching to Gentiles and declares that he is definitely not here to abolish the Law of Moses. He rants about the Pharisees and warns his followers that there will be a lot of fake Christians who think he has come to abolish the law, but they are totally going to hell.
Matthew's gospel is clunky and irritating. The author is obsessed with prophecy fulfilment. He embellished Mark's narrative, adding an infancy narrative and making the miracles more impressive.
Yesterday I read the Gospel of Luke, also written in the 80s CE. Luke's Jesus is the most likeable so far. He is a wild altruist; he is far more peaceful than Mark's or Matthew's. This is more what I was expecting. The author of Luke was a Pauline Christian who wrote a Gentile-friendly gospel. Luke's Jesus preaches to non-Jews, and is all about social justice.
The author of Luke did a better job of embellishing Mark's narrative. He added more detailed infancy and resurrection narratives, and focused on making Jesus a more likeable, rather than more magical, character. Luke made the wise decision to omit the parts where Jesus neglects basic hygiene and shouts at a tree, because these episodes do not present us with a positive view of Jesus' mental health. Luke's Jesus does not smash up the temple stalls.
Interestingly, Luke decided to change Jesus' last words on the cross from "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” to "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." He also omitted Jesus' inarticulate scream which follows his last words in both Mark and Matthew.
'The Gospel of Luke' is the best of the three 'Synoptic Gospels' (the gospels which tell roughly the same story, although with many differences).
Next: 'The Acts of the Apostles'
Hebrew Bible: Conclusion
I have finished reading the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). Achievement Unlocked!
I am very fond of the Hebrew Bible. It certainly puts the Qur'an to shame (admittedly, that is not difficult). I would read a lot of it again. Maybe in a decade or so I will splash out on a different translation. I am a fan of the Hebrew Bible.
I enjoyed it on two levels:
Firstly, I enjoyed it as a grimdark fantasy saga about a bumbling deity who loses control of his creation and desperately tries to make his favourite people worship him. For sheer brutality and variety, the Hebrew Bible puts our modern epics to shame. The stories feature battles, assassinations, talking animals, gang rape, political subterfuge, ghosts, infanticide, an army of the undead, human sacrifice, genocide, cannibalism, giant monsters, slavery, fiery serpents, torture, wizards, house parties, and much more.
However, the stories are not set in a very consistent universe. Even the first two chapters contradict each other; they were written in different centuries. There is a lot of repetition (God gets angry a lot), and a lot of filler (lists of names, rules, measurements, etc), which detracts from the enjoyment and can make the reading experience quite tiresome.
Secondly, I enjoyed it as an anthology of ancient books trying to make sense of the world. It gives a monotheist twist to the popular illogic 'We don't know X, therefore magic.' Other mythologies attribute life's vicissitudes to the conflicting interests of rival gods; the biblical authors had no such luxury. Everything was attributed to the mood swings of Israel's one god; they made him responsible for famine, disease, fertility, drought, bountiful harvests, military victory and defeat, chronic diarrhoea, wild animals going on killing sprees, etc. The Hebrew God is responsible for both good and evil; the Hebrew Satan is one of God's servants.
The books of the Hebrew Bible express a wide range of emotions - sorrow and fear and rage and love and grief and hate and joy and lust and hope (so much hope) - each commingled with the awe and reverence felt when contemplating the mere fact of our existence in a universe whose complexity and majesty exceeds our possible comprehension. The Hebrew Bible is sometimes appallingly barbaric, and sometimes shockingly beautiful.
It is perhaps premature to reach this conclusion (I have not yet finished the New Testament), but I'm going to say that the Hebrew Bible is the least moral but most inspiring of the 'Holy Trilogy' (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an). The Hebrew Bible has had a massive influence on our culture; I would recommend reading it. If you can't be bothered with the full thing (which is very understandable), two of the books are literary masterpieces which you should read for their own sake: 'The Book of Job' and 'Ecclesiastes'. At least read one of these!
('Ecclesiastes' is the shorter of the two.)
I am very fond of the Hebrew Bible. It certainly puts the Qur'an to shame (admittedly, that is not difficult). I would read a lot of it again. Maybe in a decade or so I will splash out on a different translation. I am a fan of the Hebrew Bible.
I enjoyed it on two levels:
Firstly, I enjoyed it as a grimdark fantasy saga about a bumbling deity who loses control of his creation and desperately tries to make his favourite people worship him. For sheer brutality and variety, the Hebrew Bible puts our modern epics to shame. The stories feature battles, assassinations, talking animals, gang rape, political subterfuge, ghosts, infanticide, an army of the undead, human sacrifice, genocide, cannibalism, giant monsters, slavery, fiery serpents, torture, wizards, house parties, and much more.
However, the stories are not set in a very consistent universe. Even the first two chapters contradict each other; they were written in different centuries. There is a lot of repetition (God gets angry a lot), and a lot of filler (lists of names, rules, measurements, etc), which detracts from the enjoyment and can make the reading experience quite tiresome.
Secondly, I enjoyed it as an anthology of ancient books trying to make sense of the world. It gives a monotheist twist to the popular illogic 'We don't know X, therefore magic.' Other mythologies attribute life's vicissitudes to the conflicting interests of rival gods; the biblical authors had no such luxury. Everything was attributed to the mood swings of Israel's one god; they made him responsible for famine, disease, fertility, drought, bountiful harvests, military victory and defeat, chronic diarrhoea, wild animals going on killing sprees, etc. The Hebrew God is responsible for both good and evil; the Hebrew Satan is one of God's servants.
The books of the Hebrew Bible express a wide range of emotions - sorrow and fear and rage and love and grief and hate and joy and lust and hope (so much hope) - each commingled with the awe and reverence felt when contemplating the mere fact of our existence in a universe whose complexity and majesty exceeds our possible comprehension. The Hebrew Bible is sometimes appallingly barbaric, and sometimes shockingly beautiful.
It is perhaps premature to reach this conclusion (I have not yet finished the New Testament), but I'm going to say that the Hebrew Bible is the least moral but most inspiring of the 'Holy Trilogy' (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an). The Hebrew Bible has had a massive influence on our culture; I would recommend reading it. If you can't be bothered with the full thing (which is very understandable), two of the books are literary masterpieces which you should read for their own sake: 'The Book of Job' and 'Ecclesiastes'. At least read one of these!
('Ecclesiastes' is the shorter of the two.)
Qur'an: Conclusion
I have finished reading the Qur'an. Achievement Unlocked!
Concluding Islam post. It was my intention that these posts presented a reasonably balanced view of Islam: I did not want to come across as either an Islamophile or Islamophobe.
I think it's fairly obvious that Muhammad was insane, but the Qur'an is nowhere near as barbaric or bigoted as I was expecting. As sacred texts go, the Qur'an is almost shockingly benign. It lacks the extreme barbarism of the Old Testament and the arrogant exclusivism of the New Testament.
The Qur'an advocates neither genocide nor genital mutilation. Violence is only to be used for defence; turning the other cheek isn't helpful when people are coming to kill your children. Muhammad does not say that Islam needs to be spread across the world (Mark 16:16, Matthew 28:19), that people of other faiths are withered branches to be gathered up and burned (John 15:6), or that he's been sent to fuck shit up (Matthew 10:34-36).
The Qur'an is, however, really boring. As a collection of speeches, there's very little development. The tone gets darker in his later speeches, as Muhammad went from street preacher to statesman to warlord, but overall it is tedious drivel. It is arguably the most moral and progressive of the 'Holy Trilogy' (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an), but it is the least entertaining or inspiring. If we imagine God as the author of all three, I can't help but think that he'd ran out of ideas and only did the Qur'an to complete his book contract. I'm sure the Arabic poetry is lovely.
Like the Western world, the Muslim world is not monolithic: there are myriad sects and interpretations of Islam. It is unhelpful to think of our current situation as a war between Islam and the West. It is a civil war within Islam, between different extremist groups (Sunni vs Shia, Wahhabist vs everyone, Jihadist vs everyone), that now affects all of civilisation. This is not a clash of civilisations, but a clash for civilisation itself. We cannot afford to group all Muslims with the fundamentalists or the extremists; those of us who share common goals - peace, equality, justice, etc - must work together against the toxic branches of Islam that threaten us all.
It is often said that Islam, unlike Judaism or Christianity, has not had a reformation. Modernity has been thrust on Islam; the Islamic reformation is happening right now. Reformations always involve violence: certain groups will cling to the present or retreat to an idealised past rather than look to the future. During the Jewish reformation, Jerusalem was levelled and thousands of Jews were killed. The Christian reformation culminated in the Thirty Years War, one of the darkest periods in human history. We need to be on the side of reform, on the side of civilisation, in the struggle to come. Reform is a step towards secularism.
I conclude with the words of one of my personal heroes, Olaf Stapledon, writing in the 1930s, having survived the First World War and soon to see its sequel:
'The whole planet, the whole rock-grain, with its busy swarms, I now saw as an arena where two cosmical antagonists, two spirits, were already preparing for a critical struggle, already assuming terrestrial and local guise, and coming to grips in our half-awakened minds.
One antagonist appeared as the will to dare for the sake of the new, the longed for, the reasonable and joyful, world, in which every man and woman may have scope to live fully, and live in service of mankind. The other seemed essentially the myopic fear of the unknown; or was it more sinister? Was it the cunning will for private mastery, which fomented for its own ends the archaic, reason-hating, and vindictive, passion of the tribe.'
Concluding Islam post. It was my intention that these posts presented a reasonably balanced view of Islam: I did not want to come across as either an Islamophile or Islamophobe.
I think it's fairly obvious that Muhammad was insane, but the Qur'an is nowhere near as barbaric or bigoted as I was expecting. As sacred texts go, the Qur'an is almost shockingly benign. It lacks the extreme barbarism of the Old Testament and the arrogant exclusivism of the New Testament.
The Qur'an advocates neither genocide nor genital mutilation. Violence is only to be used for defence; turning the other cheek isn't helpful when people are coming to kill your children. Muhammad does not say that Islam needs to be spread across the world (Mark 16:16, Matthew 28:19), that people of other faiths are withered branches to be gathered up and burned (John 15:6), or that he's been sent to fuck shit up (Matthew 10:34-36).
The Qur'an is, however, really boring. As a collection of speeches, there's very little development. The tone gets darker in his later speeches, as Muhammad went from street preacher to statesman to warlord, but overall it is tedious drivel. It is arguably the most moral and progressive of the 'Holy Trilogy' (Hebrew Bible; New Testament; Qur'an), but it is the least entertaining or inspiring. If we imagine God as the author of all three, I can't help but think that he'd ran out of ideas and only did the Qur'an to complete his book contract. I'm sure the Arabic poetry is lovely.
