The Great Quarrel

Egyptian mythology is a bit... different. I present a condensed version of 'The Great Quarrel' story to illustrate this point.

SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING.

In the old days, Osiris was king of the gods and ruler of earth. Isis was his queen. One day Isis' brother Seth killed Osiris to take the Divine Throne for himself. Osiris, now in the underworld, became the god of the dead. (One day, when his strength is renewed, he will return to the world of living, reclaim his throne and rule the earth.) Isis was pregnant with Osiris' child, Horus. She gave birth to him in secret, and left him to be raised by the people of marshes until he was old enough to claim his birthright: the throne of the gods.

When Horus was older, he appeared before the Ennead, the Divine Council, and asked to be king. The Ennead were divided: some thought Horus should be king, others thought Seth had been doing an alright job.

Seth argued that he was older, stronger and wiser than Horus, whose only argument was birthright. The Ennead couldn't decide. Seth grew angry because Isis was one of the Ennead, and she was obviously biased against him because he'd murdered her husband. He threatened to execute of the Ennead per day until Isis was removed from the council.

The Ennead agreed, so they kicked Isis out of the council, then broke for lunch. During the lunch-break, Isis transformed herself into a beautiful maiden and starting chatting with Seth.

"My husband was a shepherd, but he died and a stranger came and took all the cows which should belong to my son. Will you help me get them back?" said the disguised Isis.
"Of course! That's awful!" said Seth.
"Aha, dickhead! So you agree that Horus should be king!" Isis revealed her true form.
Seth stormed and off and told Ra what'd happened.
"That is well awkward lol," said Ra, "I guess we're gonna have to make Horus king now."
"NO! I know how we can settle this: HIPPO RACE!" declared Seth.

Seth and Horus transformed themselves into hippopotami and raced in the sea. Isis thought she should help her son out, so threw a harpoon into the water, but she hit Horus by accident. Horus screamed in agony. Isis recalled the harpoon and threw it again; this time she hit Seth, who screamed in agony. Realising she might kill her brother, Isis recalled her harpoon. Horus felt betrayed by this; he climbed out of the sea and decapitated his mother. Her body turned into a statue of flint. Horus ran away.

The Ennead decided to hunt Horus down. Seth found him and gouged out his eyes. Then another god found him and used gazelle milk to restore his eyes. Ra decided he'd had enough of this, so asked Horus and Seth to chill out and be friends until tomorrow. Seth invited Horus to his house for dinner.
That night, Seth raped Horus. But just before his climax, Horus managed to get Seth's penis out of him and catch the semen in his hands. Horus rushed to Isis (her head restored, she was no longer a statue of flint), who immediately cut his hands off and gave him a new pair. She asked Horus to ejaculate onto the lettuce which Seth would eat for breakfast; he did so.

The next day, Seth boasted to the divine council that he had raped Horus and so was obviously superior to him and should be made king. The Ennead all laughed at Horus. Horus laughed back at them and said: "Seth is lying; summon our semen and we'll see who raped who!"

They called forth Seth's semen; nothing happened. They called for Horus' semen; it climbed up from Seth's stomach and emerged from his head. The Ennead all laughed at Seth and declared that Horus should be king.

"NO! I know how we can settle this: BOAT CONTEST!" declared Seth.

Seth and Horus went outside and built a boat each to present before the Ennead. Horus' boat was made out of pine; it floated. Seth's boat was made out of stone; it sank. Seth got angry; he turned into a hippopotamus and destroyed Horus' boat.

Meanwhile, Thoth decided to send a letter to Osiris in the underworld to see what he thought about everything that had been going on. Osiris replied saying that Horus should be king, and if the Ennead refused he would unleash the armies of the underworld to slaughter their way through heaven and earth, leaving no gods alive.

The Ennead decided to make Horus king. And they all lived happily ever after...

Morality has come a long way in 4000 years.