Teshub, King of Heaven

Hittite mythology. This is the story all about how Teshub the storm-god became king of Heaven.

SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING (mythology is entertaining)

A long time ago, Alahu was king of Heaven, and Anu was his servant. After Alahu had reigned for nine years, Anu organised a military coup and declared himself king. Alahu fled to Earth. Kumarbi, Alahu's son, remained in Heaven.

After reigning for nine years, Anu became paranoid that Kumarbi would organise a military coup. Anu attacked Kumarbi, but couldn't endure Kumarbi's laser vision. Anu fled; Kumarbi caught him, tore off Anu's genitals and swallowed them.

Kumarbi laughed at the genitally-impaired Anu.

"I see that you are laughing for having swallowed my manhood. Don't be so ready to rejoice for what I have placed inside you will be a great burden to you!"

The ingested genitals released their semen.

"I have planted terrifying gods in your belly and they will cause you such agony that you will be driven to beat your head against the rocks of your own mountain!" Anu departed, hiding himself somewhere in Heaven.

Kumarbi tried to vomit up the semen and genitals, but with no success. He declared himself king.
Seven months later, Anu started telepathically communicating with the gods growing inside Kumarbi. He instructed them on how to break free. One of them burst out of Kumarbi's skull; the brain-damaged Kumarbi then tried to eat his child, thinking it might cure him, and had to be restrained.

Anu's parasitic offspring continued to burst out of Kumarbi; Teshub emerged last and killed Kumarbi.

Anu came out of hiding, and Teshub was declared king of Heaven.

I think we can all learn valuable moral lessons from this story.