Like the Western world, the Muslim world is not monolithic: there are myriad sects and interpretations of Islam. It is unhelpful to think of our current situation as a war between Islam and the West. It is a civil war within Islam, between different extremist groups (Sunni vs Shia, Wahhabist vs everyone, Jihadist vs everyone), that now affects all of civilisation. This is not a clash of civilisations, but a clash for civilisation itself. We cannot afford to group all Muslims with the fundamentalists or the extremists; those of us who share common goals - peace, equality, justice, etc - must work together against the toxic branches of Islam that threaten us all.
It is often said that Islam, unlike Judaism or Christianity, has not had a reformation. Modernity has been thrust on Islam; the Islamic reformation is happening right now. Reformations always involve violence: certain groups will cling to the present or retreat to an idealised past rather than look to the future. During the Jewish reformation, Jerusalem was levelled and thousands of Jews were killed. The Christian reformation culminated in the Thirty Years War, one of the darkest periods in human history. We need to be on the side of reform, on the side of civilisation, in the struggle to come. Reform is a step towards secularism.
I conclude with the words of one of my personal heroes, Olaf Stapledon, writing in the 1930s, having survived the First World War and soon to see its sequel:
'The whole planet, the whole rock-grain, with its busy swarms, I now saw as an arena where two cosmical antagonists, two spirits, were already preparing for a critical struggle, already assuming terrestrial and local guise, and coming to grips in our half-awakened minds.
One antagonist appeared as the will to dare for the sake of the new, the longed for, the reasonable and joyful, world, in which every man and woman may have scope to live fully, and live in service of mankind. The other seemed essentially the myopic fear of the unknown; or was it more sinister? Was it the cunning will for private mastery, which fomented for its own ends the archaic, reason-hating, and vindictive, passion of the tribe.'
Qur'an: Muhammad vs Lucretius
The Angry Warlord Verses only lasted twenty pages, so Muhammad is back to his usual drivel: warning humans and invisible fire-spirits about the imminent apocalypse.
Imagine a series of 'Doctor Who' in which the Roman poet Lucretius (who died around 55 BCE) becomes one of the Doctor's companions, and they travel to 7th century Arabia. The Doctor goes off to investigate something and leaves Lucretius to have a wander. At length, he finds Muhammad doing some of his preaching. I expect the encounter would go something like this:
MUHAMMAD: O tribes of jinn and men, were you not visited by messengers from among you, narrating to you My revelations and warning you of arriving at a Day like this? Join the company of nations that passed before you, Jinn and humans, heading for the fire!
LUCRETIUS: If men saw that a term was set to their troubles, they would find strength in some way to withstand the hocus-pocus and intimidations of the prophets. As it is, they have no power of resistance, because they are haunted by the fear of eternal punishment after death. They know nothing of the nature of the spirit. Many a time before now men have betrayed their country and their beloved parents in an effort to escape the halls of Hell. This dread and darkness of the mind can only dispelled by an understanding of the outward form and inner workings of nature.
MUHAMMAD: Those who call lies to our revelations or are too proud to accept them - the gates of heaven shall not open before them. Thus do we requite evildoers. In hell they shall make their beds, above them are sheets of fire. Thus do We requite wrongdoers. They who fondly embrace this present life in preference to the hereafter, these are plunged in deep error.
LUCRETIUS: The mind, which we often call the intellect, is part of a man, no less than hand or foot or eye. There is also a vital spirit in our limbs. The mind and spirit are interconnected. The mind is the seat of intellect; the rest of the vital spirit, diffused throughout the body, obeys the mind and moves under its direction and impulse. Mind and spirit are both composed of matter. We see them propelling the limbs, rousing the body from sleep, changing the expression of the face and guiding and steering the whole man - activities that all clearly involve touch, and touch in turn involves matter.
MUHAMMAD: For those who do not believe in the hereafter, We have made their deeds appear attractive in their sight, so they stumble aimlessly in error. It is they whom an evil torment awaits, who shall be the greatest losers in the hereafter.
LUCRETIUS: How can we deny their material nature? You see the mind sharing in the body's experiences and sympathising with it. The substance of the mind must be material, since it is affected by the impact of material weapons. Furthermore, as the body suffers the horrors of disease and the pangs of pain, so we see the mind stabbed with anguish, grief and fear. What more natural than that it should likewise have a share in death? Since the mind is thus invaded by the contagion of disease, you must acknowledge that it is destructible, for pain and sickness are the artificers of death.
MUHAMMAD: The angel of death, entrusted with you, shall cause you to die and then to your Lord you shall be returned. If only you could see the sinners that Day, their heads bowed before their Lord. Had We wished, We could have granted each soul its right guidance. But My decree is binding: I shall fill Hell with both jinn and humans.
LUCRETIUS: Conversely, we see that the mind, like a sick body, can be healed and directed by medicine. This too is presage that life is mortal. When you embark on an attempt to alter the mind or to direct any other natural object, it is fair to suppose that you are adding certain parts or transposing them or subtracting some trifle at any rate from their sum. But an immortal object will not let its parts be rearranged or added to, or the least bit drop off. For, if ever anything is so transformed as to overstep its own limits, this means the immediate death of what was before. By this susceptibility both to sickness and to medicine, the mind displays marks of mortality. So false reasoning is plainly confronted by true fact.
MUHAMMAD: As for those who argue about the revelations of God, no authority having come to them - there is nothing in their hearts save a pride which they can never satisfy. Seek refuge in God.
LUCRETIUS: Mind and body as a living force derive their vigour and vitality from their conjunction. Without body, the mind alone cannot perform the vital motions. Bereft of spirit, the body cannot persist and exercise its senses. As the eye uprooted and separated from the body cannot see, so we perceive that the spirit and mind by themselves are powerless. It is only because their atoms are held in by the whole body, intermingled through veins and flesh, sinews and bones, that they are kept together so as to perform the motions that generate sentience.
MUHAMMAD: A Day shall come when the enemies of God shall be herded into the Fire, all held in tight order. We shall force the blasphemers to taste a grievous torment, and shall requite them for the worst of their deeds. Such shall be the reward of God's enemies: the Fire, which to them shall be the Abode of Eternity, as a reward for repudiating Our revelations. Those who argue against Our revelations know there is no escape for them. For all that you have been granted is but a fleeting enjoyment in this present life, but what is with God is better and more lasting.
LUCRETIUS: No one on the point of death seems to feel his spirit retiring intact right out of his body. If our mind were indeed immortal, it would not complain of extinction in the hour of death, but would feel rather that it was escaping from confinement and sloughing off its garments like a snake. From all this it follows that death is nothing to us and no concern of ours, since our tenure of the mind is mortal. When we shall be no more - when the union of body and spirit that engenders us has been disrupted - to us, who shall then be nothing, nothing by any hazard will happen any more at all.
MUHAMMAD: Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter. Your Lord, All-Forgiving, Abounding in mercy - were He to hold them to account for what they earned, He would hasten torment upon them!
LUCRETIUS: If the future holds travail and anguish in store, the self must be in existence, when that time comes, in order to experience it. But from this fate we are redeemed by death, which denies existence to the self that might have suffered these tribulations. Rest assured, therefore, that we have nothing to fear in death. One who no longer is cannot suffer, or differ in any way from one who has never been born, when once this mortal life is ended. In sleep, when mind and body alike are at rest, no one misses himself or sighs for life. If such sleep were prolonged to eternity, no longing for ourselves would trouble us. Death, therefore, must be regarded, so far as we are concerned, as having much less existence than sleep, if anything can have less existence than what we perceive to be nothing.
MUHAMMAD: The unbelievers shall be herded into Hell, in order that God may be distinguish the depraved from the pure. He shall heap the depraved one upon the other, piling them all up, and deliver that pile to Hell. These are truly the losers.
LUCRETIUS: The old is always thrust aside to make way for the new, and one thing must be built out of the wreck of another. There is no murky pit of Hell awaiting anyone. There is need of matter, so that later generations may arise; when they have lived out their span, they will follow you. Bygone generations have taken your road, and those to come will take it no less. So one thing will never cease to spring from another. To none is life given in freehold; to all on lease. Look back at the eternity that passed before we were born, and mark how utterly it counts to us as nothing. This is a mirror that Nature holds up to us, in which we may see the time that shall be after we are dead. Is there anything terrifying in the sight - anything depressing - anything that is not more restful than the soundest sleep?
MUHAMMAD: Fight those who do not believe in God or the Last Day, who do not hold illicit what God and His Messenger hold illicit, and who do not follow the religion of truth from among those given the Book, until they offer up tribute, by hand, in humble mien. Fight them so that there will be no discord and the whole of religion belongs to God.
LUCRETIUS: Often it is religion that is the mother of sinful and impious deeds. At Aulis, the altar of the Virgin Goddess was foully stained with the blood of an innocent girl, slaughtered so that a fleet might sail under happy auspices. Such are the heights of wickedness to which men are driven by religion.
MUHAMMAD: You are never to pray over any of them who dies, nor stand over his grave, for they disbelieved in God and His Messenger, and died as sinners. They are indeed a pollution; their final place of rest is Hell, in recompense for what they earned. You did not slay them; it was God who slew them.
(THE DOCTOR enters)
DOCTOR: Luc, we've got to get back to the TARDIS. Some Pyroviles survived the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and hid away in Arabia. They've been planning something terrible, experimenting on human minds, but I don't know what. They're all wearing invisibility cloaks; we don't know where they are.
(turning to Muhammad)
Who's this guy?
LUCRETIUS: A crazy prophet going on about the end of the world, people being gathered up and burned. I was just explaining to him about the mind and spirit; what was it you called them?
DOCTOR: Brain and nervous system.
LUCRETIUS: Yeah, he didn't seem very impressed.
DOCTOR: That's it! The Pyroviles are going to burn up the planet and take whoever they can as willing slaves! Back to the TARDIS, now!
(THE DOCTOR and LUCRETIUS exit; slowly zoom in on Muhammad's face.)
MUHAMMAD: When the earth quakes - a shattering quake!
When the sky disintegrates,
When the earth is crushed, pounded, pulverised,
When the stars are strewn,
When heaven shall be opened,
When hell-fire is kindled,
When the earth is distended,
When the stars are erased,
When the mountains are obliterated
When the seas are made to erupt,
When the Trumpet is blown
When the great Cataclysm overwhelms,
To your Lord that Day is the journey's end.
