David Cameron, Prime Minister
Since he came to power in 2010 the UK has seen the longest sustained decline in wages since records began, while the 1000 richest families have more than doubled their wealth.
Cameron's family has a long history in the financial sector.
George Osborne, First Secretary of State & Chancellor of the Exchequer
During his time as chancellor, the government borrowed more money in 5 years than the previous Labour government did in the 13 preceding years, increasing the national debt from 54% of GDP in 2010 to 82% at present (£1.56 trillion: £1,960,000,000,000), losing the UK's triple A credit rating in the process (the first time it has been downgraded since the 1970s). He has also failed to eliminate the deficit in the timescale he promised: it's only been cut by about a third. When pressed about his economic failures, Osborne chants 'We've got a balanced plan! We've got a balanced plan!', hoping that everyone will forget that he's making it up as he goes along.
Theresa May, Home Secretary
Theresa wants to ban all psychoactive substances by default while also cutting police funding, making it a great time to get involved in organised crime. Her proposed Counter-Extremism legislation will prevent people from posting content on the internet or speaking in public, if the government has 'reasonable belief' that the individual might become a criminal in the future. (The Coalition passed legislation banning non-profit organisations, such as the Trussell food bank charity, from criticising the government's actions.) She is not a fan of human rights: she wants to get rid of both the Human Rights Act and the European Convention of Human Rights. If we left the latter, we would join Belarus (the last dictatorship in Europe) as the only European countries not part of the convention. Even Russia is a member. She seems to be motivated by extreme moral puritanism and authoritarianism more than anything else.
Philip Hammond, Foreign Secretary
Philip thinks the UK's relationship with the EU is fixable. He also thinks that legalising same-sex marriage has damaged the reputation of the Conservative party.
Iain Duncan Smith, Work and Pensions Secretary
Iain has led a reign of terror against the disabled people of Britain, stripping them of the benefits they need to live. His actions have broken UN human rights convention and British laws. To deal with the latter, he rushed through some emergency legislation which retroactively made his unlawful actions legal. He ignored the former.
("I will make it legal," said Iain Duncan Sidious:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nz20lu2AM2k)
Michael Fallon, Defence Secretary
He thinks foreign aid should count as part of the defence budget, because foreign aid helps to stabilise regions and prevent future wars which Britain might have to take part in. This is an attempt at economic sleight of hand: the cabinet wants to cut the defence budget, but NATO requires the government to spend at least 2% of the budget on defence.
Jeremy Hunt, Health Secretary
Jeremy has no experience of working in the health sector. In 2008 he co-authored a book which called for the NHS to be abolished. Last year legislation was introduced which gave him to the power to shut down any hospital he wanted, giving only 40 days notice. Before the Conservatives came into power, public satisfaction with the NHS was at an all-time high. Now it's on the decline.
The Coalition cut £20 billion from the NHS budget. Large chunks of the NHS have been privatised and sold to Tory party donors.
No doubt that as Jeremy continues his work and the government comes under fire, psychopathic Cameron with summon the corpse of his dead son to help him feign love for the NHS.
Jeremy also thinks that homeopathy works.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons
Chris has been promoted from Justice Secretary: he was the first Justice Secretary in British history to have no legal qualifications whatsoever.
Michael Gove, Justice Secretary
Michael was once Education Secretary, but the teachers hated him. Now he is the second Justice Secretary in British history to have no legal qualifications whatsoever.
Nicky Morgan, Education Secretary & Minister for Equality
She voted against legalising same-sex marriage. After the law passed, she decided that she was actually in favour of it.
Baroness Tina Stowell of Beeston, Leader of the House of Lords
Tina comes from Beeston, Nottingham. She is responsible for the House of Lords, our government's unelected second chamber.
It turns out that the cabinet is a lot bigger than I thought when I started this post. I think I've covered the main ones above. The others are:
Sajid Javid: Business, Innovation and Skills Secretary
Amber Rudd: Energy and Climate Change Secretary
John Whittingdale: Culture, Media and Sport Secretary
Liz Truss: Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Secretary
Justine Greening: International Development Secretary
Patrick McLoughlin: Transport Secretary
Greg Clark: Communities and Local Government Secretary
Theresa Villiers: Northern Ireland Secretary
Stephen Crabb: Wales Secretary
David Mundell: Scotland Secretary
Greg Hands: Chief Secretary to the Treasury
Mark Harper: Chief Whip
Anna Soubry: Minister for Small Business
Priti Patel: Minister for Employment
Robert Halfon: Minister Without Portfolio
Matthew Hancock: Paymaster General and Minister for the Cabinet Office
Jeremy Wright: Attorney General
Boris Johnson: Mayor of London
Lord Feldman of Elstree: Conservative Party Chairman
Oliver Letwin: Overall responsibility for the Cabinet
They are our rulers for the next five years (unless there's a cabinet reshuffle). Given how inappropriate, under-qualified and incompetent many of the Cabinet members have shown themselves to be, I sometimes wonder why anyone would vote Conservative. But then I remember that if I hadn't gone out of my way to look into it then I may also have been taken in by the relentless propaganda machine.
We'll never know what the Cabinet would have looked like if the election had ended differently: maybe they would have been just as underqualified and incompetent, but their hearts might have been slightly closer to the right place.
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