On this Day the faithful are laughing at the unbelievers,
Upon couches, watching.
(cut to TO BE CONTINUED; credits roll)
Imagine a series of 'Doctor Who' in which the Roman poet Lucretius (who died around 55 BCE) becomes one of the Doctor's companions, and they travel to 7th century Arabia. The Doctor goes off to investigate something and leaves Lucretius to have a wander. At length, he finds Muhammad doing some of his preaching. I expect the encounter would go something like this:
MUHAMMAD: O tribes of jinn and men, were you not visited by messengers from among you, narrating to you My revelations and warning you of arriving at a Day like this? Join the company of nations that passed before you, Jinn and humans, heading for the fire!
LUCRETIUS: If men saw that a term was set to their troubles, they would find strength in some way to withstand the hocus-pocus and intimidations of the prophets. As it is, they have no power of resistance, because they are haunted by the fear of eternal punishment after death. They know nothing of the nature of the spirit. Many a time before now men have betrayed their country and their beloved parents in an effort to escape the halls of Hell. This dread and darkness of the mind can only dispelled by an understanding of the outward form and inner workings of nature.
MUHAMMAD: Those who call lies to our revelations or are too proud to accept them - the gates of heaven shall not open before them. Thus do we requite evildoers. In hell they shall make their beds, above them are sheets of fire. Thus do We requite wrongdoers. They who fondly embrace this present life in preference to the hereafter, these are plunged in deep error.
LUCRETIUS: The mind, which we often call the intellect, is part of a man, no less than hand or foot or eye. There is also a vital spirit in our limbs. The mind and spirit are interconnected. The mind is the seat of intellect; the rest of the vital spirit, diffused throughout the body, obeys the mind and moves under its direction and impulse. Mind and spirit are both composed of matter. We see them propelling the limbs, rousing the body from sleep, changing the expression of the face and guiding and steering the whole man - activities that all clearly involve touch, and touch in turn involves matter.
MUHAMMAD: For those who do not believe in the hereafter, We have made their deeds appear attractive in their sight, so they stumble aimlessly in error. It is they whom an evil torment awaits, who shall be the greatest losers in the hereafter.
LUCRETIUS: How can we deny their material nature? You see the mind sharing in the body's experiences and sympathising with it. The substance of the mind must be material, since it is affected by the impact of material weapons. Furthermore, as the body suffers the horrors of disease and the pangs of pain, so we see the mind stabbed with anguish, grief and fear. What more natural than that it should likewise have a share in death? Since the mind is thus invaded by the contagion of disease, you must acknowledge that it is destructible, for pain and sickness are the artificers of death.
MUHAMMAD: The angel of death, entrusted with you, shall cause you to die and then to your Lord you shall be returned. If only you could see the sinners that Day, their heads bowed before their Lord. Had We wished, We could have granted each soul its right guidance. But My decree is binding: I shall fill Hell with both jinn and humans.
LUCRETIUS: Conversely, we see that the mind, like a sick body, can be healed and directed by medicine. This too is presage that life is mortal. When you embark on an attempt to alter the mind or to direct any other natural object, it is fair to suppose that you are adding certain parts or transposing them or subtracting some trifle at any rate from their sum. But an immortal object will not let its parts be rearranged or added to, or the least bit drop off. For, if ever anything is so transformed as to overstep its own limits, this means the immediate death of what was before. By this susceptibility both to sickness and to medicine, the mind displays marks of mortality. So false reasoning is plainly confronted by true fact.
MUHAMMAD: As for those who argue about the revelations of God, no authority having come to them - there is nothing in their hearts save a pride which they can never satisfy. Seek refuge in God.
LUCRETIUS: Mind and body as a living force derive their vigour and vitality from their conjunction. Without body, the mind alone cannot perform the vital motions. Bereft of spirit, the body cannot persist and exercise its senses. As the eye uprooted and separated from the body cannot see, so we perceive that the spirit and mind by themselves are powerless. It is only because their atoms are held in by the whole body, intermingled through veins and flesh, sinews and bones, that they are kept together so as to perform the motions that generate sentience.
MUHAMMAD: A Day shall come when the enemies of God shall be herded into the Fire, all held in tight order. We shall force the blasphemers to taste a grievous torment, and shall requite them for the worst of their deeds. Such shall be the reward of God's enemies: the Fire, which to them shall be the Abode of Eternity, as a reward for repudiating Our revelations. Those who argue against Our revelations know there is no escape for them. For all that you have been granted is but a fleeting enjoyment in this present life, but what is with God is better and more lasting.
LUCRETIUS: No one on the point of death seems to feel his spirit retiring intact right out of his body. If our mind were indeed immortal, it would not complain of extinction in the hour of death, but would feel rather that it was escaping from confinement and sloughing off its garments like a snake. From all this it follows that death is nothing to us and no concern of ours, since our tenure of the mind is mortal. When we shall be no more - when the union of body and spirit that engenders us has been disrupted - to us, who shall then be nothing, nothing by any hazard will happen any more at all.
MUHAMMAD: Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter. Your Lord, All-Forgiving, Abounding in mercy - were He to hold them to account for what they earned, He would hasten torment upon them!
LUCRETIUS: If the future holds travail and anguish in store, the self must be in existence, when that time comes, in order to experience it. But from this fate we are redeemed by death, which denies existence to the self that might have suffered these tribulations. Rest assured, therefore, that we have nothing to fear in death. One who no longer is cannot suffer, or differ in any way from one who has never been born, when once this mortal life is ended. In sleep, when mind and body alike are at rest, no one misses himself or sighs for life. If such sleep were prolonged to eternity, no longing for ourselves would trouble us. Death, therefore, must be regarded, so far as we are concerned, as having much less existence than sleep, if anything can have less existence than what we perceive to be nothing.
MUHAMMAD: The unbelievers shall be herded into Hell, in order that God may be distinguish the depraved from the pure. He shall heap the depraved one upon the other, piling them all up, and deliver that pile to Hell. These are truly the losers.
LUCRETIUS: The old is always thrust aside to make way for the new, and one thing must be built out of the wreck of another. There is no murky pit of Hell awaiting anyone. There is need of matter, so that later generations may arise; when they have lived out their span, they will follow you. Bygone generations have taken your road, and those to come will take it no less. So one thing will never cease to spring from another. To none is life given in freehold; to all on lease. Look back at the eternity that passed before we were born, and mark how utterly it counts to us as nothing. This is a mirror that Nature holds up to us, in which we may see the time that shall be after we are dead. Is there anything terrifying in the sight - anything depressing - anything that is not more restful than the soundest sleep?
MUHAMMAD: Fight those who do not believe in God or the Last Day, who do not hold illicit what God and His Messenger hold illicit, and who do not follow the religion of truth from among those given the Book, until they offer up tribute, by hand, in humble mien. Fight them so that there will be no discord and the whole of religion belongs to God.
LUCRETIUS: Often it is religion that is the mother of sinful and impious deeds. At Aulis, the altar of the Virgin Goddess was foully stained with the blood of an innocent girl, slaughtered so that a fleet might sail under happy auspices. Such are the heights of wickedness to which men are driven by religion.
MUHAMMAD: You are never to pray over any of them who dies, nor stand over his grave, for they disbelieved in God and His Messenger, and died as sinners. They are indeed a pollution; their final place of rest is Hell, in recompense for what they earned. You did not slay them; it was God who slew them.
(THE DOCTOR enters)
DOCTOR: Luc, we've got to get back to the TARDIS. Some Pyroviles survived the eruption of Mount Vesuvius and hid away in Arabia. They've been planning something terrible, experimenting on human minds, but I don't know what. They're all wearing invisibility cloaks; we don't know where they are.
(turning to Muhammad)
Who's this guy?
LUCRETIUS: A crazy prophet going on about the end of the world, people being gathered up and burned. I was just explaining to him about the mind and spirit; what was it you called them?
DOCTOR: Brain and nervous system.
LUCRETIUS: Yeah, he didn't seem very impressed.
DOCTOR: That's it! The Pyroviles are going to burn up the planet and take whoever they can as willing slaves! Back to the TARDIS, now!
(THE DOCTOR and LUCRETIUS exit; slowly zoom in on Muhammad's face.)
MUHAMMAD: When the earth quakes - a shattering quake!
When the sky disintegrates,
When the earth is crushed, pounded, pulverised,
When the stars are strewn,
When heaven shall be opened,
When hell-fire is kindled,
When the earth is distended,
When the stars are erased,
When the mountains are obliterated
When the seas are made to erupt,
When the Trumpet is blown
When the great Cataclysm overwhelms,
To your Lord that Day is the journey's end.
On this Day the faithful are laughing at the unbelievers,
Upon couches, watching.
(cut to TO BE CONTINUED; credits roll)
Qur'an: Angry Warlord Verses
I'm now back on the Qur'an, a book so underwhelming that, Muhammad assures me, it is definitely not the product of human imagination and creativity:
'It is not possible that this Qur'an is forged by other than God.'
I've now reached the Angry Warlord Verses, which are a bit nasty, and could be summed up as:
Going to War = Going to Heaven
Conscientious Objection = Eternal Damnation
Here are some of the nasty bits:
'Fight them and God will punish them at your hands. Fight the polytheists, all of them, as they fight you all, and know that God stands with the pious. Once the sacred months are shorn, kill the polytheists wherever you find them, arrest them, imprison them, besiege them, and lie in wait for them at every site of ambush. Fight the unbelievers near you, and let them find you harsh, and know that God stands with the pious.
Fight those who do not believe in God or the Last Day, who do not hold illicit what God and His Messenger hold illicit, and who do not follow the religion of truth from among those given the Book, until them offer up tribute, by hand, in humble mien. Fight them so that there will be no discord and the whole of religion belongs to God.
If you do not march forth, He will punish you most painfully. March forth, then, whether light or heavy in armour. Labour hard in the cause of God, with your property and persons; this is best for you, if only you knew. When you meet the unbelievers in combat, turn not your backs to them. Whoso turns his back upon that day, except to retreat and re-attack, or to join another troop, suffers the burden of God's anger and his refuge is hell - a wretched fate indeed.
You are never to pray over any of them who dies, nor stand over his grave, for they disbelieved in God and His Messenger, and died as sinners. They are indeed a pollution; their final place of rest is Hell, in recompense for what they earned. You did not slay them; it was God who slew them.
It is not right for the Prophet and the believers to ask forgiveness for polytheists, even if they are relatives, once it has become clear to them that they are denizens of hell. They swear to you to forgive them but even if you do, God will not forgive the corrupt. A painful punishment awaits them. Whether you ask forgiveness for them or whether you do not, were you to ask forgiveness for them seventy times, God would not forgive them.
God has purchased from the believers their souls and their wealth and, in exchange, Paradise shall be theirs. They fight in the cause of God, they kill and are killed - a true promise from Him in the Torah, the Evangel and the Qur'an. He gives life and He deals death; apart from God, you have neither friend nor champion.
The unbelievers shall be herded into Hell, in order that God may be distinguish the depraved from the pure. He shall heap the depraved one upon the other, piling them all up, and deliver that pile to Hell. These are truly the losers.
The worst of creatures in God's sight are the unbelievers for they have no faith. When you meet them in battle, scatter them utterly as a lesson to those coming after them - perhaps they will reflect. Prepare against them whatever force and war cavalry you can gather to frighten the enemy of God. Whatever you expend in the cause of God will be returned to you in full.'
Etc. It's easy to focus on these verses because the rest of the Qur'an is just so fucking dull. To reach these I've passed through over 375 pages of 'Stock up on good deeds because the world is gonna end any day now. Don't convert people to Islam: if they're are being nice, leave them to whatever they believe, God'll judge 'em on the Last Day'.
In Muhammad's view, going to war is a defensive act. If the polytheists or 'unbelievers' are threatening peace, slaughter them. If they're being nice, leave them to it. After he became ruler of Medina, the Muslim super-tribe started raiding other tribes to get food. (Raiding and trading were the two main ways of acquiring food in 7th century Arabia.) The Muslims were seen as traitors to their tribes because they had abandoned blood-ties for an ideology. Many of the Arab tribes decided to declare war against Medina and exterminate the Muslims.
It is worth remembering that the Arabic word usually translated into 'unbeliever' has no English equivalent; it roughly means 'those who are ungrateful to something (e.g. life) given with great kindness', not 'those who do not accept that our doctrines are true'.
Even amongst the Angry Warlord Verses, there are calmer, Let's All Be Friends Verses:
'Should they be inclined to peace, incline to it also, and put your trust in God.
So long as they deal fairly with you, you are to deal fairly with them. God loves the pious.
Tell the unbelievers: if they desist, past sins will be forgiven them. If they desist, God sees best what they do.
God is All-Forgiving, All-Pardoning, Compassionate to each.'
(Muhammad frequently describes God as 'All-Forgiving' or 'All-Pardoning', and then goes to on say that God will not forgive X, Y, or Z. I find this contradiction the most infuriating, but we should not expect consistency from an illiterate lunatic.)
'It is not possible that this Qur'an is forged by other than God.'
I've now reached the Angry Warlord Verses, which are a bit nasty, and could be summed up as:
Going to War = Going to Heaven
Conscientious Objection = Eternal Damnation
Here are some of the nasty bits:
'Fight them and God will punish them at your hands. Fight the polytheists, all of them, as they fight you all, and know that God stands with the pious. Once the sacred months are shorn, kill the polytheists wherever you find them, arrest them, imprison them, besiege them, and lie in wait for them at every site of ambush. Fight the unbelievers near you, and let them find you harsh, and know that God stands with the pious.
Fight those who do not believe in God or the Last Day, who do not hold illicit what God and His Messenger hold illicit, and who do not follow the religion of truth from among those given the Book, until them offer up tribute, by hand, in humble mien. Fight them so that there will be no discord and the whole of religion belongs to God.
If you do not march forth, He will punish you most painfully. March forth, then, whether light or heavy in armour. Labour hard in the cause of God, with your property and persons; this is best for you, if only you knew. When you meet the unbelievers in combat, turn not your backs to them. Whoso turns his back upon that day, except to retreat and re-attack, or to join another troop, suffers the burden of God's anger and his refuge is hell - a wretched fate indeed.
You are never to pray over any of them who dies, nor stand over his grave, for they disbelieved in God and His Messenger, and died as sinners. They are indeed a pollution; their final place of rest is Hell, in recompense for what they earned. You did not slay them; it was God who slew them.
It is not right for the Prophet and the believers to ask forgiveness for polytheists, even if they are relatives, once it has become clear to them that they are denizens of hell. They swear to you to forgive them but even if you do, God will not forgive the corrupt. A painful punishment awaits them. Whether you ask forgiveness for them or whether you do not, were you to ask forgiveness for them seventy times, God would not forgive them.
God has purchased from the believers their souls and their wealth and, in exchange, Paradise shall be theirs. They fight in the cause of God, they kill and are killed - a true promise from Him in the Torah, the Evangel and the Qur'an. He gives life and He deals death; apart from God, you have neither friend nor champion.
The unbelievers shall be herded into Hell, in order that God may be distinguish the depraved from the pure. He shall heap the depraved one upon the other, piling them all up, and deliver that pile to Hell. These are truly the losers.
The worst of creatures in God's sight are the unbelievers for they have no faith. When you meet them in battle, scatter them utterly as a lesson to those coming after them - perhaps they will reflect. Prepare against them whatever force and war cavalry you can gather to frighten the enemy of God. Whatever you expend in the cause of God will be returned to you in full.'
Etc. It's easy to focus on these verses because the rest of the Qur'an is just so fucking dull. To reach these I've passed through over 375 pages of 'Stock up on good deeds because the world is gonna end any day now. Don't convert people to Islam: if they're are being nice, leave them to whatever they believe, God'll judge 'em on the Last Day'.
In Muhammad's view, going to war is a defensive act. If the polytheists or 'unbelievers' are threatening peace, slaughter them. If they're being nice, leave them to it. After he became ruler of Medina, the Muslim super-tribe started raiding other tribes to get food. (Raiding and trading were the two main ways of acquiring food in 7th century Arabia.) The Muslims were seen as traitors to their tribes because they had abandoned blood-ties for an ideology. Many of the Arab tribes decided to declare war against Medina and exterminate the Muslims.
It is worth remembering that the Arabic word usually translated into 'unbeliever' has no English equivalent; it roughly means 'those who are ungrateful to something (e.g. life) given with great kindness', not 'those who do not accept that our doctrines are true'.
Even amongst the Angry Warlord Verses, there are calmer, Let's All Be Friends Verses:
'Should they be inclined to peace, incline to it also, and put your trust in God.
So long as they deal fairly with you, you are to deal fairly with them. God loves the pious.
Tell the unbelievers: if they desist, past sins will be forgiven them. If they desist, God sees best what they do.
God is All-Forgiving, All-Pardoning, Compassionate to each.'
(Muhammad frequently describes God as 'All-Forgiving' or 'All-Pardoning', and then goes to on say that God will not forgive X, Y, or Z. I find this contradiction the most infuriating, but we should not expect consistency from an illiterate lunatic.)
Qur'an: Laws To Live By
Once ruler of Medina, Muhammad had to come up with some laws for everyone to live by, such as:
"The adulteress and the adulterer: flog each of them a hundred lashes. And let not pity for them overcome you in regard to the law of God."
And this shining beacon of 7th century Arabian morality:
"Do not force your female slaves into prostitution, if they desire chastity, in order to gain some advantage in the present world. If forced, God, once they are forced, is towards them All-Forgiving, Compassionate to each."
As ruler of Medina, he had a lot to deal with. But people kept trying to talk to him at meal times, and it was getting very distracting. That's one of the burdens of being a celebrity/prophet/warlord. Muhammad's best mate, God, the creator of all things, was able to help his buddy out:
"O believers, do not enter the chambers of the Prophet unless given leave, and do not wait around for it to be well cooked. Rather, if invited enter, and when fed disperse, not lingering for conversation. This behaviour irritates the Prophet, who is embarrassed to tell you, but God is not embarrassed by the truth."
While the tone has got a bit darker, the Qur'an hasn't got much more exciting. He's still going on about the imminent End of the World and the need to stock up on good deeds, and occasionally mentioning or retelling a biblical story. Most of these retellings are clunky and boring; the best so far features King Solomon - leading an army of humans, jinn, and talking birds - meeting a talking ant, in the aptly named Valley of Ants.
There's still been nothing about Islam being the One True Faith that everyone needs to convert to. Muhammad's very much a "if they're being nice, leave 'em to it" kind of guy:
"As for the believers, the Jews, the Sabeans, the Christians, the Zoroastrians and the polytheists - God shall judge between them on the Day of Resurrection. God is a witness of all things."
Only 260 pages to go! I have started speed-reading it, because "stock up on good deeds because the End of the World is gonna happen any day now" stopped being entertaining many pages ago.
"The adulteress and the adulterer: flog each of them a hundred lashes. And let not pity for them overcome you in regard to the law of God."
And this shining beacon of 7th century Arabian morality:
"Do not force your female slaves into prostitution, if they desire chastity, in order to gain some advantage in the present world. If forced, God, once they are forced, is towards them All-Forgiving, Compassionate to each."
As ruler of Medina, he had a lot to deal with. But people kept trying to talk to him at meal times, and it was getting very distracting. That's one of the burdens of being a celebrity/prophet/warlord. Muhammad's best mate, God, the creator of all things, was able to help his buddy out:
"O believers, do not enter the chambers of the Prophet unless given leave, and do not wait around for it to be well cooked. Rather, if invited enter, and when fed disperse, not lingering for conversation. This behaviour irritates the Prophet, who is embarrassed to tell you, but God is not embarrassed by the truth."
While the tone has got a bit darker, the Qur'an hasn't got much more exciting. He's still going on about the imminent End of the World and the need to stock up on good deeds, and occasionally mentioning or retelling a biblical story. Most of these retellings are clunky and boring; the best so far features King Solomon - leading an army of humans, jinn, and talking birds - meeting a talking ant, in the aptly named Valley of Ants.
There's still been nothing about Islam being the One True Faith that everyone needs to convert to. Muhammad's very much a "if they're being nice, leave 'em to it" kind of guy:
"As for the believers, the Jews, the Sabeans, the Christians, the Zoroastrians and the polytheists - God shall judge between them on the Day of Resurrection. God is a witness of all things."
Only 260 pages to go! I have started speed-reading it, because "stock up on good deeds because the End of the World is gonna happen any day now" stopped being entertaining many pages ago.
Qur'an: No More Mr Nice Prophet
After about 180 pages of "stock up on good deeds because the world is gonna end any day now", the tone of the Qur'an changes very suddenly. After putting up with so much shit, Muhammad's (and God's) patience wore out: Muhammad picked up his shotgun and started singing:
"No more Mr Nice Prophet,
No more Mr Clean,
No more Mr Nice Prophet,
They say, he's sick, he's a false prophet"
(I may have embellished this slightly: he didn't actually have a shotgun.)
As Muhammad's following grew, the Muslims became increasingly unpopular. The leaders of the Quraysh tribe, Muhammad's own tribe, imposed a boycott on the Muslims. Everyone in Mecca was forbidden to trade with the them; nobody could sell them food. This ruined many of the Muslims' lives, and was partly responsible for the death of Khadija, Muhammad's wife. Slaves who had converted to Islam were killed.
Eight years after his first revelation, Muhammad was approached by emissaries from the city of Yathrib, 250 miles north of Mecca. Several tribes had given up the nomadic way of life to found Yathrib. Some of these tribes were Jewish, and their monotheist ideas were popular with the Arab tribes. However, the Yathrib tribes were often still at war with each other. The emissaries recognised Muhammad as God's prophet to the Arabs; they converted to Islam. Two years later, in 622 CE, the Muslims of Mecca migrated to Yathrib. This exodus marks the beginning of the Muslim calendar. The Muslims had turned their backs on tribal blood ties; a new era had begun.
Muhammad became ruler of Yathrib, which became known as Medina. His revelations became a lot more political: while he was not forcing everyone to convert to Islam, a lot of the Jews and pagans of Medina, who did not recognise him as a legit prophet, weren't too fond of him as their ruler. They just thought he was some random guy from Mecca, with voices in his head, who had suddenly been put in charge of their city. Luckily for Muhammad, the voice in his head (God, speaking through the Angel Gabriel) provided him with an effective solution to this problem:
"If the hypocrites, and the sick in heart, and those who spread panic in the city, do not desist, We will give you sway over them, and then they will no longer be your neighbours therein, except for a short while. Accursed shall they be; wherever they are found they shall be captured and killed outright. Such has been the precedent of God with those who came before, and you shall not find God's precedent to vary."
I have another 340 pages of the Qur'an, another ten years of Muhammad's life, still to go. Mecca and Medina will go to war; there will be betrayals, subterfuge, slaughter, sieges, raids, and, after all that, a peace offensive. Muhammad will end up ruler of all Arabia, the various tribes having sworn allegiance to the Muslim super-tribe.
"No more Mr Nice Prophet,
No more Mr Clean,
No more Mr Nice Prophet,
They say, he's sick, he's a false prophet"
(I may have embellished this slightly: he didn't actually have a shotgun.)
As Muhammad's following grew, the Muslims became increasingly unpopular. The leaders of the Quraysh tribe, Muhammad's own tribe, imposed a boycott on the Muslims. Everyone in Mecca was forbidden to trade with the them; nobody could sell them food. This ruined many of the Muslims' lives, and was partly responsible for the death of Khadija, Muhammad's wife. Slaves who had converted to Islam were killed.
Eight years after his first revelation, Muhammad was approached by emissaries from the city of Yathrib, 250 miles north of Mecca. Several tribes had given up the nomadic way of life to found Yathrib. Some of these tribes were Jewish, and their monotheist ideas were popular with the Arab tribes. However, the Yathrib tribes were often still at war with each other. The emissaries recognised Muhammad as God's prophet to the Arabs; they converted to Islam. Two years later, in 622 CE, the Muslims of Mecca migrated to Yathrib. This exodus marks the beginning of the Muslim calendar. The Muslims had turned their backs on tribal blood ties; a new era had begun.
Muhammad became ruler of Yathrib, which became known as Medina. His revelations became a lot more political: while he was not forcing everyone to convert to Islam, a lot of the Jews and pagans of Medina, who did not recognise him as a legit prophet, weren't too fond of him as their ruler. They just thought he was some random guy from Mecca, with voices in his head, who had suddenly been put in charge of their city. Luckily for Muhammad, the voice in his head (God, speaking through the Angel Gabriel) provided him with an effective solution to this problem:
"If the hypocrites, and the sick in heart, and those who spread panic in the city, do not desist, We will give you sway over them, and then they will no longer be your neighbours therein, except for a short while. Accursed shall they be; wherever they are found they shall be captured and killed outright. Such has been the precedent of God with those who came before, and you shall not find God's precedent to vary."
I have another 340 pages of the Qur'an, another ten years of Muhammad's life, still to go. Mecca and Medina will go to war; there will be betrayals, subterfuge, slaughter, sieges, raids, and, after all that, a peace offensive. Muhammad will end up ruler of all Arabia, the various tribes having sworn allegiance to the Muslim super-tribe.
Qur'an: Jesus
In the Hebrew Bible, God occasionally refers to himself using plural pronouns. This is a remnant of ye olde Israelite polytheism, when Yahweh was part of a pantheon. In the Qur'an, God - speaking through the Angel Gabriel, speaking through Muhammad - also occasionally refers to himself using plural pronouns, as well as third person and first person singular pronouns. Islam, being an Arabian reboot of Jewish Christianity, recognises Jesus and the Jewish prophets as legit messengers of God:
'We had sent Noah and Abraham and assigned prophecy and the Book to their progeny. Some are guided aright, but many of them are dissolute. Then, following them, We sent Our messengers, and followed them up with Jesus son of Mary, and granted him the Evangel. In the hearts of those who followed him We planted kindness and compassion; and also a monasticism which they invented but which We did not ordain for them except to seek the good pleasure of God. But they did not do it justice. Hence, We granted those among them who believed their reward, but many of them are dissolute.'
Jesus, in Islamic mythology, was still born from virgin Mary, but he was fully human. Mary produced him via miraculous parthenogenesis; God did not father him. His teaching, the Evangel, was lost and corrupted over time. God still thinks Christianity is cool though, as long as the Christians are being nice.
I have now read over 140 pages of the Qur'an and have still yet to encounter anything morally repugnant. In fact, there has been very little actual content. The main message is: '"End of the World is gonna happen any day now, so stock up on good deeds to make sure you go to eternal paradise not eternal damnation," says the Judeo-Christian God, who is the One True God.'
It's just been that, repeated, over and over again, sometimes with impressive dramatic language, sometimes alluding to various characters from Biblical mythology, sometimes mentioning Jinn (Islamic mythology features 3 intelligent species: Humans, which God made from clay; Angels, which God made from light; and Jinn, which God made from fire.). It's really quite boring. To put it most bluntly: it comes across as the ramblings of an illiterate merchant with voices in his head.
'We had sent Noah and Abraham and assigned prophecy and the Book to their progeny. Some are guided aright, but many of them are dissolute. Then, following them, We sent Our messengers, and followed them up with Jesus son of Mary, and granted him the Evangel. In the hearts of those who followed him We planted kindness and compassion; and also a monasticism which they invented but which We did not ordain for them except to seek the good pleasure of God. But they did not do it justice. Hence, We granted those among them who believed their reward, but many of them are dissolute.'
Jesus, in Islamic mythology, was still born from virgin Mary, but he was fully human. Mary produced him via miraculous parthenogenesis; God did not father him. His teaching, the Evangel, was lost and corrupted over time. God still thinks Christianity is cool though, as long as the Christians are being nice.
I have now read over 140 pages of the Qur'an and have still yet to encounter anything morally repugnant. In fact, there has been very little actual content. The main message is: '"End of the World is gonna happen any day now, so stock up on good deeds to make sure you go to eternal paradise not eternal damnation," says the Judeo-Christian God, who is the One True God.'
It's just been that, repeated, over and over again, sometimes with impressive dramatic language, sometimes alluding to various characters from Biblical mythology, sometimes mentioning Jinn (Islamic mythology features 3 intelligent species: Humans, which God made from clay; Angels, which God made from light; and Jinn, which God made from fire.). It's really quite boring. To put it most bluntly: it comes across as the ramblings of an illiterate merchant with voices in his head.
Qur'an: Early Days
Islam is like an Arabian reboot of Jewish Christianity, the branch of Christianity that considered Jesus a fully human Jewish prophet: neither semi-divine nor God in human form. There was a feeling amongst the 7th century Arabs that they had been left out of history; their monotheist neighbours worshipped only one god, had cosmopolitan cities and a rich culture. The Arabs were still worshipping a plethora of gods and had a very tribal culture; some tribes were nomadic, others had built primitive settlements, and the tribes were constantly at war with each other. The Arabian climate was not conducive to speedy social development; the Arabs lived on the brink of starvation.
The Quraysh tribe, based in Mecca, had become quite wealthy. Mecca was a sacred pilgrimage site to Arab pagans; every year they would gather around the Kabah, an ancient shrine housing a 'Rock from Paradise' (a meteorite), and worship the top god of the Arabian pantheon: Allah. Violence was forbidden in and around Mecca, which made it a great place to trade. The wealthy elite, corrupted by greed and material possessions, did not help the weaker members of society. This upset a lot of people, one of whom founded a major world religion.
In 610 C.E., a man from the Quraysh tribe, Muhammad ibn Abdallah, woke from his slumber and could not move. He felt a presence constricting him, and heard a voice speaking to him (Google 'sleep paralysis'). At first, Muhammad thought he was either insane or being tormented by a jinn (a desert spirit). But these experiences continued, so he confided to his wife and one of her cousins (who was a Jewish Christian). Both concluded that he was receiving messages from the Judeo-Christian God, who was also the top god of the Arabian pantheon. God had finally turned his attention to the Arabs; it was time for Arabian monotheism. Two years after his first revelation, Muhammad started to preach.
'He it is Who created the heavens and earth in six days, then sat firmly on the throne. He knows whatever passes into the earth and whatever comes out thereof, What comes down from heaven, and what ascends thereto; He is with you where you may be; He knows full well what you do. To Him belongs sovereignty of the heavens and earth, and to God all matters shall revert. He it is Who entwines night with day, and day with night, and knows full well what lies within hearts. He created man from thin clay, like earthenware, And created jinn from shimmering flame. Jinn and humans, if you can make your escape from the regions of the heavens and earth, escape! You shall not escape except by divine authority. The Imminent Event is at hand. And you laugh instead of weeping - lost in your frivolity? Bow to God and worship!'
There was a mixed response to Muhammad's anti-capitalist polemics and vivid descriptions of the Imminent Judgement Day Which Is Gonna Happen Any Day Now. He slowly gathered followers, but most people in Mecca just thought he had been out in the sun too long. Twenty-years later, Muhammad ruled Arabia.
The Quraysh tribe, based in Mecca, had become quite wealthy. Mecca was a sacred pilgrimage site to Arab pagans; every year they would gather around the Kabah, an ancient shrine housing a 'Rock from Paradise' (a meteorite), and worship the top god of the Arabian pantheon: Allah. Violence was forbidden in and around Mecca, which made it a great place to trade. The wealthy elite, corrupted by greed and material possessions, did not help the weaker members of society. This upset a lot of people, one of whom founded a major world religion.
In 610 C.E., a man from the Quraysh tribe, Muhammad ibn Abdallah, woke from his slumber and could not move. He felt a presence constricting him, and heard a voice speaking to him (Google 'sleep paralysis'). At first, Muhammad thought he was either insane or being tormented by a jinn (a desert spirit). But these experiences continued, so he confided to his wife and one of her cousins (who was a Jewish Christian). Both concluded that he was receiving messages from the Judeo-Christian God, who was also the top god of the Arabian pantheon. God had finally turned his attention to the Arabs; it was time for Arabian monotheism. Two years after his first revelation, Muhammad started to preach.
'He it is Who created the heavens and earth in six days, then sat firmly on the throne. He knows whatever passes into the earth and whatever comes out thereof, What comes down from heaven, and what ascends thereto; He is with you where you may be; He knows full well what you do. To Him belongs sovereignty of the heavens and earth, and to God all matters shall revert. He it is Who entwines night with day, and day with night, and knows full well what lies within hearts. He created man from thin clay, like earthenware, And created jinn from shimmering flame. Jinn and humans, if you can make your escape from the regions of the heavens and earth, escape! You shall not escape except by divine authority. The Imminent Event is at hand. And you laugh instead of weeping - lost in your frivolity? Bow to God and worship!'
There was a mixed response to Muhammad's anti-capitalist polemics and vivid descriptions of the Imminent Judgement Day Which Is Gonna Happen Any Day Now. He slowly gathered followers, but most people in Mecca just thought he had been out in the sun too long. Twenty-years later, Muhammad ruled Arabia.
Qur'an: So Far, So Benign
I have now read over 80 pages of the Qur'an and have yet to encounter anything morally repugnant. This is surprising, both because of an unconscious Islamophobic bias which led me to expect the Qur'an to be awful, and because of how this compares to my reading of the Bible. Less than ten pages into my readings of either the 'Old' or 'New' testaments, I started to find the text abhorrent and this repulsion only increased as I kept reading. The nice verses are nice, but the bad verses are bad.
The Christian revolution was in many ways a moral step forwards, and in many other ways a moral step backwards. The early Christians laid the foundations for many of the values which Western civilisation takes for granted. But they also introduced new, and exacerbated existing, prejudices. We are still fighting these biblical bigotries which have, perhaps irreparably, scarred our culture.
In the shithole of 7th century Arabia, Islam was a massive step forwards. So far, Muhammad has just been going about the coming apocalypse and the need to be a nice person.
'The freeing of a slave, Or feeding, in time of famine, An orphan near in kin, Or a poor man, dirt-poor. Enjoin patience on one another, Enjoin mercy on one another, Whatever good works you lay in store for yourselves you shall find something better with God, and greater in reward. So be pious before God as best you can, and listen and obey, and expend in charity for your own sake!'
Etc. Just nice things. He also teaches, as I quoted in a previous post, not to proselytise and convert people to Islam. Even the stuff about 'unbelievers' being eternally punished and having a really bad time on Judgement Day is just a problem of translation.
The Arabic word usually translated into either 'infidel' or 'unbeliever' has no equivalent English word: it roughly means 'those who are blatantly ungrateful towards something given with great kindness' i.e. people who, in response to being given the gift of life, are selfish, prideful and arrogant. It is not simply referring to all non-Muslims. I find it useful to replace 'unbeliever' with 'dickhead':
'That Day, mankind will come out in scattered throngs, To be shown their rights and wrongs, Whoso has done an atom's worth of good shall see it; Whose has done an atom's worth of evil shall see it.
When the Trumpet is blown, That shall be a day grievous to the dickheads, A Day of no ease.
When they see it coming near, the faces of the dickheads will grow sorrowful, and it shall be said: 'This is what you asked for.''
Maybe I've jinxed it. Maybe tonight I'll read about how God wants all kittens mutilated. But so far, it's been a pleasant read.
The Christian revolution was in many ways a moral step forwards, and in many other ways a moral step backwards. The early Christians laid the foundations for many of the values which Western civilisation takes for granted. But they also introduced new, and exacerbated existing, prejudices. We are still fighting these biblical bigotries which have, perhaps irreparably, scarred our culture.
In the shithole of 7th century Arabia, Islam was a massive step forwards. So far, Muhammad has just been going about the coming apocalypse and the need to be a nice person.
'The freeing of a slave, Or feeding, in time of famine, An orphan near in kin, Or a poor man, dirt-poor. Enjoin patience on one another, Enjoin mercy on one another, Whatever good works you lay in store for yourselves you shall find something better with God, and greater in reward. So be pious before God as best you can, and listen and obey, and expend in charity for your own sake!'
Etc. Just nice things. He also teaches, as I quoted in a previous post, not to proselytise and convert people to Islam. Even the stuff about 'unbelievers' being eternally punished and having a really bad time on Judgement Day is just a problem of translation.
The Arabic word usually translated into either 'infidel' or 'unbeliever' has no equivalent English word: it roughly means 'those who are blatantly ungrateful towards something given with great kindness' i.e. people who, in response to being given the gift of life, are selfish, prideful and arrogant. It is not simply referring to all non-Muslims. I find it useful to replace 'unbeliever' with 'dickhead':
'That Day, mankind will come out in scattered throngs, To be shown their rights and wrongs, Whoso has done an atom's worth of good shall see it; Whose has done an atom's worth of evil shall see it.
When the Trumpet is blown, That shall be a day grievous to the dickheads, A Day of no ease.
When they see it coming near, the faces of the dickheads will grow sorrowful, and it shall be said: 'This is what you asked for.''
Maybe I've jinxed it. Maybe tonight I'll read about how God wants all kittens mutilated. But so far, it's been a pleasant read.
Qur'an: Introduction
Having read about a third of the Old Testament, and about half of the New Testament, I've decided to take a break from the Bible to read the Qur'an and learn about Islam for a bit. Being a collection of stuff that Muhammad said (or, stuff that was revealed to Muhammad by the Angel Gabriel) at different times over a twenty year period, the Qur'an doesn't lend itself well to summary. I'll share a few excerpts with a little bit of history so we can all learn about Islam together. Like with the New Testament, I've decided to read the Qur'an in an approximate chronological order to see how Muhammad's views/revelations developed over his life.
Arabia, in Muhammad's day, was a place of many religions. Muhammad's imagination combined elements from Arabian polytheism with bits of Jewish and Christian lore to create a new mythology. Central to this mythology is the oneness of God; Muhammad thought polytheism was obviously rubbish, and considered the Christian doctrine of the Trinity to be nonsense:
'Say: "He is God, Unique,
God, Lord Supreme!
Neither begetting nor begotten,
And none can be His peer."
Despite what we might expect from the media's portrayal of Islam, the Qur'an is not that big on preaching, proselytising and winning over converts:
'Say: "O unbelievers! I do not worship what you worship,
Nor do you worship what I worship;
Nor will I ever worship what you worship,
Nor will you ever worship what I worship.
You have your religion,
And I have mine.'
Arabia, in Muhammad's day, was a place of many religions. Muhammad's imagination combined elements from Arabian polytheism with bits of Jewish and Christian lore to create a new mythology. Central to this mythology is the oneness of God; Muhammad thought polytheism was obviously rubbish, and considered the Christian doctrine of the Trinity to be nonsense:
'Say: "He is God, Unique,
God, Lord Supreme!
Neither begetting nor begotten,
And none can be His peer."
Despite what we might expect from the media's portrayal of Islam, the Qur'an is not that big on preaching, proselytising and winning over converts:
'Say: "O unbelievers! I do not worship what you worship,
Nor do you worship what I worship;
Nor will I ever worship what you worship,
Nor will you ever worship what I worship.
You have your religion,
And I have mine.'
Qur'an: Poetry
The Qur'an is very different to the Bible. It is not an anthology of books, letters or stories, but a collection of speeches. Each chapter, called a 'sura' (plural: suwar), is a transcript of one of Muhammad's speeches/revelations. They are very varied in length.
The beautiful poetry of the Arabic is lost in translation; Muslims insist that the Qur'an is only the Qur'an in the Arabic original. Reciting the Arabic is, according to common Muslim opinion, capable of causing tears of repentance and comfort, or a shiver of fear and trembling. Partly because of this language problem, Muslims actively discouraged converting non-Arabs to Islam for the first 100 years after Muhammad's death. Islam was seen as the religion for Arabs; God had used other prophets to instruct non-Arabs.
At the beginning of his time as prophet, Muhammad's revelations were very simple. He was, like many prophets and messiahs before and after him, telling people to be nice and warning them about the impending apocalypse. He had been born into a rich tribe, and his wife was a very successful merchant, but he was affected by the financial inequality he saw in Arabia, and so was God:
'He who amasses wealth, forever counting it,
Imagining his wealth will immortalize him!
He shall be tossed into the Consumer,
But how can you know what is the Consumer?
The flaming Fire of God!'
'You do not honour the orphan,
Nor urge one another to feed the poor.
You consume an inheritance to the last mouthful,
And you love wealth with a love inordinate.'
There is a lot of apocalypse-talk. The following is an amalgam of verses from different chapters:
'When the earth quakes - a shattering quake!
When the sky disintegrates,
That Day, mankind will come out in scattered throngs,
To be shown their rights and wrongs.
When the earth is crushed, pounded, pulverised,
When the stars are strewn,
Your Lord and the angels arrive, row after row,
And hell that Day is brought in tow
When heaven shall be opened
When hell-fire is kindled
Man that Day shall be informed
Of all his works, from first to last.
When the earth is distended,
When the stars are erased,
On that Day, some faces shall be resplendent,
To their Lord their eyes are lifted.
When the mountains are obliterated
When the seas are made to erupt,
On that Day, some faces shall be snarling,
Knowing a back-breaker shall befall them.
When the Trumpet is blown
When the great Cataclysm overwhelms,
To your Lord that Day is the journey's end.
On this Day the faithful are laughing at the unbelievers,
Upon couches, watching.'
The beautiful poetry of the Arabic is lost in translation; Muslims insist that the Qur'an is only the Qur'an in the Arabic original. Reciting the Arabic is, according to common Muslim opinion, capable of causing tears of repentance and comfort, or a shiver of fear and trembling. Partly because of this language problem, Muslims actively discouraged converting non-Arabs to Islam for the first 100 years after Muhammad's death. Islam was seen as the religion for Arabs; God had used other prophets to instruct non-Arabs.
At the beginning of his time as prophet, Muhammad's revelations were very simple. He was, like many prophets and messiahs before and after him, telling people to be nice and warning them about the impending apocalypse. He had been born into a rich tribe, and his wife was a very successful merchant, but he was affected by the financial inequality he saw in Arabia, and so was God:
'He who amasses wealth, forever counting it,
Imagining his wealth will immortalize him!
He shall be tossed into the Consumer,
But how can you know what is the Consumer?
The flaming Fire of God!'
'You do not honour the orphan,
Nor urge one another to feed the poor.
You consume an inheritance to the last mouthful,
And you love wealth with a love inordinate.'
There is a lot of apocalypse-talk. The following is an amalgam of verses from different chapters:
'When the earth quakes - a shattering quake!
When the sky disintegrates,
That Day, mankind will come out in scattered throngs,
To be shown their rights and wrongs.
When the earth is crushed, pounded, pulverised,
When the stars are strewn,
Your Lord and the angels arrive, row after row,
And hell that Day is brought in tow
When heaven shall be opened
When hell-fire is kindled
Man that Day shall be informed
Of all his works, from first to last.
When the earth is distended,
When the stars are erased,
On that Day, some faces shall be resplendent,
To their Lord their eyes are lifted.
When the mountains are obliterated
When the seas are made to erupt,
On that Day, some faces shall be snarling,
Knowing a back-breaker shall befall them.
When the Trumpet is blown
When the great Cataclysm overwhelms,
To your Lord that Day is the journey's end.
On this Day the faithful are laughing at the unbelievers,
Upon couches, watching.'
Qur'an: Humans, Angels, and Jinn
Jewish Angels do not have free will. In Judaism, Satan is a servant of God who carries out divinely-authorised evil acts to tempt and troll humanity, because the Hebrew God is a capricious tyrant who does whatever he wants and answers to no one (and if you don't worship him, he'll beat you up on a biblical scale).
Christian Angels do have free will. In Christianity, Satan is an angel who rebelled against God's tyrannical rule, either before or after the creation of man, and now tempts and trolls humanity in direct opposition to the will of the benevolent Christian God, who, being omnipotent, is perfectly capable of destroying Satan (which he'll get round to doing on Judgement Day, any day now).
Muhammad was vaguely aware of both these traditions, which he combined with some Arabian folklore to produce a more convoluted explanation for evil.
Islamic Angels do not have free will, but jinn (desert spirits from Arabian folklore) do have free will. Before creating humans, God created angels out of light and jinn out of fire. After God created man, he commanded the angels and the jinn to bow before Adam.
Iblis, one of the jinn, refused. He said, "I am better than him; You created me of fire, but him You created out of clay."
At which point, God effectively told Iblis to fuck off and be cursed forever.
But Iblis begged for his punishment to be deferred until after Judgement Day.
"You shall be deferred until that well-known moment," said God.
"I swear by Your Might, I shall seduce them all!" declared Iblis.
"In truth, in very truth, I say to you: I shall fill Hell to the brim with you and all who follow you of their number."
Iblis was given the title 'Satan' and has been tempting and trolling humanity in opposition to the will of the benevolent Muslim God ever since.
But not all jinn are bad; jinn have free will just like humans. Muhammad addresses both humans and jinn in his speeches. Both humans and jinn need to sort their act out before Judgement Day, which, according to Muhammad (speaking over 1300 years ago), is going to happen any day now:
"Warn them of that Day, soon to come, when hearts shall reach up to throats, convulsed in agony. The wicked shall have no intimate friend, and no intercessor whose word is obeyed. He knows what eyes betray, and what hearts conceal. God shall judge in justice, while they, whom they worshipped instead of Him, can judge nothing. God is All-Hearing, All-Seeing."
Christian Angels do have free will. In Christianity, Satan is an angel who rebelled against God's tyrannical rule, either before or after the creation of man, and now tempts and trolls humanity in direct opposition to the will of the benevolent Christian God, who, being omnipotent, is perfectly capable of destroying Satan (which he'll get round to doing on Judgement Day, any day now).
Muhammad was vaguely aware of both these traditions, which he combined with some Arabian folklore to produce a more convoluted explanation for evil.
Islamic Angels do not have free will, but jinn (desert spirits from Arabian folklore) do have free will. Before creating humans, God created angels out of light and jinn out of fire. After God created man, he commanded the angels and the jinn to bow before Adam.
Iblis, one of the jinn, refused. He said, "I am better than him; You created me of fire, but him You created out of clay."
At which point, God effectively told Iblis to fuck off and be cursed forever.
But Iblis begged for his punishment to be deferred until after Judgement Day.
"You shall be deferred until that well-known moment," said God.
"I swear by Your Might, I shall seduce them all!" declared Iblis.
"In truth, in very truth, I say to you: I shall fill Hell to the brim with you and all who follow you of their number."
Iblis was given the title 'Satan' and has been tempting and trolling humanity in opposition to the will of the benevolent Muslim God ever since.
But not all jinn are bad; jinn have free will just like humans. Muhammad addresses both humans and jinn in his speeches. Both humans and jinn need to sort their act out before Judgement Day, which, according to Muhammad (speaking over 1300 years ago), is going to happen any day now:
"Warn them of that Day, soon to come, when hearts shall reach up to throats, convulsed in agony. The wicked shall have no intimate friend, and no intercessor whose word is obeyed. He knows what eyes betray, and what hearts conceal. God shall judge in justice, while they, whom they worshipped instead of Him, can judge nothing. God is All-Hearing, All-Seeing."
Qur'an: The Satanic Verses
Sometimes, after Muhammad had a revelation, he realised that what the voice in his head had just said contradicted some of his earlier revelations. He and his followers concluded that Satan had temporarily supplanted the Angel Gabriel as the voice in Muhammad's head. These contradicting revelations were then removed from the canonical Qur'an.
(While we are on the subject of sanity, it is worth mentioning that Muhammad preached to both humans and invisible fire-spirits.)
The 'Satanic verses' were the inspiration for the eponymous novel by Salman Rushdie. Shortly after the novel was published, Ayatollah Khomeini, the Supreme Leader of Iran, publicly offered money to anyone who murdered Rushdie.
Salman Rushdie had to go into hiding, constantly moving from place to place. Several attempts were made on his life. His Norwegian publisher was shot several times in the back with a rifle; his Japanese and Italian translators were attacked.
Religious leaders from around the world - the Vatican, the church of England, America, Israel - all sided with... the Ayotollah. The Archbishop of Canterbury called for Rushdie to be arrested for blasphemy, but the law only covered blasphemy against Christianity (this law was abolished in 2008; yes, blasphemy against Christianity was illegal in Britain until 2008, and people were still being arrested for it in the 1990s). The fatwa against Salman Rushdie is still in place, but the Iranian government has since declared that it will neither support nor hinder anyone's attempt to murder him.
That was in 1989. It is a sign of progress that the response to the recent Charlie Hebdo attack (whose cartoons were far more insulting than Rushdie's novel) has mostly been a chorus of 'Fuck you' to the violent extremists.
"We sent not any messenger or prophet before you but one who, when prophesying, Satan intrudes into his prophecies. God then abrogates Satan's intrusions, and God enshrines His revelations, and God is Omniscient, All-Wise. And this, in order to make what Satan interpolates a seduction to those in whose hearts lies sickness, or whose hearts are hard."
(While we are on the subject of sanity, it is worth mentioning that Muhammad preached to both humans and invisible fire-spirits.)
The 'Satanic verses' were the inspiration for the eponymous novel by Salman Rushdie. Shortly after the novel was published, Ayatollah Khomeini, the Supreme Leader of Iran, publicly offered money to anyone who murdered Rushdie.
Salman Rushdie had to go into hiding, constantly moving from place to place. Several attempts were made on his life. His Norwegian publisher was shot several times in the back with a rifle; his Japanese and Italian translators were attacked.
Religious leaders from around the world - the Vatican, the church of England, America, Israel - all sided with... the Ayotollah. The Archbishop of Canterbury called for Rushdie to be arrested for blasphemy, but the law only covered blasphemy against Christianity (this law was abolished in 2008; yes, blasphemy against Christianity was illegal in Britain until 2008, and people were still being arrested for it in the 1990s). The fatwa against Salman Rushdie is still in place, but the Iranian government has since declared that it will neither support nor hinder anyone's attempt to murder him.
That was in 1989. It is a sign of progress that the response to the recent Charlie Hebdo attack (whose cartoons were far more insulting than Rushdie's novel) has mostly been a chorus of 'Fuck you' to the violent extremists.
"We sent not any messenger or prophet before you but one who, when prophesying, Satan intrudes into his prophecies. God then abrogates Satan's intrusions, and God enshrines His revelations, and God is Omniscient, All-Wise. And this, in order to make what Satan interpolates a seduction to those in whose hearts lies sickness, or whose hearts are hard."
Qur'an: Awkward Questions
In Mecca, Muhammad was monogamous and told his followers that 4 was the maximum number of wives they were allowed. He moved to Medina a few years after his wife died, and became the ruler of the city. He fixed allegiances by taking a woman from each of Medina's tribes as his wife.
When Muhammad the Peaceful Prophet became the ruler of Medina, he became Muhammad the Warlord. The 'economy' of 7th century Arabia was based on raiding and trading. The climate was poor so most goods were imported, either stolen or purchased, from neighbouring empires, and the Arab tribes would steal and purchase from each other to spread the goods around. Going to war with other tribes was how you got your food.
Back then, the category 'goods' included human slaves, including sex slaves. Muhammad got himself a nice harem. He already had ten wives, and some of his followers were starting to ask awkward questions, such as "Why do you get to have so many wives and sex slaves?"
Muhammad was allowed to have so many women because God said so:
"O Prophet, We have made licit for you the wives to whom you have given their bridal money, as also the slaves that God assigned you as war booty, the daughters of your paternal uncles and aunts, the daughters of your maternal uncles and aunts, who emigrated with you, and also a believing woman if she offers herself to the Prophet, provided the Prophet wishes to marry her, as a special dispensation to you only, but not to the believers."
When Muhammad the Peaceful Prophet became the ruler of Medina, he became Muhammad the Warlord. The 'economy' of 7th century Arabia was based on raiding and trading. The climate was poor so most goods were imported, either stolen or purchased, from neighbouring empires, and the Arab tribes would steal and purchase from each other to spread the goods around. Going to war with other tribes was how you got your food.
Back then, the category 'goods' included human slaves, including sex slaves. Muhammad got himself a nice harem. He already had ten wives, and some of his followers were starting to ask awkward questions, such as "Why do you get to have so many wives and sex slaves?"
Muhammad was allowed to have so many women because God said so:
"O Prophet, We have made licit for you the wives to whom you have given their bridal money, as also the slaves that God assigned you as war booty, the daughters of your paternal uncles and aunts, the daughters of your maternal uncles and aunts, who emigrated with you, and also a believing woman if she offers herself to the Prophet, provided the Prophet wishes to marry her, as a special dispensation to you only, but not to the believers."
Qur'an: Eternal Torture
One day, some clever clogs asked Muhammad, "Excuse me, Mr Prophet sir, if your God is both 'All-Forgiving, Compassionate to each', and 'Omnipotent', as you keep saying, over and over again, why is he going to send a significant portion of the souls he created to eternal damnation, to be tortured literally forever?"
Muhammad was stumped by this. He thought about it for a long time, and, eventually, the voice in his head (God, speaking through the Angel Gabriel) answered with a resounding 'BECAUSE!':
"Had We wished, We could have granted each soul its right guidance. But my decree is binding: I shall fill Hell with both jinn and humans."
Muhammad was stumped by this. He thought about it for a long time, and, eventually, the voice in his head (God, speaking through the Angel Gabriel) answered with a resounding 'BECAUSE!':
"Had We wished, We could have granted each soul its right guidance. But my decree is binding: I shall fill Hell with both jinn and humans."
Qur'an: Best Book Ever
Very shortly after starting the Qur'an it became obvious that its greatest selling point is the beautiful poetry of the Arabic original, which is lost in translation. The content is repetitive, dull, both morally and theologically shallow, and, when not going on about the end of the world, mostly consists of Judeo-Christian myths and Arabian folklore clumsily slammed together, making an altogether unsatisfying mythology.
I have read so many better books - Star Maker, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Sandman, Paradise Lost, The Book of Job, Walden, Gulliver's Travels, The City and the Stars, etc - and none of these claim to be (a) the best book that has ever been written, or (b) the best book that can ever be written.
But the Qur'an does:
"Were humans and jinn to band together to produce a semblance of this Qur'an, they could not do so, even if they back one another up."
Muhammad was an illiterate merchant turned street preacher turned warlord, who lived in 7th century Arabia, making him the perfect judge as to whether he'd just dictated The Best Book That Can Ever Exist. However, it is uplifting to know that even in 7th century Arabia, a lot of people were calling Muhammad up on his bullshit:
"In this Qur'an, We have elucidated to mankind every sort of parable, but most people will assent to nothing but blasphemy. We have detailed in this Qur'an all manner of things, that they might ponder and remember, but it only increases them in their distaste of it. Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter."
I have read so many better books - Star Maker, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Sandman, Paradise Lost, The Book of Job, Walden, Gulliver's Travels, The City and the Stars, etc - and none of these claim to be (a) the best book that has ever been written, or (b) the best book that can ever be written.
But the Qur'an does:
"Were humans and jinn to band together to produce a semblance of this Qur'an, they could not do so, even if they back one another up."
Muhammad was an illiterate merchant turned street preacher turned warlord, who lived in 7th century Arabia, making him the perfect judge as to whether he'd just dictated The Best Book That Can Ever Exist. However, it is uplifting to know that even in 7th century Arabia, a lot of people were calling Muhammad up on his bullshit:
"In this Qur'an, We have elucidated to mankind every sort of parable, but most people will assent to nothing but blasphemy. We have detailed in this Qur'an all manner of things, that they might ponder and remember, but it only increases them in their distaste of it. Those who disbelieve use false arguments in order to refute the truth. They have taken My verses, and the warnings they received, as a laughing matter."
Solomon & Sakhr
Like the Bible, the Qur'an has an expanded universe. The Qur'an's expanded universe is made up of stories from the Jewish and Christian expanded universes clumsily mixed with Arabian folklore. Here's the Islamic version of the story of King Solomon, based on 'The Testament of Solomon' from the Bible's expanded universe/apocrypha. It's a bit LOTR. 'The Testament of Solomon' is ridiculous enough, but the Islamic version takes it to another level. I have abridged:
When Solomon was born, his face shone with dazzling light. All jinn who looked upon him fainted and lay still for 70 days. Iblis (Satan) fled to the bottom of the Great Sea until Solomon's face stopped glowing. When he next came ashore, all the animals on Earth were bowing in the direction of Baby Solomon. By the time he was 4 years old, Solomon knew all the languages spoken by humans and animals. He often spoke to ants, cows and birds.
When Solomon became king of Israel, emissaries from all the animal species approached him. The entire Animal Kingdom was put under his command. Then the Spirits of the Four Winds appeared and pledged loyalty to Solomon, giving him control over the wind.
Gabriel brought Solomon a ring from Heaven, the Seal of Vice-Regency. The ring had an inscription on it:
'There is no god but God; Everything will perish except his face; His is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory; Blessed be God the creator.'
(I suggest an alternative: 'One God to rule them all, One God to create them, One God to test them all, And on the Last Day, judge them.')
The ring gave Solomon the power to enslave jinn. He pressed it against their necks and they became his slaves. Gabriel helped Solomon round up the jinn. Only one, Sakhr, escaped. Even Iblis (Satan) was enslaved. Solomon put them to work building villages and cities, making pots and bowls, hunting for treasure from the bottom of the sea and the depths of the earth. Each of his cooks had a jinn helper.
Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to build a temple, which they set about doing. But they made a lot of noise cutting stones. The people complained. Solomon asked the jinn if they could cut stone more quietly. It transpired that only Sakhr, the Last Free Jinni, knew how to cut stone quietly. Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to capture Sakhr. They did this by spiking the spring he drank from with enough alcohol to make him unconscious.
Sakhr was enslaved, and he taught the jinn to cut stone using diamonds. This reduced noise pollution and pleased the humans. They finished building the Temple.
Gabriel brought Solomon another present from Heaven: a giant carpet. Sometimes, Solomon and his friends would travel around the world riding this carpet, because Solomon could control the wind. They passed over Medina, and Solomon said, "One day, this will be the home of the Bestest Prophet Ever." Then they passed over Mecca and he said, "This will be the birthplace of the aforementioned Bestest Prophet Ever."
When Solomon wanted to have fun times with his harem, he left his magic ring with a handmaid called Amina. One day, Sakhr disguised himself as Solomon and asked for the ring.
She gave it to him.
He sat on the throne.
When the real Solomon was finished having fun with his harem, he came out and asked for his ring. God transformed Solomon into Sakhr, so Amina told him to go away. Solomon fled, and lived on the streets for awhile.
With Sakhr on the throne, the kingdom of Israel went to shit.
Poor Solomon begged some fishermen for food. They gave him a fish. Inside the fish was...
THE SEAL OF VICE-REGENCY.
He washed it, put it on and his former glory and magic powers were restored. Solomon reclaimed his throne. Sakhr was bound in iron and covered in rock (Solomon did the rock bit with his magic ring). He was thrown into a lake, where he remains today, and he will remain there until the end of time (any day now).
Then Solomon died.
When Solomon was born, his face shone with dazzling light. All jinn who looked upon him fainted and lay still for 70 days. Iblis (Satan) fled to the bottom of the Great Sea until Solomon's face stopped glowing. When he next came ashore, all the animals on Earth were bowing in the direction of Baby Solomon. By the time he was 4 years old, Solomon knew all the languages spoken by humans and animals. He often spoke to ants, cows and birds.
When Solomon became king of Israel, emissaries from all the animal species approached him. The entire Animal Kingdom was put under his command. Then the Spirits of the Four Winds appeared and pledged loyalty to Solomon, giving him control over the wind.
Gabriel brought Solomon a ring from Heaven, the Seal of Vice-Regency. The ring had an inscription on it:
'There is no god but God; Everything will perish except his face; His is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory; Blessed be God the creator.'
(I suggest an alternative: 'One God to rule them all, One God to create them, One God to test them all, And on the Last Day, judge them.')
The ring gave Solomon the power to enslave jinn. He pressed it against their necks and they became his slaves. Gabriel helped Solomon round up the jinn. Only one, Sakhr, escaped. Even Iblis (Satan) was enslaved. Solomon put them to work building villages and cities, making pots and bowls, hunting for treasure from the bottom of the sea and the depths of the earth. Each of his cooks had a jinn helper.
Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to build a temple, which they set about doing. But they made a lot of noise cutting stones. The people complained. Solomon asked the jinn if they could cut stone more quietly. It transpired that only Sakhr, the Last Free Jinni, knew how to cut stone quietly. Solomon commanded his jinn slaves to capture Sakhr. They did this by spiking the spring he drank from with enough alcohol to make him unconscious.
Sakhr was enslaved, and he taught the jinn to cut stone using diamonds. This reduced noise pollution and pleased the humans. They finished building the Temple.
Gabriel brought Solomon another present from Heaven: a giant carpet. Sometimes, Solomon and his friends would travel around the world riding this carpet, because Solomon could control the wind. They passed over Medina, and Solomon said, "One day, this will be the home of the Bestest Prophet Ever." Then they passed over Mecca and he said, "This will be the birthplace of the aforementioned Bestest Prophet Ever."
When Solomon wanted to have fun times with his harem, he left his magic ring with a handmaid called Amina. One day, Sakhr disguised himself as Solomon and asked for the ring.
She gave it to him.
He sat on the throne.
When the real Solomon was finished having fun with his harem, he came out and asked for his ring. God transformed Solomon into Sakhr, so Amina told him to go away. Solomon fled, and lived on the streets for awhile.
With Sakhr on the throne, the kingdom of Israel went to shit.
Poor Solomon begged some fishermen for food. They gave him a fish. Inside the fish was...
THE SEAL OF VICE-REGENCY.
He washed it, put it on and his former glory and magic powers were restored. Solomon reclaimed his throne. Sakhr was bound in iron and covered in rock (Solomon did the rock bit with his magic ring). He was thrown into a lake, where he remains today, and he will remain there until the end of time (any day now).
Then Solomon died.
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